Super Mario Bros. in Tag Team Trouble!

Super Mario Bros

Generally when you think of pro wrestling connections to Super Mario Bros., you think of one thing:

Captain Lou Albano swinging his arms from side to side because it’s time to go and on do the Mario! Now you may ask why I don’t have an MP3 of that, perhaps thinking I am scared of a copyright strikedown. No no no. I am doing it because I listened to that horrendous song while capturing that GIF above and I legit wanted to shove my fist through the screen. Because I am a nice guy and don’t want any of my fellow crappers to do the same, I’ll abstain from posting it here. Besides that’s not what we’re here to talk about today, no no no. Instead, we are going to discuss something that much more closely ties Nintendo’s favorite plumbers to pro wrestling, namely a little cartoon called…

Now the classically minded gamers out there may take a quick glance and notice the background being the map screen from the NES game Super Mario Bros. 3. And in fact, this wasn’t just a Mario cartoon, but rather part of a series entitled…

…”The Adventures of Super Mario Bros. 3“! Seriously – what kind of sense does THAT title make? I get wanting to push as many cartridges off K-Mart and Sears shelves as possible with cross promotion, but that is one horrific title. Just scrap “The Adventures” and go with that. As is, this sounds like some kind of bad Engrish that was so common in NES games of yore.

We kick things off with Toad on his way to deliver a million gold coins to the Mushroom orphanage. You’ll be shocked that the bad guys immediately decide to steal them. Maybe, just maybe, Princess Peach shouldn’t have had him carrying them around in a giant sack with DOLLAR SIGNS all over it. That just seems like you’re asking for trouble.

Regardless, Toad makes it safely to his destination with the money intact. Unfortunately, he is completely exhausted from his trek and collapses. The hag at the orphanage is like, “no problem – we’ll just take the money!” She then drags it inside and leaves Toad asleep on the porch. Serious question – is THIS the kind of woman you want in charge of kids with no parents?

Eventually Toad regains consciousness, and finding the money missing, he jumps to the conclusion that it’s been stolen. To be fair, that’s a pretty safe assumption seeing as a giant flower was spitting fireballs at him moments earlier. In an attempt to make good to the orphanage, he decides that he has to earn those million gold coins somehow, someway, which leads to him finding this here flyer for the Mushroom Wrestling Federation’s Tag Team Wrestling Tournament, which just so happens to have a grand prize of exactly one million gold coins! What are the odds?!

So Toad gets some lackeys to do his dirty work for him, namely the Mushroom Marauder and Jake “The Crusher” Thunder. It isn’t too long before King Koopa and his kid shows up with their own team, namely the Sledge Bros! All I can say is I really hope Toad’s team wins because I HATED those guys. I can’t tell you how many lives I lost when those guys would show up. Avenge me, Maruader and Jake!

Wanting to ensure that the Toads lose (and by proxy impress his dad), the kid invades the castle and tapes their eyes open so he can hypnotize them. His command? To not wake up for two days. Yes, he woke them up so he could make them sleep. That’s the most snake eating its tail hypnotism I’ve ever heard of, but hey, it works, so you gotta give the some kid credit I reckon.

Just when it appears all hope is lost, who should show up but Mario, Luigi, and Princess Peach! Now if you’re like me, you immediately say, “Wait a gosh darned minute…I thought Peach was a blonde? What gives?”

Turns out she’s dyed her hair for years and years years. I’m not really a stickler for any specific hair color for a woman, but I have to say she looks far better as a blonde. (Stops to research.). Wait, no, that’s it’s not Princess Peach at all, it’s Princess TOADSTOOL. (Stops to research again.) Wait, apparently they are the SAME, as she was originally Toadstool but that was only in Japan until some Yoshi game and…

Shew, let’s just get back to this fascinating cartoon instead. So it turns out that Mario and Luigi used to wrestle back in Brooklyn, so they volunteer to take Marauder and Crusher’s place.

After they get back in shape of course! Yes, we get a training montage set to the worst workout music ever. Holy crap is that bad. Like if you want to rage walk, delete Hearts on Fire from your phone and jam that through your Beats instead. You’ll be ready to tear everyone from the Sledge Bros to Ivan Drago a new one in no time!

So the Mario Bros. show up for the tournament wearing masks and being redubbed the Masked Mashers of Mayhem. Gotta have a gimmick I guess. Regardless, no one is curious who they are or even surprised – heck, Koopa is actually HAPPY it’s Mario and Luigi, as that way he can not only win a million gold coins, but also witness his arch nemeses getting clobbered in the process.

Not only that, but his kid has booby trapped the ring to cause even more mischief and mayhem. How on earth can our heroes win against such overwhelming odds?

If you guessed via a Super Star that gives them invincibility, step up and claim your prize!

So the boys come in and make short work of the Sledge Bros, who decide they ain’t getting paid enough to be part of this SQUASH of the Week and tag in Koopa and his kid…

…who also get pummeled from pillar to post, all while iconic SMB music and sound effects blare through your TV screen!

So Toad takes the winnings to the orphanage, and the old lady thanks him because now she has not only one million gold coins, but TWO million gold coins. No, she doesn’t offer to give them back, or ask why she has extra…she just slams the door in Toad’s face! Screw Bowser – this woman is the real villain of Super Mario World!

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