I’ve been on a Bret Hart kick of late.
That often happens when I start to find the current wrestling product a bit stale; I go back and find footage of the guy I consider to be the best technician I’ve ever seen. And with the release (well, in Canada at least), of his new book, Hitman: My Real Life in the Cartoon World of Wrestling, it’s been amplified.
Oh how I love going back and watching those old matches. Bret vs. Austin. Bret vs. Shawn. Bret vs. Steamboat. When I go back and take those in again, I realize why I remained such a huge fan of the business even as crap was being shoved down my throat. Because when it’s done right, there’s nothing more entertaining than pro wrestling. And rest assured, Bret did it right.
But hey, when you are such a major wrestling star that you have a 23-story office building just to hone your craft, you probably SHOULD be the best there was, the best there is, and the best there ever will be.
What’s that? You didn’t know that Bret, along with his tag team partner Jim “The Anvil” Neidhart and manager Jimmy Hart owned a skyscraper? Well, they did. In fact, the office of the Hart Foundation was the focal point of a “Special Investigative Report” in the first ever WWF video release of Bret’s exploits.
In charge of this in-depth look? None other than your pal and mine, “Mean Gene” Okerlund. As Gene made his way down the posh red hallway, he couldn’t help but remark that the walls were covered with “every major award of professional wrestling.” This despite the obvious fact that they actually had Broadway posters.
So either Gene is full of crap, or “Torch Song Trilogy” is, in fact, a major wrestling award.
Just as Gene Gene the BS machine is reaching his zenith, a young lady runs across the hall screaming.
Instead of perhaps following the young lass and seeing if she needs help, Gene instead just shrugs his shoulders and states, “This place is a little nuts.“
Finally Gene winds up at the receptionist’s desk.
Wait, scratch that. He actually winds up at “The Bimbo’s” desk. And that’s not just me being mean – take Geno’s word for it.
Still, I guess Gene knows a bimbo when he sees one, as sure enough, she asks for Gene to spell his name.
Not Okerlund, mind you – she wants him to spell “MEAN GENE“. Maybe she thought it was Meen Jeane or something. In fact, that’s how I think I’ll spell it the rest of today.
While it would appear he doesn’t have an appointment, the bimbo is nice enough to hand Jeane off to another Hart skank.
“I’m Cherry,” she states, to which the lecherous Meen Jeane snorts, and again I quote, “Yes you are.“
The pair head off on a walking tour in which he learns that the Foundation employs 200 secretaries. Jeane never bothers to ask what, precisely, 200 secretaries would do for the WWF tag team champions.
We do, however, learn that there is a shot on the wall of Jim “The Anvil” Neidhart’s father with WC Fields. Sadly, we never actually get to see the photo, but since I don’t want you to feel ripped off (especially since you are paying top dollar to read this), I’ve mocked one up.
Just call me Johnny Photoshop.
Down the hall we go, as another woman goes screaming across the hall way. Meen Jeane asks what the hell is going on, and Cherry no sells him.
Instead, she takes him to Ilsa, but not before she calls him “Mr. Green Jeans”, thus earning Cherry mad props with me for a Captain Kangaroo reference.
Ilsa, we learn, is in charge of “credentials”. Sadly, Jeane’s home made business card doesn’t pass mustard, and Ilsa escorts him back to the bimbo up front.
Undeterred, Okerlund snoops around, hearing the sounds of Jimmy Hart from behind a door. He barges in to find…
…the Harts and Danny Davis “playing with little dolls!!”
The Mouth has a conniption fit, explaining that Jeane has no right to come into their inner sanctuary. “You’re not even wearing pink!” Jimmy exclaims.
Yeah, Okerlund – what the hell is wrong with you?
Jeane finally calms the Foundation down enough that they can have a sit down interview. Jimmy explains that the Foundation isn’t playing with dolls, but are rather having a strategy session utilizing “action toys.”
Okerlund, though, is distracted by the minks around their necks.
As well he should be. That right there is a look that needs to be brought back immediately. Imagine the heat someone would get wearing THAT down to ringside.
Yet another woman goes screaming by, and Okerlund’s concern is no sold yet again. Realizing he’s getting nowhere, Jeane wraps up the interview, noting the fact that there are no workout facilities on “any of the 23 floors.”
The Mouth is quick to explain: the girls are not only secretaries, but they are “professionals”. Therefore, I guess we are to surmise that the boys stay in shape by…well…doin’ the nasty.
While Jeane is appalled by this, Bret explains that even Stu agrees with this type of therapy.
So there’s a suggestion for all you out there clinging to that New Year’s resolution – just sex yourself back into shape.
After all, Stu lived to be 88; and he did have 12 kids.
If it worked for Stu, it can work for you!