This may come as a surprise, but since I started this site, this…this is the induction I’ve wanted to write perhaps more than any other. It was something I saw “live”, the first time it ever aired, and it was something that now, probably more than 20 years later, I still remember verbatim. In fact, that’s true with a lot of the stuff that happened on the old Prime Time Wrestling show. Ask me about Tony Packo’s, and I can recite the whole bit between Bobby Heenan and Gorilla Monsoon, in which the duo was there to autograph hot dog buns.
Brain: “That’s G-O-R…”
Monsoon: “Will you stop! Sign your buns.”
Brain: “That’s gonna be hard to do without a mirror!”
Great stuff, and honestly, still my favorite period in wrestling ever.
The question, of course, is were these segments crap?
The answer, of course, is no. They were comedic genius.
But the one I’m about to delve into…well, it’s just borderline crap enough that I can justify inducting it. And since the alleged goal of this site is to make folks laugh, well, that’s good enough for me as well.
So why, you ask, have I put off inducting this for so long? A lot of reasons, really. For one, I couldn’t find the footage. In fact, I just found it a few months back, and while I really wanted to post it, there were just too many weeks in which someone from the business passed on to that big ring in the sky. Heck, even as I write this, I do so thinking, “Man, I really hope this actually goes live for more than a day or two.” That’s sad.
But today is not a day to be sad, fellow Crappers. It’s a day to laugh. Laugh at the absurdity of what were weekly skits on Prime Time. For what you are about to witness wasn’t some one-off occurance. This stuff happened every single week on that show, with zany skits that made no sense but were designed to help you to get to know the characters in the ring (or in this case, at ringside).
So without any further adieu, let’s spend some time with the man who puts the “fun” in “funeral”, Mr. Paul Bearer, who is with us today to give us some embalming tips.
Yes, embalming tips.
And yes, since you asked so nicely, we can answer in the affirmative that there was, in fact, a carcass on the set.
That’s just good wholesome family fun right there. I can almost hear Vince now in the opening:
“Gather ’round the children…we’re going to cut up dead people tonight on Prime Time Wrestling!”
Sho ’nuff, out comes your friend and mine, Paul Bearer, snapping his gloves into place.
You know, if I saw that dude heading my way, snapping his gloves like that…I think I’d be glad to be deceased, as it would be superior to him asking me to turn my head and cough.
Our pasty-faced creep began his procedure by detailing each and every tool of the trade, no doubt thrilling those looking to get into the embalming business.
I should probably clarify the above statement, by stating that he no doubt thrilled those looking to get into the embalming business by watching a pro wrestling telecast.
I have to think that’s how 9 out of 10 morticians got the itch.
As Bearer examined his instruments, he soon came upon the one most near and dear to his heart: the SCALPEL. He gazed lovingly at its shininess, pausing just long enough to raise it into the air…
…and impale the carcass with it. I’m thinking ol’ Paul isn’t quite all there.
Especially since he was draining the bodily fluids into his “”specialized machine”…
…which appeared to be an office water cooler.
Who knew a mannequin had that much chocolate syrup in it?
Almost makes me want to stick a straw in one of their ears the next time I’m hanging out waiting for the Missus to get done looking for sweaters at Kohl’s.
Soon enough, Paul was taking the innards out of his client.
Why, by golly, he looked just like a kid at Christmas!
In a moment of total surrealness, Paul noted the size of his heart.
Well, that wouldn’t have happened if the guy was under the Wellness Policy!
Finally, Heenan can take no more and promptly hurls all over the body.
Bearer, rightly furious, promptly throws a fit and leaves the set.
Back from commercial we come, and it doesn’t take long to make fun of Heenan for losing his lunch. The Brain, being the Brain, quips that he feels as bad as Vince’s outfit looks.
And what a fine look that was for Vince…in fact, it hit number five on our list of the “Nine Wrestler Looks that Immediately Need to Make a Comeback” in the new WrestleCrap Book of Lists!:
5. Vince McMahon’s Patented Pompadour and Zubazz: As fantastic as his 1980’s ensemble was, McMahon topped himself as host of Prime Time Wrestling during 1993. Not only was his hairdo perfectly coiffed, his clothing now consisted exclusively of oversized neon sweatshirts and zebra striped workout pants. During this period, it appeared that the owner of WWE moonlighted as a butcher, killing defenseless cows and then making trousers from them. There you go, guys – a great look, and a bizarre, original gimmick to boot.
You’d think that would be that, but oh no – Bearer apparently had a back-up just in case of such an incident.
That Paul Bearer…he comes prepared!
And what’s this? “Hayes”? Oh no, it can’t be…
I didn’t even know he was sick!
Now who’s going to shill the Clorets?
Of course, Lord Alfred wasn’t really dead. For that I am eternally thankful, because whether or not you liked that guy (and rest assured, we loved the guy), you have to admit he provided us a ton of great material for years to come.
After all, the guy would do anything for a laugh, and for that, our hat goes off to him.
That’s right, he was a stiff with a stiffy.
While Vince wondered what, exactly, a mortician would do when something like that “popped up”…
And then, just to make sure the guy was totally embarassed, Bearer ripped the sheet off him and he was laying there naked save for a pair of black socks and some tighty whiteys.
Sadly, Lord Alfred really did depart our world in July of 2005. I can only hope that Paul Bearer wasn’t the mortician in charge.
And that Bobby Heenan didn’t open the lower portion of the casket, book in hand.
Paul Bearer: “Have you ever seen a heart, Mr. Heenan?!”
Bobby Heenan: “No…I know Bret Hart, that’s about as close as I want to get!”
Bearer: “Kind of enlarged…kind of enlarged.”
Vince: “Talk about you barf breath. Are you feeling better?”
Heenan: “I feel like you look. That didn’t make me as sick as your outfit.”
Vince with a VERY forced laugh
Lord Alfred: “Clorets. Fast acting breath-freshening gum and mints. Only Clorets has Actosol with Chlorafil. It gets rid of bad breath FAAHHHST!”
Vince: “This guy’s been dead of a long time, I know him personally. Alfred? Alfred?”
Heenan: “Hey, the stuff you took out of the last one, can you stick it back in him?”
Lord Alfred: “Alfred, how can you possibly subject yourself to this?”
Bearer: “We want him to look as natural as possible.”
Heenan: “Then you should have come here 63 years ago.”
Vince: “What do you do when something pops up like that?”
Bearer: “When they’re in the casket, you can’t see past the waist.”
Vince: “When you’re embalming, you take the old hammer and…???”
Heenan (making kicking motion): “Three points! As Fonzie would say McMahon, SIT ON IT!”