I cannot possibly say enough good things about Mrs. Deal. She is absolutely the perfect wife – and my best friend. Whenever I am having a bad day, she is there to cheer me up, pick me up, do whatever it takes to get me back on track. The fact she has been with me for nearly a quarter century is something that to this day is impossible for me to fathom. I love her dearly.
That said, if I see one more freaking QVC box show up on our door step I may lose my mind.
Ah yes, QVC. I am guessing most folks in the USA know what it is, but we have a heapin’ helpin’ of Crappers from outside this silly country so let me explain. QVC (which apparently stands for Quality Value Convenience) is a shopping channel. According to the ever accurate Wikipedia (which has declared me dead multiple times), it’s been on the air since 1986, which means when it first reached the airwaves, Hulk Hogan was smack dab in the middle of his FIRST WWF title reign, ECW didn’t exist yet, and MJF wouldn’t even be born for another 10 years. Do you feel old yet?
Anyhoo, they are basically a nonstop infomercial selling crap, most of which you question why anyone would possibly buy. So it makes perfect sense that they’d do tie ins from time to time with pro wrestling companies. And that’s what we’ll be talking about today, as none of than “Macho Man” Randy Savage would appear to help hock merchandise as only he can.
And let me tell you, he arrives at the building in the most late 90’s WCW manner possible – brought with a motorcycles escort whilst driving a HUMMER through the grass, up a hill, and into the warehouse as fast as possible, smashing into a giant stack of boxes. Only two words for an entrance like that…
And let me tell you, QVC decided to go all out for this one as they have a makeshift ring and an honest to goodness AUDIENCE to cheer on the festivities. But before we bring out our guest of honor, we get to meet our host for the evening, Rick Domeier! Ironically enough, when I was telling Mrs. Deal what I was writing about this week, she asked who was hosting it. I said “this dork” and she immediately replied “he’s still on there.” I looked at her completely dumfounded, blinked twice. She then explained that a lot of the early hosts still appear on the channel.
Just as I was about to mock her for knowing so much about QVC and buying so much silly crap, I glanced over in the corner and saw the Katie Vick outfit poking out of its cardboard box. I immediately shut up and just smiled meekly.
Rick introduces us to Randy Savage along with his beautiful girlfriend, Gorgeous George. That’s cool I thought, she’s always been easy on the eyes. So Randy comes out (to his awesome WHAT UP MACH theme song!) but lo and behold George is absolutely nowhere to be seen…this despite the fact we literally saw her getting out of the Hummer just a couple minutes earlier! Even weirder is that she’s not even mentioned – she just ain’t there at all and Rick doesn’t even bother to ask where she is until ten minutes in. Randy then helpfully explains that he had to “adjust her attitude” and she won’t be coming out. That statement is kinda horrifying honestly.
But hey, who cares about that, we’s gots crap to shill! First up is a shirt for the Bash at the Beach PPV. The front of the shirt would feature the show’s logo. Perhaps you think it would have the main eventers. Maybe a listing of the card (like my all time favorite Survivor Series shirt where a bunch of guys listed weren’t even there). Instead, the braintrust at WCW decided it should feature, and with the Good Lord Above as my witness and I am not making this up, FISH.
Sorry, I meant buck-toothed fish. Really, right there it is, in case you didn’t believe me for whatever reason.
You know, I don’t agree with Eric Bischoff very often, but when he says that Turner’s merchandise department had no idea what they were doing, I see that and it’s hard to argue with the guy. Macho jokes that he’ll bid one million dollars for the shirt, but the host says it’s only $19.75 (plus $4.22 shipping and handling). A bargain at half the price, especially considering they now apparently go for $300 (!!!!) on eBay.
Seriously – who has that kind of money to spend on something that dumb? And can you send some of it my way? If someone can get triple bills for that monstrosity I gotta be able to get a decent amount of moolah for that Ultimate Warrior Workout #1 VHS just collecting dust in my closet, right?
We go to the phones and get a call from Paulette from Georgia, a southern belle who is buying a t-shirt for her son. She tells us that the Macho Man is her son’s top wrestler, which is a coincidence as that’s also Randy’s favorite too! In a hilarious moment Rick asks her if she gets all the PPVs, and she says no. I love this show.
And so here come the hard sells. For starters, Rick tells us that 200 people have already dialed in for this 2000 WCW calendar…
…and then urges us to dial in immediately for a Scott Hall stand up, presumably before he vanishes again. In a potentially shady move, we are not told whose autographed photo you get with each of these. I mean, you’d think that a Goldberg stand up would come with a Goldberg photo, but we’ve already seen a Bash at the Beach shirt with fish on it so I don’t know I’d take that bet.
For the same price as a regular t-shirt you can get a crappy tank top (“You could use Sting and Goldberg’s for washing your car!” Randy suggests)….
…and for just $10 more, you can get this Goldberg 3 piece fan pack, featuring a beach towel that has a graphic of Goldberg if he were the love child George Steele and Kano from Mortal Kombat. Who on earth drew that monstrosity?
“Fine pewter, hand cast mugs” are next. Interestingly enough, one of the mugs features just the new WCW logo. You remember that one, right, the absolutely awful one that Tony Schiavone refers to as, and I am just quoting here, “an exploding vagina”? Our ol’ pal Rick asks Savage what he thinks of that logo and you can almost hear a beep beep beep of a truck backing up as
QUESTIONS FROM THE AUDIENCE! Here CARL (no doubt an intern working in the mail room who was told he had to be in the audience) asks who Randy’s role model is. He explains that it would be without question his mom and dad, then gives an impassioned plea for parents to do everything they can for their children. That’s nice.
But then we get DAVE (guessing he puts the tape on the boxes as they go out the door) who gets a little smarmy and asks who the fourth woman in Randy’s entourage is going to be.
Ah yes, Randy Savage’s midlife crisis harem! Truly living his most insane, dare I say MACHO, life at that point. So Randy hems and haws a bit before finally telling Rick he has a better chance of finding out who drove the Hummer. Ok, that made me laugh.
A 24K GOLD CAR is next for just $69.00. Wait, my bad, you get TWO cars for that. Rick is quick to explain that these cars aren’t solid gold, but rather copper or something underneath. I’d go back and try to better understand but that would require me listening to him babble about it twice and I ain’t gots time for that.
Especially not when we have TIM (from accounting) with a live mic, who tells us he and his friend have had a bet for years that Macho used to play minor league baseball. “You gotta pay your friend that million dollars!” Randy beams as he explains that he was a catcher and first baseman for the Cardinals and Reds, and made it all the way to double A ball before getting injured and switching to wrestling instead. Always thought that was very cool. His baseball background that is, not that he got hurt.
What I do not think is cool in any way shape or form are these limited edition prints, which feature the likes of dreamy-eyed Kevin Nash covered in glitter…
…and Disco Inferno in vivid technicolor. I am fond of seeing something stupid and saying, “No one bought this” but then I hop over to eBay and discover there are 40 listings for whatever it is I’m mocking. Such was not the case here – there ain’t nothing matching this thing. So I can only assume if any of these were ever purchased, they are sitting in Glenn Gilbertti’s garage. Maybe one on Vince Russo’s basement wall as well.
Next we see Rick pondering some fine art…namely a glossy photo of Macho and Gorgeous George (“nice name by the way…it fits.”). We learn this is brand new to QVC and exclusive to QVC, as well as how Randy and George met. It’s equal parts sweet and creepy. You’ve been warned.
Speaking of sweet and creepy, here’s JIM (inventory management), who has a two part question – what was Randy’s toughest match was and who was his toughest opponent. Macho ponders a bit, then says it’s always hard wrestling Nash but his most challenging foe was Andre. I’ve seen some bad Kevin Nash matches in my day, but late 80’s and on Andre was equal parts horrible and heart breaking. Good call there.
A never ending cavalcade of crap comes next, with offers of a WCW interactive microphone (“this is fun and great for the kids – you can get actual comments straight from the stars!!!”)…
…half size championship belts (???)…
…some crappy looking hats…
…some somehow even crappier looking cars…
…and amazingly, even crappier than crap looking flags. Like seriously, did they steal that from little Jimmy’s middle school art class?
And whatever you don’t, do change that channel – at least not without this Goldberg universal remote!
But if you’re like me, when you think of WCW, you naturally think of falling asleep. And what better way to celebrate both than with WCW BED-IN-A-BAG? Why I can almost picture the woman’s boyfriend calling and her saying, “B****, I am in line, I am back in BEDDING!” (To the twelve of you that got that joke – you’re welcome and I love you.)
Continuing in that vein, if you’re like me and sleep with a body pillow, you can have Crow Sting in your crotch from dusk ’til dawn. I mean, I’d never ever do that personally, but if you wanted to back in 1999 and had $29.75 burning a hole in your pocket, you could.
Today? That will be ONE THOUSAND DOLLARS and you’re getting DDP. I’ve heard of inflation, but that’s ridiculous.
Of course, the only way you truly know it’s the 90’s would be with the inclusion of some BEANIE BABIES…
…and sure enough we get them, WCW style. But hey, Randy doesn’t care about these silly things, and instead asks if they have any Gorgeous George blow up dolls instead.
Really, I’m not making this up.
Also, anyone remember when Dave used to try to sell teddy bears years back? That wasn’t just some fever dream I had, right?
It sure wasn’t – someone even made a music video of it!
A rapid fire sequence of all this junk is shown as we wrap things up. Couldn’t they have just done that at the start and saved me two hours?
And with that the new besties shake hands and the Macho Man takes his leave.
Probably stopping by the warehouse to check to see if those Gorgeous George blow up dolls had come in yet.