The Million Dollar Chance

Million Dollar Chance

“What would you do with a million dollars?”

That’s the question a lot of us fantasize about on a daily basis. What if I won the lottery? What would I do with that money? Would I buy a new house? Would I send my kids through school? Would I get my wife a boob job (and myself a penis enlargement)?

It really is the kind of thing most of us long for. (Especially me – I could use that penis enlargement.)

Anyhoo, such was the question the WWF asked their fans in the summer of 1997, for come SummerSlam, one lucky fan was going to have their shot at hitting it big time.

What a generous idea! What a wonderful way for the WWF to reward their most loyal fans! What a heartfelt way to for the WWF to say THANK YOU to all of us (and trust me, they needed to after some of the crap they made us sit through in the mid 90’s – King Mabel, anyone?)!

Yep, this Million Dollar Chance sure showed us exactly how the WWF felt about us fans…

I loved the commercials leading up to the big contest. This one was my favorite, as it showcased a stereotypical WWF fan: namely, a BIG FAT JANITOR.

And what did our Groundskeeper Chili spend all his winnings on?

Care to guess?

If you said “BIG FREAKIN’ PILES OF DING DONGS AND TWINKIES”, ding ding ding…we have a winnah!

Now before you get all pissed off about how a “typical WWF fan” was portrayed in these commercials, please keep one simple fact in mind:


In other words, this is what they thought of us!

You’re probably saying, “Oh come on now, RD…cut Vinny Mac a break. After all, he’s going to give one of us marks a million smackers!”

Ok, ok…after all, our first “winner”, young Ryan Chadick certainly looked more like what I would consider a regular ol’ wrestling fan to look like.

Unfortunately, I can’t say the same about the next dude announced, a feller by the name of Patrick Stevenson. He appeared on the front page of his local newspaper and looked like a serial killer or something

Finally, the big day came. SummerSlam had arrived, and now we’d find out who, exactly, was walking home Jed Clampett style, and who would be going back home to their unibomber shack. (In case you can’t tell, my money’s on the kid.)

But wait…what’s this? Two more lucky folks are going to have a chance at the mazuma?

Well, hell, Todd Pettingill, why don’t you ring them up?

One ringy dingy…two ringy dingy…damn! No one home!

Let’s try this again. What’s this? DISCONNECTED! Looks like they should have gave that deadbeat the chance a little sooner!

Ugh…this crap went on for like 10 minutes. I should note that all this compelling television was made watchable due to the fact that Tammy “Sunny” Sytch was on screen this entire time, and never looked hotter. I’d take her over Sable (who was there and looked like the Seahag in comparison), Torrie Wilson, Stacy Keibler, hell, even my beloved Trish Stratus. I’d take her over the million bucks! Good Lord almighty was she gorgeous.

Anyway, we finally hit paydirt as we find a WWF fan at home, with, believe it or not, a working phone. So Toad is making chit chat with the dude, and then makes a fatal mistake: he asks if this big WWF fan is watching the show on PPV.

God I love live television.

Enough teasing! Let’s see who won the million bucks!!

And the winner is…


That’s right, no one won a DAMN thing.

Not the guy who didn’t order the show, not the kid with the Jerry Maguire fetish, not the serial killer with the giant ears.

See, the catch was this was a CHANCE to win a million bucks. It was a one-in-ONE HUNDRED chance, I should add.

So all the contestants went and picked their number, and they all came away empty handed.

I can almost hear the Price is Right loser theme right now.

Call it bait and switch if you’d like. Call it a scam if you must. But let’s be fair: the WWF had someone on hand who opened the chest to prove that it would in fact unlock. He took the key behind number 3 and voila…the chest popped open and we saw the riches inside: one million one dollar bills (apparently the company believed that the winners would be hitting the nudie bar after the show).

Boy, it would have been nice to win all that mon…hey, wait a minute. There’s something weird about that money…

Since when did the US start printing one-sided currency?

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