Sometimes, what on the surface appear to be the silliest things in life are the ones with the longest-lasting impact. Consider our subject for today: a match between Jeff Jarrett and Chyna in which the two will go to war using such weaponry as toilet seats and salad tongs. It’s a completely throw away match, something that was always destined to someday be inducted here at the Crap.
Again, that’s what it appears to be on the surface. But the backstory is far more interesting than the match itself, and the result is far greater than Jarrett losing what is these days a pretty much useless belt. Honestly, if you love TNA, you have this match to thank for it.
The deal was that we were in the middle of the famed Monday Night Wars, and talent from both WCW and the WWF would do whatever they could to maximize the money they were making. Jeff Jarrett was in the WWF at the time, and was, in fact, the Intercontinental champion. Jarrett was reportedly unhappy with his contract (he’d reportedly been asked to take a $100,000 pay cut), and was looking to leave the company and rejoin his buddy Vince Russo, who had just taken over the creative reigns in WCW. With his contract due up, there was just one small issue: he still had the Intercontinental title.
Oh, and his defense of that belt, the match we’re about to discuss, in which he would lose it? It was taking place AFTER the contract was over.
(I’ve always wanted to sneak that word into an induction. One to mark off the ‘to do’ list.)
What to do, what to do. On the one hand, Jarrett knew he had leverage over Vince McMahon, and he was going to use it. There was no way Vince would want his IC title holder showing up on Nitro with the belt in hand; he’d already seen Madusa (Don’t Call Me Alundra Blayze) Micelli take her WWF Women’s title and throw it in the trash on the competition’s TV show. Of course, WCW was promptly sued for that little incident, and they lost. So the odds of them doing it again were basically nil. Still, there was a wrestling war going on, so logic took a back seat to fear. And it was WCW, who never learned from any mistakes, so who’s to say they wouldn’t have ignored history and done it anyway?
So we’re back where we started: Jarrett needs to lose the belt and has Vince over the proverbial barrel. He agreed to lose the belt on the PPV in a Good Housekeeping match to Chyna…for $150,000. You can just imagine how well Vince took that one.
Want to know why Vince ‘fired’ Jarrett on the final Raw of the Monday Night Wars and thus why you’ll never see Jarrett on WWE television again? It would be due to this match.
Want to know why TNA was founded? Well, that would be because Jarrett couldn’t go back to what was at the time the only major wrestling company in the US. Again, that would be due to this match.
This horrible, horrible match.
So the bout starts, and we get some wrestling.
And that’s good cause….I LIKE wrestling.
But we’re smack dab in the middle of the ATTITUDE Era, so instead of being treated once in awhile to a special gimmick match (therefore giving it more value), EVERY match has to be full of gimmicks and confusing stipulations.
See, everyone always glorifies that era, and while it was a lot of fun, there was also rampant stupidity. Seriously, just go back and grab any old WWF PPV from the time, and try to watch the first couple of hours of it. This match is the type of stuff you’ll be “treated” to, and believe me, it’s no fun.
Unless, of course, your idea of ‘fun’ is garbage can shot after garbage can shot.
If that’s the case, grab some kleenex or napkins or whatever ’cause it will be WRESTLEGASMS A PLENTY.
This particular garbage can-laden bout is a “good housekeeping” match, which means broomsticks and frying pans are included.
And also…now get ready for this…
A TOILET SEAT!!!
Because as Samuel L. Jackson said in Frank Miller’s film version of The Spirit, “toilets are always funny!”
Are they REALLY, Sam?
Oh, and MORE garbage cans!
You know, there’s an electric fan and a blender sitting RIGHT THERE.
AND some wax fruit too!
You’ve got WAX FRUIT and you don’t USE it?
What is wrong with you people?
Jarrett and his second, Miss Kitty, wind up over at a table that just happens to be sitting at ringside making cake and coffee, the ingredients for which just happen to be on the table that just happens to be sitting ringside, which makes me think that Jeff and Chyna should’ve just had a chocolate chip cookie bake-off contest for the IC title.
She’d have lost, naturally, because you will recall that Jarrett had a storyline relationship with Debra. Remember that storyline about Debra baking cookies and how Steve Austin hated them?
Oh wait, right. That means Jarrett would have lost because the cookies would have been terrible.
(Note from RD: You have to be the only person on planet earth that remembered that whole Debra makes cookies angle. The rest of us suppressed it. Curse you, foul woman.)
By the way, did I mention this match had garbage cans?
Well how about…
Salami? Oh man, I’m not going there. No siree.
Kitty also gives Jeff a pair of salad tongs. What, is he gonna toss Chyna’s salad?
I sincerely apologize to you all for that image.
And of course Chyna gets to use them on Jeff because she REALLY hates men’s crotches.
I’d say its penis envy, but I’ve seen that One Night in Chyna video.
Hey look, Chyna’s hit him with everything…INCLUDING THE KITCHEN SINK!
Somebody cue up Krankor!
Oh, and Jarrett gets his shoulder up from being hit in the head with a metal sink. Remember that for later on.
Or not, I really don’t care at this point.
Chyna also tries to Pedigree Jeff onto a cake but he reverses it so Chyna gets a butt-ful of cake…because I guess her butt is hungry.
I can only imagine her and Christy Hemme in a bidding war for mybuttishungry.com.
And apparently that URL IS taken.
Mercifully, we get to the end as Teddy Long takes a bump, Miss Kitty hands Jeff the IC belt, and he kills Chyna with and get the pinfall.
Whew! Thank goodness that’s over.
BUT WAIT! We’ve got a Dusty Finish in this GOOD HOUSEKEEPING MATCH!
Despite counting the pin, Teddy Long determines that a championship belt is NOT a household item, therefore orders the match to continue.
Was this the middle of the WWF Ref Strike or something?
Usually in order for your Dusty Finish to make sense, ANOTHER referee has to come out to nullify the decision of the first ref or vice versa.
As for a championship belt not being a household item…I dunno, I’d say that a championship belt IS in fact a household item. The Real Deal has one, Blade has one too. Heck, even The Ultimate Spoony has one too!
I’d say Hulk Hogan has them hanging in his house cause I saw that on an episode of Hogan Knows Best but now…well, Linda owns the house…and the belts…and his tights…and boots, probably even that Hulkamania Gladiator helmet.
Guys, don’t ever get married.
Anyways, Jarrett is distracted enough by Teddy to get Honky Tonk Manned by Chyna for the pinfall. With one fell guitar swoop, Chyna is now the First and Only Female to hold the Intercontinental belt.
Yet Harvey Wippleman was not the First and Only Male to hold a WWE Women’s title. Don’t remember Santino Marella as Miss Wrestlemania?
I wish I didn’t either.
And with that, Jarrett took his leave of the WWF for-evah. He’d hook up with Russo in WCW, and the company would vanish within the span of the next two years. The two would reunite in TNA, and are still both hanging out there to this day.
So if you ever wanted to know why we get King of the Mountain reverse ladder matches with penalty boxes featuring Jeff Jarrett…well, it would be due to this match.
This horrible, horrible match.