WrestleMania X has long been heralded as one of the greatest Manias of all time. It started with the incredible Bret vs. Owen Hart match, featured Shawn Michaels and Razor Ramon in a classic ladder match, and ended with a big celebration as “The Hitman” lifted the WWF title belt in victory. By golly, it was such a monumental event no less than THE PRESIDENT showed up for it! Plus we got clowns and midget clowns! Let’s dive in, shall we?
But before we get to clowns, let’s visit with Sy Sperling! No doubt anyone under the age of, I dunno, 90, has no idea who on earth that is so let me explain. So prior to the heyday of guys like Vin Diesel and honestly “Stone Cold” Steve Austin, there was little more damning to a man’s appearance than to be bald. Like way way WAY worse than it is now. So you had these ‘entrepreneurs’ who would come up with all kinds of zany stuff that would either stop or reverse the process. For instance, a man named Ron Popeil’s bright idea was to simply brand a can of spray paint and have dudes cover their noggin with a tar like sludge. Only four words for that:
THE BABES ARE BACK!!!!
Sy Sperling was kinda the same thing. Not only the president of The Hair Club for Men, but also a client! That was the never-ending spiel we got. In the terms of Mania celebs, this was down near the bottom. Have we ever done a Worst WrestleMania Celebrities induction? If not, I need to add that to the list.
Anyway, Fink comes out and, well, even he looks baffled. Also, legitimate question – if this was such a miracle cure, why didn’t Fink continue to come out with that ‘do? Isn’t this more a condemnation than a recommendation of the service? Anyway, I’ve stalled enough. Let’s get to the match we’re here to trash, namely Doink and Dink the Clowns versus Luna Vachon and Bam Bam Bigelow.
Luna comes out doing her best, but tell me if you’ve ever seen anyone looking more like they’d rather be some place else than the Bammer here. Pretty sure I walked into the hospital for my last colonoscopy with more enthusiasm.
The clowns, though, are thrilled to be here! And look at all those hands reaching out to touch Dink. That’s utterly disgusting and I have no earthly idea why you’d do that. Or honestly, why I’ve spent far too much of my life writing about him. I just turned 55 (!!!) last week, and I have started to ponder these things. Also, how much longer I want to continue to write about wrestling clowns, be those performers, insane fans, or both. Retirement can’t come soon enough. I’m sure y’all know where I’m coming from here.
Bigelow attacks the elder, well, larger of the clowns and just waylays him with a shoulder block and even busting out a nice dropkick. It is WrestleMania after all!
Had it been a three minute Bigelow SQUASH, I’d have been fine with that, but no no – Doink takes over with some work on the mat. This was way past the point it was Matt Borne under the greasepaint, so don’t get too excited.
Bam Bam takes back over but misses an elbow drop, which allows Doink to tag in Dink, who comes in and does a dance right in Bigelow’s
face crotch. Remember those early Dynamites where the heels would see how many rows back they could toss Marko Stunt? Why couldn’t that have started here with Dink?
Bigelow is forced to tag in Luna, who lunges repeatedly for Dink but misses. The little guy then spanks her right on the fanny. What kind of sanitizer do you need for that type of contact?
Luna quickly takes over and chokes him on the ropes, which does my heart good. She even jumps in the air and bounces right on top of his green mop top. Ok, I would honestly rather have a three minute Luna-Dink SQUASH than the Bigelow one.
She tries it one more time though, and Dink scrambles out of the way and follows it up with an Ultimate Warrior style elbow drop.
Learn from the best I always say!
Dink then decides to go HIGH RISK, going to the top rope. Luna side steps as he lands on his head in a moment that made me legit LOL. Somewhere I’d like to think a young Samoa Joe was watching and taking notes.
Luna slams her foe then heads to the top rope herself. A giant splash goes exactly as well as you’d expect, with her appearing to land HARD on her knees. Really hoping she didn’t do any damage there. This match ain’t worth that.
Doink makes his way in, truly a CLOWN OF FIRE. Bigelow takes like two of those shots and is like “what on earth am I doing selling here?” and clotheslines the clown clean over the top rope.
This leads to Dink making his way in as both Bigelow and Luna do everything possible to be clowns themselves. I mean, I’m not laughing or anything, but to be fair I don’t think I’ve actually laughed at a clown in my life.
Well, except when Dink landed on his head a few minutes ago.
Doink returns with a sunset flip attempt which gives us the classic “wave your hands in windmill fashion and hope for the best” defense, leading to an “I’m gonna drop my big ol’ butt in an attempt to cave in this guy’s chest” counter.
A Bald Bull style charge is avoided (sadly not with a well-timed punch to the belly), and a nice enough looking DDT follows.
Doink goes for his finisher, the dreaded WHOOPIE CUSHION, but Bigelow just casually roll to the side. Not even sure he had to do that as Doink was nowhere near where would have needed to be to actually be for that. Stupid clown.
Bam Bam bounces off the rope and Doink attempts a suplex that Bigelow easily counters. Also funny to see Dink go flying as Bam Bam hit the ropes. I’d say that was by design, but this little guy seems at times to have no idea what he’s doing so don’t bank on that.
A flying headbutt lands (yes, a move off the top that actually hits!) to bring this to a merciful end. My resolution this year was to try to be more appreciative in everything in life, so I will note that this match was relatively short and I am indeed thankful for that.
Of course it doesn’t actually END there, as Dink comes back and wants to scuffle with Bam Bam. Luna ain’t having none of that and kicks him right upside his wee little head. She then pie faces him, which I also appreciate.
Luna slams him and the heels try a double splash. Bigelow misses but Luna hits, and she looks REALLY ticked off there. Going out on a limb and saying that Dink botched that one. What was I saying about him being a bit out to lunch above?While this was a bit more back and forth than it probably should have been, it was a clean finish to the point that I thought maybe this was where the wrote off the clowns. No no. In fact, Vince not only doubled down, but QUADRUPLED down and we got that horrific Survivor Series match with Dink, Wink, Pink, Stink, and whoever the heck else.
I know I covered that one as I still have nightmares about some of those clowns. EGADS. But hey, before we leave Madison Square Garden, let’s see who shows up next.
Why it’s…it’s…well, we don’t name him but Vince sure can’t believe who it is on commentary! Alright, going through this suffering tonight was all worth it as not only do we get IRS watching over things in the background, but we got this amazing photo op:
Yes kids, that is the “president” of the United States and the “president” of the WWF! To quote Vince, “MY GOODNESS” indeed!