The Polish Sausage Festival

Polish Sausage Festival

You ever have one of those days?

I’m preparing to write this week’s induction, doing the screen grabs and such, and Blade and I start discussing it, and he starts asking questions about stuff that I don’t remember seeing. This leads me to believe that either a) he’s hit the bottle again or b) I am missing an entire DVD of the collection I am about to ridicule. While the latter is probably the far less likely of the above scenarios, it also turns out to be reality. I realize that, horror of horrors, there’s way more to what I was about to mock than I had originally thought, and worse yet, I’ve only seen the second part of it, so I can’t really do that and then a follow up the next week.

Scramble time.

There are unsung heroes of this here website. Two of the biggest are Harry Simon and Bill Brown, who send me seemingly unending supplies of DVDs and VHS’s with oodles of crap. In fact, they’ve mailed me so many over the years that I simply have not had time to go through them all. They just all sit in this giant closet as WrestleCrap HQ, awaiting re-discovery. So I opened up the vault this week, reached in, and started going through the mass collection of nonsense starving for my attention.

Hmm, there’s six T-120’s of Muhammad Hussan. For sure that needs covered, but I ain’t got 12 hours, let alone 36. Rosey, Super Hero in Training. Egads, that was awful. Why haven’t I done that one yet? Let’s see here, Polish Sausage Harvest…

Wait a minute.


Talk about your WTF moments. What on earth could that be, I wonder. Actually, I lie – I did not wonder that. I wondered, instead, “That there might be something Blade has to review when the Lions lose our bet again next season.” Shaken by the thought of a “sausage harvest”, I popped the disc in to see just what the hell that it could even be. And…wow.

Just wow. It was from the TNT Show, a program the WWF aired in the mid 1980’s which featured wrestlers (and they even called them “wrestlers” back then, believe it or not) in long interviews and nutty skits. If ever there was a gold mine of WrestleCrap, that show was it. We could probably do an induction a week from that show and not run out until 2017 or so.

So yep, sure enough, there was “Polish Power” Ivan Putski, sitting with Lord Alfred Hayes. It’s kinda creepy, as his Lordship is seemingly looking at the muscle-bound Pole in the way, way too tight jeans a tad too longingly for my comfort. I really hope this isn’t the start of something that should have been included on our WrestlePorn update a couple weeks ago.

Thankfully, I think, it’s not. Instead, Putski is being interviewed by Vince McMahon. But not just any old Vince McMahon. No, it was THIS Vince McMahon:

Instead of us giving you a sound byte here, just make up your own dialogue. Go on, try it! It’s fun! I like to pretend he’s saying, “Salmon, It’s What’s for Dinner” or better yet, “Salmon – It’s the Other Pink Meat!”

Before we continue, I want to make a note for our younger ‘Crappers out there, those who didn’t live through the 1980’s. That look, that color ensemble Vince is wearing: that was never cool. Never ever ever ever ever. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

So anyway, Putski is cutting this boring interview (no wonder they gave these guys wacky skits; I might fall asleep otherwise), and then drops a bomb on us: it’s time once again for the POLISH SAUSAGE HARVEST.

Sho ’nuff, after break we get some old hag hanging out by a tree. A tree surrounded by baskets containing, you guessed it, polish sausages. “They grow on trees!” Putski explains to us.

There you go, kids – your Polish Fun Fact for the Day.

A closer examination reveals that he is, in fact, honest in this assessment:

Well, maybe. They kinda look more like turds to me. But then I guess “The Polish Hanging Poop Harvest” wouldn’t be quite as festive an occasion.

So Pink Suit Vince puts a mic in the old biddy’s face and she explains this is actually a Kielbasa tree, the only one in existence. I’d question how that wouldn’t make for much of a “harvest”, but the old bat is on a roll and I don’t want to spoil her fun. She explains how to tell when they are ripe, not only by color, but by sound and smell.

Lord Alfred, though, is none too impressed, making the classic Fart Smell Look™. “Nature never made anything smell this bad,” Alfred quips as Putski and Vince urge him to slurp the sausage. Before he can, however, the wacky bitch starts yammering about insects and mustard and weebles(!!) and then, for no good reason, just starts doing a POLKA DANCE, complete with Lord Alfred singing.

I don’t think that was sausage Alfred was smelling earlier – after seeing and hearing this, I’m pretty sure there had to have been a Polish Bong nearby. Following her rant about how the Polish Goverment has placed a statewide ban on any future Keilbasa tree plantings (????), I think you’d be hard pressed to disagree.

The segment ends with the traditional Polish Sausage Harvest ritual: with a Maroon tuxedo’ed Englishman imploring the old Polish woman to deep throat his kielbasa.

Apparently, this bit has been making the rounds on WWE 24/7 of late. And if sausages and hags and Vince in that suit ain’t a ringing endorsement for that service, I don’t know what is!

– Vince McMahon: “Now that was a patented Polish hammer. That really was. Have you ever had anyone get up after you deck ’em with that?”

Ivan Putski (sounding for all the world like the somehow less charismatic clone of Greg Gagne): “Never, no one’s ever gotten up. Not yet, Vinny. I hope they don’t.”

– Crazy Polish Woman: “When they’re ripe, they’re the color of green. If you knock, the sound is (sounds like an outhouse door or something). But when you see the color, and the color is green, the sound is (sounds like a doggie chew toy).”

– Crazy Polish Woman speaks crazy gibberish while Lord Alfred sings. Don’t ask. Better yet, don’t listen. Your sanity depends on it.

– Crazy Polish Woman: “Why are there not more kielbasa trees? Well, you ask the Polish government about that! It’s a very sad subject. But they will not allow more kielbasies. They put a ban on planting of kielbasa trees.”

Vince McMahon (sounding like he’d rather be anywhere else on the planet): “Well, uh, that’s unfortunate I guess.”

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