Yes, kids, the Ultimate Warrior vs. Orlando Jordan is a match that actually happened. I didn’t believe it either. But we keep a running spreadsheet of all possible inductions here at WrestleCrap.com and right there it was:
I wouldn’t blame you if you glanced at that and were like, “Wait – what the heck is a Power Uti? And you’re telling me that JYD wrestled a Mummy?” Good questions all, but to this old codger the fact that there was once a match pitting The Ultimate Warrior vs. ORLANDO JORDAN makes Junkyard battling King Tut seem downright normal by comparison. (Oh, and before you ask – the yellow coding means Art has claimed it, cyan means it’s all mine. As if I’d let him get that one!)
I mean, really…THIS GUY. This is who the Warrior was coming out of a near decade retirement to face?
But sure enough, that’s who comes down the aisle for the match. And you may have never heard of this NWE promotion in Spain where this is taking place, but let me tell you they ain’t afraid to blow mucho peseta on confetti!
I should also note that Orlando ain’t out here alone, he’s joined by a very, very fine güera. No idea who she is but she’s definitely a looker!
But that’s not what we’re all here for, no that would be the return of the ULLLLLLLLLLLTTTIMMMMMAAATTTTE WWWWWARRRRRIIIIAAHHHH! I’d point out that it looks like he’s having a tough time “running” to the ring, but what that much crap all over the floor I’d advise him to gently job as well.
We get a close up of him in the ring, and it appears that his makeup has ice cream sprinkles all over it. It’s a unique look, I’ll give him that.
As this was his return to the ring, his family is out there. And those kids are just about as cute as can be. Here’s hoping pops doesn’t turn out to be a total loser tonight!
The match starts and Jordan attacks from behind. That doesn’t last long however, as Warrior takes over with some kicks. And you know what? They pretty much look like the same as they did in his prime. I suppose that’s a plus of being a bad worker, when you get old your stuff doesn’t look all that much worse.
Now if you’re like me, you were likely thinking this was going to be a 30 second squash but no no – this is a see saw match up, back and forth. Which means that Orlando Jordan has officially lasted longer in a match with the Ultimate Warrior than Andre the Giant ever did!
Jordan gets tossed outside and Warrior very deliberately (read ‘plodingly’) stalks him around the ring as the crowd watches on in silence. We get some windmill punches from Warrior as Jordan flops around for him like a fish out of water.
Back into the ring we go, and Warrior continues his obliteration, stopping only to SHAKE THEM ROPES.
I should note we are like 180 seconds into this and Warrior is totally blown up. That’s ok, though, as I am sure this is going to end at any momen…wait a minute. Does that counter on here really say there are fifteen minutes left in this match. So you’re telling me that someone decided that Ultimate Warrior’s comeback match should be EIGHTEEN MINUTES BELL TO BELL??!!! Who on earth thought that was a good idea?
Although I should note that we are now down to thirteen minutes following this lock up which lasts forever. It’s not nonstop action on display tonight but still.
As soon as we get out of that, these two show their technical mastery exchanging reverse hammerlocks. You wouldn’t think that would be very compelling. And you’d be right.
And it gave us THIS visual as well, which I sure did not need.
Eventually we go back outside the ring and I think, but could easily be convinced otherwise, that Orlando’s lady friend is attempting to seduce the Warrior. I guess he wasn’t sure what she was doing either, as he also has a look of utter confusion on his face. Even more so than usual!
Somehow we wind up back in the ring, and Orlando smacks Warrior around a bit before…uhhh…was he kissing him there? I mean, my eyes aren’t deceiving me there are tehy?
Warrior does his best to stagger back to his feet following that onslaught, hitting an admittedly nice powerslam for the win. Well, that was horrible, but it wasn’t as horrib…wait, that was just for a two count?
Ok then, Warrior goes up for, and I’m not sure I can convince my fingers to type these words but with the Good Lord Above as my witness and I am NOT making this up, a TOP ROPE SUPERPLEX! That’s insane but mad props to the guy, if you’re going to come back after a decade, that’s the way to win a match!
But NO! That also is not the finish to the match, as less than 30 seconds after that, Jordan is back in control with an ankle lock. Yes, kids, the Warrior, at nearly FIFTY YEARS OLD, hit that and it was a TRANSITION HOLD.
That ankle lock ain’t enough to keep the Warrior down though, and he bounces off the ropes (and nearly collapses into him as this poor guy is clearly spent) with his normal trio of clotheslines. Is that enough to put away Orlando Jordan?
Of course not. So the Warrior goes to the TOP ROPE and flies off with a splash that gets him the duke. (Just kidding! That also gets a two count.)
Not to worry, however, as Warrior hits a body slam, then bounces off the ropes for his signature splash. This move, I should remind you, was the finisher which won Warrior countless matches and championships. So of course Orlando gets his knees up.
So after a good eighteen minutes of (non) action, Warrior does in fact finally get the three count with a shoulder block. God bless Warrior, you absolutely cannot possibly blame his effort here. I guess he thought he had something to prove. But wow was this not the way to do it!