I feel like I’ve written this induction 20 times before…probably because every year is exactly the same.
December comes, and I lose all self control. Between white fudge Oreos, Little Debbie Christmas Tree Cakes, Reese’s Peanut Butter Trees, and every other cookie, candy, and concoction under the sun, it’s amazing I don’t put on 50 pounds every year. It’s all fun and games eating like a bovine until January 1 comes along…and then the whole deal repeats itself.
And like a fool, I always turn to the world of pro wrestling to right the ship.
Over the years, I’ve covered tons of wrestling work out tapes, featuring everyone from Chyna to the Ultimate Warrior to the Bushwackers and more that I’ve forgotten. Yep, been there, done that, got the t-shirt (that no longer fits). They’re all in the archives, so start the new year right by nabbing that, won’t you?
This year, though, we’re doing something different. We’re not inducting a horrible weight loss plan…we’re inducting a great one.
A WONDERFUL one.
Ladies and gentlemen, may I introduce to you our new fitness instructor…Mr. Wonderful, Paul Orndorff!
In this mind bogglingly great instructional video from 1985, Orndorff gives gym instruction to a collection of well-meaning folks who want to turn their lives around.
But let’s not get too carried away with delusions of grandeur:
They will never, ever look as good as he does.
And while I generally don’t like to say anything negative about anyone, looking at this assembly…
….I’m inclined to agree.
Sorry weirdo cross-eyed woman, you will never be Mr. Wonderful!
Orndorff explains his fitness philosophy: “When I tell you to do something, do it! When I tell you what to eat, do it! You need to stop eating! You need to eat more! Everybody needs something!”
So the group goes to hit the weights and…well, they need a lot of work. Poor Paul shakes his head at the first guy he sees, but being the helpful soul he is, gives this insightful critique: “You’re doing it all wrong!”
Paul then shows us the proper way to do this exercise.
Note to self: tomorrow morning when you hit Planet Fitness and you’re on the bicep curl machine, make sure to pucker up your lips. That’s how Mr. Wonderful did it, and he has PERFECT BICEPS.
Don’t believe me? Just ask him!
The next guy is a bit better…and for that, I’d like to credit his awesome feathered hair, parted tastefully in the middle. I always tell Mrs. Deal if I still had hair, that’s exactly how I’d have mine. Which always triggers a “and that’s why I am glad you have no hair” response, but I digress.
Anyway, yeah, Paul notes this guy has obviously been in the gym, but he still has a long way to go. And you know what his problem is? He’s not lifting heavy enough weights!
Hey, I liked that hair!
Anyway, he Orndorff loads up the entire rack, and the poor guy nearly collapses after a half dozen reps.
I agree, Paul – no idea why you are wasting your time with these goofs!
And now it goes from bad to worse as he runs into this woman, who apparently can’t even put a seat belt on for this machine.
(Aside from RD: what the heck kind of exercise equipment requires a SEAT BELT??!!)
So Paul berates her for being a cow, but explains that he is going to try to help move the fat from her legs and her stomach to her chest. I’m not sure what exercise will magically do that, but Orndorff assures us he can do help her get bigger pecs. “Your husband will love that!” he notes.
And what does she do in response?
Stares at his crotch the entire time he’s talking.
I’ll tell you this: when Jillian Michaels opted to leave The Biggest Loser, NBC missed a golden opportunity by not replacing her with Mr. Wonderful. I promise you two hour blocks of him berating tubbos in such a manner would draw the highest ratings on television,
even especially in his current, Yosemite Sam mustachioed state.
Still, Paul tries to help this woman, as he next gets out the bacon grease and shoe horns and jams her into a triceps machine. While she is grinding out about 4 reps, Orndorff explains that her problem is that she won’t ever leave the dinner table. “You probably argue with your husband too!”
Off to the abdominal machine we go and…
…the pink nightmare has the temerity to touch Mr. Wonderful!
This causes the Orndorff, who until now had been showing the patience of a saint, to totally lose his cool, as he calls the girl a “fat pig” and tells the loser on the ab machine to “get off the damn thing!”
But Mr. Wonderful is nothing if not that – wonderful.
So wonderful that he grants the entire crew an audience once more…
…as long as half of them are on their knees in reverence to him.
And why shouldn’t they be?
He is absolutely wonderful!
So yeah, this is my workout video of choice for 2015.
You gotta admit, it’s better than the current option…