Sable was without a doubt the WWF’s top “diva” during the Attitude Era.
But back in early 1999, times were hard on a male wrestling fan with a difficult-for.
Excuse me, I mixed up my words. I meant that times were difficult for a male wrestling fan with a… uh, never mind.
My point is, back when there were only two hours of live TV a week for Sable to occupy, when Mrs. Mero had yet to pose for Playboy, and when internet connections were of the slow, dial-up variety, there was a dearth of options for the frustrated male.
So WWF released Sable Unleashed, an hour-long video tape that was to placate Sable fans until better spank material came out, like her edition of Playboy magazine.
(Clarification: While we at Wrestlecrap do not endorse the physical disciplining of one’s children, using a rolled-up magazine for spanking is still preferable to using a harsher material like a switch, a belt, or even a video cassette)
An hour of Sable doesn’t sound so bad, huh? Well, for the three or four people who bought the tape simply to learn something about Sable, her career retrospective is kept strictly kayfabe.
And for anybody else planning to watch with the sound on, Sable does the narration herself in her signature lifeless monotone, saying nothing of value.
Within minutes, Sable is at the pool, explaining why she loves the water in a scene that sounds like George Lucas’s private softcore director’s cut of Attack of The Clones. But this is not a porno…
…it’s a legitimate documentary film. Sable swam in high school, which explains this footage of her now swimming in a thong and wet t-shirt.
The same goes for the next segment, where Sable reminisces about her modeling career.
Don’t let the funk guitar or nudity fool you; this is not a porno.
Sable is grateful for her “good genes”, even though genetics had nothing to do with the two BIGGEST factors that led to her getting brought into the WWF.
Those two factors, of course, were 1) being married to Johnny B Badd and 2) making a good impression on Vince McMahon.
Sable reminds us that she loves the water, even on the beach and in the sand (which is coarse and rough and irritating, and it gets everywhere).
Interspersed between all of these informative vignettes are highlights from Sable’s WWF career, often with commentary by the Federation announcers, who sound as if their English teacher thought they used “big-breasted” too much on their essays and demanded they replace it with synonyms.
Hear how much more vivid these descriptions sound:
McMahon: “She is absolutely gorgeous. Absolutely voluptuous.”
Ross: “She does cast a rather bodacious shadow, I’ll say that.”
McMahon: “She is absolutely gorgeous. Absolutely big-breasted.”
Ross: “She does cast a rather big-breasted shadow, I’ll say that.”
Viewers are treated to this footage of Sable in the sack, which is the only part of this video that is more innocent than it sounds on paper…
…although, as you’ll recall, that segment ended with Sable stripping down. In an inspired move, the editors of this tape edited together fifteen different replays of it to a dramatic orchestral score.
Sable doesn’t take abuse from anyone, whether it’s Marc Mero pushing her out of the spotlight, Jacqueline calling her a skank and a ho, Vince McMahon calling her a bitch…
…or Pat Patterson (in a segment that I’m sure Vince got a kick out of scripting) getting too friendly and living up to his nickname, Butt-Patter-son.
We see Sable’s workout routine…
…and of course, more career highlights…
…all of which seem to involve Sable taking off her clothes in one way or another.
Besides the water and taking off her clothes, Sable also loves horses because “it’s a very relaxing activity for me to do.” Horses isn’t an activity, Sable, but we’ll let it slide.
Also relaxing for Sable is driving cars.
Boy, that Sable really loves to relax. After all the relaxing activities she’s done in this video, it’s no wonder she recorded her voiceovers with all the energy of a Donald Trump primary opponent.
Not only does she enjoy relaxing in her car, she also loves expressing herself and, if I heard Sable correctly, “taking the top off”…
…which would explain all the footage of her taking her top off for various reasons. There was the time Jacqueline started ripping off Sable’s muumuu, with Sable defiantly finishing the job …
…the time she took her top off in a bikini contest to spite Vince McMahon for making her dress conservatively…
…and the time she took her top off to spite Vince McMahon for disqualifying her from the bikini contest for taking her top off.
The one arena where Sable won’t be losing her shirt is the financial one, as she demonstrates in this genuine business meeting captured on film.
Just because Sable’s a calculating business woman doesn’t mean that she’s not a kindhearted lady, too.
Now, if you had watched this far, or if you’ve listened to any of these audio clips, you’re probably thinking that Sable really ought to work on her acting (because she clearly has such a great aptitude for it and ought to pursue her talent further, that is).
Fortunately, Sable is one step ahead of all of us, having guest-starred on USA Network’s Pacific Blue.
To close this video, which as I’ve mentioned is definitely not a porno, Sable takes a shower outside for some technically-not-naked footage that the producers haven’t even bothered to justify.
What were they supposed to do, have Sable do a voiceover explaining that she loves bathing and finds it relaxing?
For any man reading who still wants to hear Sable wax philosophical while he whacks not-so-philosophical, Sable Unleashed is available to watch online.
Not on YouTube. On a different video site.
You’ll have to turn off Google SafeSearch to find it.