Santa Claus

Santa Claus

Before you read on, this movie has nothing to do with wrestling. I just thought you guys might get a kick out of what is arguably the second worst Christmas movie ever made, right behind Santa with Muscles. Ok, maybe not RIGHT behind SWM, but this Mexican epic from 1959 will have you laughing, crying, and wondering exactly what was in the refried beans during the production of Santa Claus.

Perhaps there was some translation problem. Or maybe I, as an American citizen (and not being criminally insane), was just woefully uninformed. Suffice to say, I learned a lot about the Jolly Old Fat Man from this movie. Among the most interesting items:

Forget everything you knew about the jolly ol’ fat man before: this movie gives you the REAL scoop.

For you see, Santa doesn’t live at the north pole. No, he actually resides in a castle in outer space. Yep.

Not only that, but Santa’s next door…well, next cloud neighbor is of course Merlin the Magician!

We also learn that Santa’s reindeer aren’t reindeer at all; instead, they are mechanical beasts that he winds up with a big silver key. They turn to dust if they are hit by sunlight, so apparently they are special VAMPIRE REINDEER. Huh, I never knew that.

They also laugh in a very strange, very evil manner.

And Santa has a wide range of surveillance equipment to spy on children and thus decide who is naughty and who is nice. Among the equipment is a big ear attached to a oscillating fan casing and an eyeball in a piece of plastic tubing.

St. Nick also has more gadgets and gizmos than Q. For example, he has a “flower for disappearing” that allows him to become invisible, as well as a parasol that helps him to float around the earth very, VERY slowly.

Additionally, he has “magic sleeping dust” that puts children to sleep.

We also learns that Santa is indeed a God-like figure, along the lines of Jesus himself. In fact, it almost seems as though Santa is like a half-brother of the son of God, or at the very least, a third cousin twice removed. In fact, Santa does the Big Guy’s bidding as he constantly fights the devil’s assistant, Mr. Pitch.

For you see, children are tempted by Mr. Pitch to do all kinds of nasty things. However, the devil’s pal is really inept and can thus only get three bratty (and equally stupid) kids to do his bidding.

Fortunately, some children have a better idea of what to do.

I’d tell you more, but I’d hate to give away the super secret ending where Santa gets chased up a tree by a sadistic dog. Suffice to say, if you have a chance to catch this abomination this holiday season, be sure to check it out!

Ho Ho No!

– Evil mechanical Reindeer laughs in evil, mechanical way.

– Nice little Mexican girl Lupita: “Mommy, what is Christmas good for?”

Sad Mexican Mother: “Well, to remind us many years ago that Christ (I think, though she kinda slurs it and it sounds more like “Craig”, who might be some kind of Mexican super diety…by this time, I was so confused by the movie and the heirarchy of Mexican religion (wherein Santa was seemingly at the top of the list), I wouldn’t be surprised if it was “Craig”…anyway, where was I?) was born many years ago and he was even poorer than we are. He was born in a bed of straw.”

Lupita: “I already asked Santa Claus for two pretty dollies. If he brings two, I’ll give one to little Jesus.”

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