At the beginning of the week, I opened up an email from my old buddy, old pal, the “Charlie” to my “Angels”, Mr. RD Reynolds.
“Hey Kelly, how’s ’bout writing about Pretty Ricky this week?”
I literally sat staring at my screen for five minutes.
I puzzled and puzzed til my puzzler was sore.
But unlike the Grinch, I didn’t think of something I hadn’t thought of before.
No, I was still in the same place. And that was asking this question:
“Who in the hell is Pretty Ricky?”
Or if you prefer, “What in the hell is a Pretty Ricky?”
An episode of I Love Lucy I somehow missed wherein Lucy and Ethel Mertz dress up Little Ricky for a kids beauty contest (like a 50 years ahead of its time Toddlers in Tiaras)?
Perhaps something to do with that midget in the Verne Gagne vanity pic, The Wrestler?
A badly misinterpreted pack of fireworks, like when you get a box of Roman candles and it says “Dancing Goldfish” on the package?
Some bizarre sexual position Blade and Don (Don Mason) came up with one night while watching Monster in the Closet or some other horrible Z-movie
Then RD (and my friend Shawn) explained it to me.
And I watched it.
And it was worse than any of those things I had in my mind that it COULD be.
So what, exactly, was Pretty Ricky, you ask?
Well, the short answer is that “Pretty Ricky” was an SNL-like character played by Ron “R-Truth” Killings (or Killins, if you’re Lex Luger).
Oh, while I’m not the kinda person that cries “RACISM!” at every little thing, well…all I’ll say is that this thing would have made Saba Simba say, “Whoa whoa whoa…you’re taking this a little too far.”
Perhaps the introduction of Pretty Ricky should have told us just how much thought was put into it, as Todd Grisham looks bored out of his skull and Jim Ross keeps looking to the side, presumably at the numbers on his paycheck to gain the willpower to continue. We don’t get something like “R-Truth got hit over the head and has amnesia” but, and I quote, “R-Truth is acting strange. Let’s go to the video!”
Hell yes, if R-Truth is acting strange, LET’S GO TO THE VIDEO!
ME WANTEE SEE!
R-Truth is outside the arena…and true to the warning, he is acting strange!
Strange being that he is wearing plastic novelty teeth he looks to have gotten from a gumball machine at the local 7-11 and also calling himself Pretty Ricky.
But apparently Pretty Ricky is just his given name…for you see his “government name is ‘Delicious.'”
I don’t have a government name, but if I did, I’d want it to be “Delicious.”
And I’d want to be a secret agent.
Or at least in the Protection Agency.
But I wouldn’t want to wear the teeth.
Truth…err, excuse me, Ricky…or should that be Delicious?…whatever…he tells us that he’s trying to get into Smackdown because he lost his VIP backstage pass or something. And that he has a GQ Magazine shoot.
I seemingly write this every week, but I don’t know, and I don’t care. Maybe that should be my catchphrase.
“FO SHIZZLE!” he adds.
Because don’t ya know, that’s what all black people say.
At least that’s what WWE’s WASPy Ivy League graduate writers would have you think. “Throw in some fo’shizzles there, the kids love that rapper stuff.”
It’s like someone saw Mickey Rooney’s Mr. Yunioshi in Breakfast at Tiffany’s and said, “We can top that!”
I can almost hear Brian Gerwitz yelling “WORD~!” at random intervals.
The question remains…will Ricky get inside? Will he get to his GQ shoot?
Not if the lesbian security guard has anything to say about it!
Ricky’s plan on convincing her to let him in revolves around dancing.
(Note from RD: I don’t know why, but this sounds like a solution you’d attempt in something like The Secret of Monkey Island.)
The dyke cops the now patented Triple Kelly “Don’t Know, Don’t Care” and doesn’t let him in.
Foiled by the rug muncher, Ricky attempts to sneak by another guard, this one looks exactly like Beau Bridges.
Beau Bridges who carries a WALKIE TALKIE.
He also refuses him access.
What’s a Pretty Ricky to do when he can’t get into the arena he’s presumably working at?
BUY SOME ICE CREAM!
Yes, he buys some ice cream from a vendor outside the arena.
You know, I’ve been to my share of live WWE events. Never once did I see an ice cream vendor outside.
I hope he’s at least selling those WWE ice cream bars.
The 12 hour Ricky marathon continues with him sliding up the banister like we all used to do during elementary school recess.
Had he yelled “Weeeeeeeee!” I may have cut him some slack.
Look, it’s a shot of fans filing into the arena.
I wouldn’t even mention it, but one of them is wearing a cool Zombie Marilyn Monroe shirt, and I want one.
Hey look, there’s Ricky, sliding past the ticket-taker and talking up a storm to a rent-a-cop, the highlight of which is him telling the guy his “government name is “Delicious.”
Because that hasn’t been said enough in this 2 minute segment.
He then harasses the WWE merch vendor who’s a 40 year old man wearing a CM Punk shirt.
HAHAHAHA, I’m sorry but a 40 year old guy wearing a CM Punk shirt is like a 40 year old guy wearing a “Team Edward” shirt.
R-Truth is then thrown out of the building by Steve Wilkos (this may be the most name-dropping I’ve ever done in an induction) and keeps yelling out the door that he’s Pretty Ricky.
You know, in case you haven’t heard by now.
Hey, is that Tim White? Isn’t he dead?
(Note from RD: I didn’t even know he was sick!
Eh, much funnier said than typed.)
He says he’s determined to get into the arena. Dude! Can’t you call up Vince McMahon or Kevin Dunn or the local promoter to vouch for you?
I know I shouldn’t even bother at this point in the induction, but I have to ask:
WHAT IS THE POINT OF THIS?
Is he trying to be Sascha Baron-Cohen as Borat?
Or Sea-Farin’ Lost in Cleveland Cactus Jack?
You might as well have MacGruber show up.
Following this fantastic debut, Pretty Ricky only showed up another week or two, including a bit at the beach. I’d review it, but honestly, I can only type “Delicious”, “Pretty Ricky”, “Fo Shizzle”, “GQ Photo Shoot” so many times before my fingers just start rejecting what my brain is telling them to do.
BTW, Noah Antwiler of “The Spoony Experiment” has a brand new vlog series called “Wrestle! Wrestle!” He’s a well-informed, witty wrestling fan and you can check him out at http://www.spoonyexperiment.com