You know what I miss? Holiday-themed wrestling shows.
Sure, come Halloween your guaranteed to have Torrie Wilson bouncing around for a few minutes in the nearest witch outfit she can find, but it in terms of holiday spirit, nowadays, it seems empty. You might say, that October 31st is now “Holloween.” It wasn’t always like that, however. Back in 1985, we were subjected to a treat – or was it a trick – a 90 minute special Halloween Saturday Night’s Main Event.
Hey look, it’s our host for the evening – the Great Bumpkin, Mean Gene. Turns out, we’re just in time for…a wrestling show? Hell no, we’re about to be witness to what can only be described as the WWF Halloween Olympics. All our favorite WWF superstars are here – in full costume.
Mother of God…there’s King Kong Bundy dressed up as Abraham Lincoln, as well as the Iron Sheik and Nikolai Volkoff. You know, I was planning on inserting a funny line about them dressed up as Batman and Robin, but man, a picture is worth more than any thousand of my words.
And guess what, they aren’t here to stand around and look like complete ‘nads. No sir. They’re gonna compete in three genuine Halloween sporting competitions. Their opponents:
These clowns. I don’t know what is worse – Captain Lou in a toga, or Hulk Hogan looking so flame-like, he could have ignited the Olympic torch for these crappy games without a match.
Up first, in this best two out of three competition, is the ahem..traditional Halloween pie-eating contest. Looks like Albano is gonna face off against Abraham Bundy.
Where is a time-traveling, assault-weapon carrying John Wilkes Booth when you need him?
In a disgusting waste of three valuable life minutes, Lou wins the pie-eating contest for the good guys.
Memo to Vince: If I wanna watch a fat slob eat a pie, I’ll go rent a Ron Jeremy porno.
Holy s#it!!! Hold the porn. I just spotted Elizabeth bobbling out of her Jane costume. There is a God above!!!!!
It’s time for the next contest, bobbing for pumpkins, featuring Bobby “the Brain” Crockett squaring off against Cousin Junior. To add excitement to an already “thrilling” contest, the pumpkins were submerged in chocolate. Either that or they put them in the tub that Andre took a dump in.
Even though the end result had him looking like he required the immediate assistance of Mr.Whipple, Heenan claimed the victory for his team and evened the score at one win a piece.
Hey there’s Super-Rod, along with Jesse Ventura apparently kissing NBC’s ass by dressing up as a peacock. Ironic that Roddy is dressed up as Superman, because his appearances post-WrestleMania have a rather Krytonite-effect on wrestling fans. In case you don’t believe me, behold: Halloween at Roddy Piper’s house.
An ominous shot of the Scotsman’s house is shown, as our dastardly villain is inside, planning something evil.
The end of Hulkamania, perhaps?
The death of Mr.T?
Oh no…the #1 heel in the WWF has more important matters at hand:
STEALING THE NEIGHBORHOOD KIDS’ CANDY.
Soon, the trick or treaters arrive.
Why look, it’s Mini-Black Scorpion, along with a kid wearing the world’s worst Hulk Hogan costume.
He’s supposed to be bald, you dumbass brat.
Apparently, these kids arrived at Piper’s house via the short bus, as they are easily fooled by Piper’s scheme, as the Rowdy One uses his “candy” to break the youngsters trick-or-treat bags, spilling their candy all over the floor.
Piper wastes no time in stuffing the kids candy down his underpants. Kind of gives new disturbing meaning to the term, “chocolate with nuts.”
You’d think the kids would be broken hearted, but it’s not to be. Seems they’re not mentally handicapped after all. They were the ones who did the “tricking.” The candy Piper stole from them were actually chocolate covered peppers. After eating the hot peppers, Piper proceeds to drink water out of his flower vases.
I demand that the writers of this show be immediately hired and put on the WWE creative team.
Oh wait, it appears they’re already there.
Up next, the final event – the pumpkin pass. Both teams have 60 seconds to pass the pumpkin down the line, without dropping it, to as many people as possible. The only catch, you can’t use your hands.
Great… for the next 120 seconds we get to see the WWF stars look like they’re making out as they pass the pumpkin via their necks.
Up first – the Junkyard Dog, looking rather Yeti-like, and Zorro Santana.
The faces are doing good until the pumpkin gets passed to Captain Lou, who goes into a diabetic shock due to all the sugar from the pie-eating contest earlier, dropping the pumpkin in the process.
The heels have a great chance to take the event as they quickly pass the pumpkin down the line. To avoid losing, they have to have a successful pass from Liz to Piper.
Perhaps it was excitement from practically copping a feel on Liz – or fear that Randy Savage was watching him do it – but somehow, Piper botched the pass, and in turn lost the contest.
Piper and Savage blame Liz and scold her like a two-year old, while the faces celebrate winning the first, and last, WWF Halloween Olympics.
All in all, the show reminded me of a receiving razor-blade candy apple for Halloween. Merely looking at said apple – or in our case, staring at a half-naked Elizabeth – was a treat. The first few moments viewing the show – or eating the apple – appeared to be sweet.
Consuming the whole show or the apple – definitely hazardous!!