The decline in viewership to Monday Night Raw over the past few years has been blamed on many things. Take your pick: the lack of a true number one draw, storylines that are started and dropped seemingly at random, and in-ring action that simply isn’t as good as what one can find elsewhere in the world. With all that in mind, my personal main turn-off factor is the commentary we are all subjected to on every WWE program. What is spewed out ranges from bland to idiotic, all of it in some weird language only aliens in the “WWE Universe” speak.
I absolutely hate it.
What’s crazy is at one time Vince didn’t overlord the announce booth as he does today – seemingly anyone could get a crack at calling the action. So we’d get folks like Howard Finkel (to the shock of no one, he was GREAT), jobber Pete Doherty (to the shock of no one, he was HORRIBLE), and Bruce Prichard doing a Dusty Rhodes impersonation (which was somehow even worse than Doherty).
But the most unfathomable guy to ever in the booth on Raw?
That, friends, is Bastion Booger.
When I first came up with the idea for WrestleCrap.com nearly twenty years ago, I knew he would be the focal point of one of my first articles. Yes, even before I came up with the notion that each character would be an ‘induction’, I knew he was a must for WrestleCrap!
Long story blah blah, Bastion Booger was presented to wrestling fans as the most disgusting man alive. He wore a…whatever you would call that in the picture above, with his fat shoehorned into straps so as to make it appear he had a hump on his back. His entrance “music” consisted of a guy burping “I’m the BOOGER MAN” then what was either farting or snoring, all of which was accompanied by someone hitting a piano keys with a ball-peen hammer. It’s somehow even worse than I am describing. Impress your friends by having it on your playlist by downloading here!
He wasn’t around all that long, but somehow, some way, he wound up doing color commentary on Raw. And not just that, but he did it with Vince McMahon himself!
There’s only one word for that: BAFFLING.
Or maybe WrestleCrap.
Gotta stop selling myself short.
As per usual, Vince hypes up the night’s action, noting we will get an “outstanding matchup” featuring the evil taxman Irwin R. Schyster taking on Marty Janetty. We’ll also get Crush (Booger: “he’ll crush his opponents like I am crushing these nachos!”), “The Rocket” Owen Hart (Booger: “I feel like I may need to BLAST OFF too McMahon!”), and no joke, Thurman Plugg, which leads to the following exchange:
Vince: “Thurman Plugg…his friends call him Sparky!”
Booger: “I may have some EXTRA GAS for Sparky!”
Yep. This is gonna be a loooooong night.
Kicking things off we get perennial enhancement talent Reno Riggins and Barry Horowitz in tag team action versus The Smokin’ Gunns. It’s pretty amazing that Billy Gunn is still working in 2019, twenty-five years after this match took place. You know what’s even more incredible?
This is Billy in 1994.
This is Billy in 2019.
At 55 years old.
You’re right, AJ.
I should just move along.
The Gunns are able to pick up the victory, but not before we get Vince and Booger talking about how Bastion thinks Roseanne Barr is a honey. You see, this was during a very weird period in WWE where Vince thought he could turn Raw into an earlier version of The Tonight Show, and thus would talk about whatever may have been happening in pop culture or the world at large at the time.
If I made that sound at all appealing, I’m terrible at my job.
Oh, and if that wasn’t enough, we also learn that Booger thinks barbecuing is “fun”. He also very much enjoys eating.
In case you didn’t get it, Booger is FAT.
I know this stuff is subtle, so I will try to help explain as we go.
But it’s not all crap on the show, though, as we get a recap of the origin of the Bret vs. Owen Hart feud. We also get Owen in action, and just like Bret, he takes off his sunglasses and goes to ringside to give them to a young child.
Unlike Bret, he tears them apart and snarls at the kid. Even the kid’s dad can’t help but laugh at that.
That’s so great I am not even going to slap the WrestleCrap logo on it. Owen was so awesome.
Owen takes on John Paul (George Ringo), and we get more hahalarity with Vince asking about rumors of Booger and Ted Turner working out together. All of this culminates in Booger complaining that Vince hasn’t lived up to the contract he signed which required 4-5 pizzas delivered in a wheelbarrow.
My fortune to see Jerry McDevitt negotiating that one.
Immediately following this, we get none other than THIS MAN, LORD ALFRED IF YOU PLEASE giving us some PROMOTIONAL CONSIDERATION. I legit had no idea he was still doing this in 1994, but screw him for doing that, as not only do we get him, we also are subjected to…
…Tatanka (BUFFALO!) lifting weights in the absolute lewdest manner imaginable, all in the hopes of getting fans to run to GNC to buy ICOPRO. When he was doing that lat bar machine, I legit thought he was going to wink at me. Creepy beyond belief.
I mean, THIS was a welcome sight to me after that.
And come to think of it…
…Paul Bearer ranting and raving in a freaking graveyard is superior too. In this instance, Paul is telling everyone that if they just believe in the Undertaker, he will show up. Imagine Linus giving a passionate speech regarding the Great Pumpkin while hepped up on helium and you have a pretty good idea of what is happening here.
Back to ringside with IRS vs. Marty Janetty. Somehow, this leads to Booger explaining he is thinking about hiding some extra food in Paul Bearer’s casket. I’d go back and try to try and figure out what on earth he’s taking about, but then I’d miss telling you about how Bastion Booger is name dropping Marla Maples on commentary.
Let me repeat that.
…was talking about Marla Maples…
…who was married to DONALD TRUMP.
That right there is the biggest “if I woke up with my head sewn to the carpet” moment in WrestleCrap history.
And consider the ground that covers!!!
In the ring, Irwin and Marty wrestle for what seems like hours as Vince bellows about it being a “see saw match up, back and forth.” I know that’s kinda a running gag, but I listened to a ton of Vince McMahon commentary over the years and he pretty much shoehorned that into every match I can recall.
Anyway, Marty loses as Bastion bellyaches about how Vince needs to get him some hot dogs.
See, he’s FAT. He eats all the time. Did I mention that yet?
But if you watch this episode REALLY closely, you will note that Booger never actually puts any food in his mouth. He just acts like he is eating without biting or chewing or anything. It’s completely bizarre. I mean, I understand the logic of it (would mess up the audio – trust me, I know) but it’s just so weird to watch this supposed pig just pretending to eat without ever doing so.
Oh, and sad news for those of you wanting to watch more of this next week…
…as Raw will be pre-empted by the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show.
The next time I have to delay putting up an induction, I am so using that graphic. I bet I’ll never get hate mail again.
As Thurman Plugg (“his friends call him Sparky!” Vince reminds us at least three times) battles Duane Gill, Booger begins to get sick, with vomit seemingly inevitable. Despite McMahon telling us that a fatality is possible, he declines to give his broadcast partner mouth to mouth.
I’m pretty sure this is not how you would heal a choking victim.
In our main event of the evening, we get Crush killing some jobber as Booger continues to talk about needing more food. Just when I started thinking, “Did anyone at USA Network see this and ask what on earth Vince was smoking?”, Vince goes off into a complete rambling diatribe about Tonya Harding, the Fox Network, and Diane Sawyer. Again, hear the evidence to my claim.
This train wreck concludes in the most fitting manner possible – with Booger eating dog food as they discuss Jack Tunney on a pay toilet.
This…THIS!!!!!!…is what we loyal WWF fans were subjected to, over and over and over throughout all the mid 1990s. Rampant stupidity followed by even more rampant stupidity, with no end in sight.
And yet, despite all of that, somehow less than a decade later, Vince McMahon was worth ONE BILLION DOLLARS.
I guess never give up hope, kids.
Never give up hope.