Santa’s Slay

Santa's Slay

Hey, remember Bill Goldberg? Sure you do. The guy tore through WCW during its boom period, and were it not for the noodle heads running the company at the time, would likely have led them to even greater heights. He had that weird mix of charisma and intensity that made up for his lack of technical prowess inside the ring.

You might wonder, then, what a phenom like himself is up to these days. Following a horrible (and some would say ‘sabotaged’) stint in WWE, apart from a couple of appearances in Japan, big Bill has more or less left the wrestling world behind. These days, he’s following his buddy Rock’s path, and attempting to make a name for himself in Hollywood.

But if his choice of film for his first starring role is anything to go by, he might be back in the ring sooner than later.

I knew I was in trouble even before I saw this film. My TiVo had caught it, but I, myself, hadn’t had the chance to view it yet. So I asked Blade if he had seen it and his response was, “I was watching it and I was like, ‘Wow, Chris Kattan is in it!'”

Imagine having such a reaction.

But sure enough, true to Blade’s word, there he is less than 15 seconds from the film’s opening. And he’s joined by no less than FRAN DRESCHER, whom he promptly feels up under the table.

You know, kids, when you’re watching a movie (a Christmas movie, no less) and within the first 2 minutes Mr. Peepers is getting stinky pinky from The Nanny, you’re in for a loooooooooong night.

Anyhoo, the family’s squabbles are interrupted by a clatter out on the lawn (well, actually, the roof) and down the chimney comes the world’s first 280 pound Jewish Santa Claus – GOLDBERG!

He proceeds to kill everyone involved in a most violent manner, starting with the family dog which he kicks into the ceiling fan. Next up, he lights The Nanny’s head on fire, then extinguishes it by sticking her face in eggnog. While this does, in fact, stop the burning, it also stops her breathing. Ah well, that’s what she gets for being unfaithful to Mr. Sheffield.

Next up, Santa Bill hops in his sleigh, which is powered by some weird giant buffalo thingy, and rams an elderly woman off the road. Hey, given some of the folks driving around the mall these days, I wouldn’t mind trading in the Saturn for that setup.

Finally we are introduced to the “heroes” of our story, Nicholas and Mary, who work at a deli. Nicholas lives with his wacky grandfather, an inventor who lives in fear of Christmas. Think of him as Doc Brown meets Scrooge meets Kris Kristoferson.

Soon Pops reveals why he despises Christmas – in STOP MOTION FORM, no less. You know, I never really appreciated just how intricate and technically savvy Rudolph’s Shiny New Year was before I saw this.

Back to the story. See, Santa was actually Satan’s son, a demon who lost a curling game to an angel.

His pennance? He has to be good and deliver presents to the children of the world for a thousand years.

But unfortunately for protestants all ’round the globe, that thousand years are up, and it’s doomsday for us all!

And hey, I’d believe him – the next stop for our Christmas demon is a strip club: Ho Ho Hoes indeed!

More death follows, as Santa electrocutes someone using a brass strippers pole, then lights the place on fire.

Hey, now…killing Fran Drescher is one thing, but killing hoes?

You’re right – not a lot of difference there, my bad.

And so it goes on and on, with Santa offing the guy who runs the deli, a bunch of cops, some carolers, and finally, Pops himself.

This leads to one of the movie’s most obvious glitches, as the vile Billy quips, “Grandpa got run over by a reindeer.”

Of course, Santa Goldberg doesn’t have a reindeer, so the actual line should be this.

So the kids take off on snowmobiles and decide to hide out at school. You know, if it’s Christmas break, the last place I would head to is a school, whether a killing spree Santa is chasing me or not.

Our thrilling climax sees our heroes trapped in a skating rink as Santa tries to ram them with a Zambonie machine.

Say what you want about this flick, but it’s inventive, I’ll give it that.

Just as the kids are about to be polished off (Good LORD that was a horrible joke – the bad one liners in this film must be rubbing off on me), who should appear but the angel who Santa lost the bet to early in the film.

And this time, he appears in human form and is, of course, Grandpa, who challenges him to one more curling match, this time, for Santa to be good for eternity and not just some paltry millenium.

Santa promptly hurls Angel Pops down the hole into hell and gets out of dodge. The kids save Gramps, but he can’t leave the skating rink for some reason. Sheesh – that’s not much of an angel.

God: “You are an angel, and you are to be an example for all My People…well, all of them inside this HOCKEY RINK.”

As for Santa, despite the best efforts of the kids and the local NRA group who attempted to blast him out of the sky, Santa wound up heading back to the north pole, thus threatening with the prospect of Santa’s Slay 2.

And as frightening as that might sound, I think I could handle it as long as Santa’s nemesis in the sequel is the man who played just a bit part in this one:

Yes – in the role of Gas Station Attendant Tiny is no less than your friend and mine, THE HUMAN WRECKING MACHINE ZEUS.

Zeus versus Golderg?

I am so there.

Merry Christmas, Kiddies!

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