The Redneck Triathlon

redneck triathalon

It was a match for the ages.

I think we can honestly say, without hyperbole, an encounter that fans had been waiting for years to see. One of the top guys in WWE versus one of WCW’s best, two men who had for years not been in the same promotion, let alone the same ring. It was sure to be a five star classic, one that every wrestling fan was dying to see.

Shawn Michaels versus Ric Flair.

What, thought we were talking about Steve Austin versus Eric Bischoff?! To paraphrase Austin himself, “Aw, hell no.”

Amazingly, though, both encounters were to take place at Bad Blood 2003. While Flair and Michaels were slated to tear it up in a straight up wrestling match, Austin and Bischoff were up for something completely different: a “Redneck Triathlon.” Sure, it sounded stupid and all, but hey – this was Steve Austin and Eric Bischoff, one man who was the biggest star of wrestling’s boom period of the late 90’s, and the other who was just a fantastic heel performer. Factor in the legit heat between the two men (Bischoff fired Austin from WCW back in the day), and it looked to be something that, while lame on paper, could be fun.

But it wasn’t. Lame on paper=lame on pay-per-view, too.

What were the events in the triathlon, you ask? Well, there were tons of them! Tons of them, I say!

To that end, Bischoff had a giant wheel the two would spin to choose the contests that would make up the triathlon. And looking at this wheel, this sure in the hell looked like it could be a lot of fun. After all, there were spots for Demolition Derbies and Line Dancing. I’m sure lots of folks would pay top dollar to see these long-time rivals in a Boot Scoot Boogie showdown.

Well, maybe not, but you can bet your last dime that I would shell out $39.95 had the wheel landed on “Lawn Gnome Stealing.”

That just sounds like good fun.

Or a Vince Russo booked match (probably involving poles), not sure which.

Instead, though, we got a burping contest. Whoopy do.

I wasn’t the only one less than thrilled by the idea; listen to the poor MC for this fiasco, Terri Runnels.

I think she may have lapsed into a coma.

So the pair take turns burping into a microphone.

Actually, that’s not true. They take turns opening their mouths near a microphone while wacky burping sound effects played.

So more precisely, it was a Burp Syncing Contest.

Both guys go three times, to badly dubbed burp sound effects that they probably found within two pages of a “burp.wav” Google search.

To be fair, Austin’s winning gastric emission sounds more like a lion pitched down about 35%. Eric should have protested.

Next up, a pie eating contest. Bischoff was excited at the prospect , thinking they were going to have some RHUBARB. Austin was bemused at Eric’s stupidity, and wised him up. Upon learning the WWE definition of the word, Bischoff was even more ecstatic, and hand picked four lovely ladies.

(Ok, actually that’s not true. They looked like strippers from Billy Bob’s Skanktown USA.)

Naturally, Austin had other ideas. Because when there’s a sexual act that requires “comedy”, we all know where that leads…


Bischoff was a sport, however, and macked with WWE’s resident nymphomaniacal geriatric, then challenged Austin to be a man and do the same.

Austin, though, rightly stated this wasn’t a kissing contest, it was a pie eating contest. One moldy 80-year old vagina to the face later, Bischoff was declared the winner, as Austin forfeited.

This lead to the final contest, a singing contest. Eric attempted to win via lip syncing his theme song, but was thwarted, and so he had to actually croon for our enjoyment. Or lack thereof.

Austin then decided since they both sucked, they’d spin again, stopping the wheel on, and I quote, “PIG PEN FUN.”

Bischoff was thus deposited into the slop, ending as seemingly all Eric Bischoff in WWE events did: with Eric Bischoff humiliated.

You’d almost think that someone high up in the company still had a grudge against the guy.

Oh, and by the way…if I made any of this sound the least bit interesting, I have done my fellow Crappers a disservice. This stuff all sucked, and was boring beyond belief. Making Steve Freakin’ Austin and Eric Freakin’ Bischoff dull, that takes talent.

But hey, we still got Michaels vs. Flair.

Except, of course, for the fact that over thirty minutes (yes, one HALF-HOUR!) was dedicated to the idiotic Redneck Triathlon, and thus their epic encounter for the ages was cut short due to time constraints.

That sucks.

Still, had that done some Lawn Gnome Stealing…

– Terri Runnels (sounding as though she might be asleep): Wow. A burping contest. Amazing. Ok.

– Eric Bischoff: “Beer chugging, roadkill bake-off, pie eating contest. Pie eating it is! How bout that! Strawberry pie, blueberry pie, chocolate pie!”

Steve Austin: “Nah, you stupid – how stupid are you? You ever listen to the Rock when he’s talking about eating pie? It’s not cherry pie, it’s not strawberry pie, it’s not pumpkin pie. It’s poontang pie!”

– Eric Bischoff (singing horribly offkey): “I’m back/better than ever/got a knack/for making things better/face facts/your opinion don’t matter!”

Austin: “Eric! SHUT UP!”

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