I never thought I would say this, but Hulk Hogan should stick to wrestling. As bad, as boring, as outdated as he has become in recent years, nothing he could do in the ring compares to the sheer mind numbing torture that his movie career has created.
As if Santa with Muscles wasn’t bad enough, he also dropped a bomb on movie goers by the name of Mr. Nanny in 1993. And while it isn’t QUITE as bad as SWM, a double root canal would still be less painful.
The film opens with the Hulkster, who portrays former wrestling great Sean Armstrong, sleeping on a dock. Suddenly, we get a peak into the dreams of the Orange Goblin…
…and apparently, his dreams are really nightmares, as he gets pummelled over and over by the likes of Jim “The Anvil” Neidhart, Brutus Beefcake (as the Zodiac), Afa, Kamala, and George “The Animal” Steele.
You know, those guys are in my nightmares too, but they aren’t beating me up; I am just being forced to watch their matches.
He is awaken from his slumber by his old pal Burt, played by Sherman Hemsley, aka George Jefferson.
Sadly, he never calls Hogan “Weesy”.
Burt talks Sean into taking a job as a bodyguard for a rich inventor by the name of Alex Mason. Sean shows up for the interview, and proceeds to beat up all the security guards.
Instead of being appalled, Sean’s prospective employer is impressed that he was able to handle the rent-a-cops so easily, and hires him on the spot.
Mason makes microchips, including one called the Peacekeeper , which is in the penis-shaped laser rocket Hogan is stroking at right.
Mason is being hunted down by David Johansen, who some of you might remember as Buster Poindexter, crooner of Hot Hot Hot. If you don’t know that song, well, it’s the audio equivalent of having your toenails ripped off with rusty pliers.
Johansen plays Thanatos, who for has a big shiny metal plate on his head (for reasons we’ll learn later). This causes him to have headaches and scream a lot.
Hmmm…maybe this IS as bad as Santa with Muscles.
Back at Mason’s house, Sean meets Mason’s two annoying children, Kate and Alex Jr.. They hate nannies, so they play all kinds of zany practical jokes to get them to quit.
It’s kind of like Home Alone with both minutes of laugher removed.
In the movie’s only saving moment, Hogan re-enacts a scene from American Pie.
Actually, he doesn’t. See, that would have been at least somewhat amusing, and trust us, this movie is anything but that.
The housekeeper dubs Sean “Mr. Nanny”, and thus so will we for the remainder of this review.
Mr. Nanny protects the children whether they be at school or at home. He sits in chairs much too small for him.
Big people sitting in little chairs is funny!
Meanwhile, the kids continue their antics. They put Mr. Nanny on an exercise bike, and set it to 90 MPH!
High speed film is funny!
They use a gas cap stocked with a dozen or so 9 volt batteries to create an electromagnetic field…
…which causes Mr. Nanny to nearly suffocate under the weight of his barbells!
Watching Hogan gasp for his last breath is funny!
You know, come to think of it, it kinda is!
Finally, Mr. Nanny has had enough. He yells at the children, something their father had never done. Instantly, the children LOVE Mr. Nanny.
That’s a helpful lesson for all you parents out there – if you think your kids don’t love you, just yell at them.
Hey, it worked for Mr. Nanny!
Mr. Nanny teaches Alex Jr. how to be tough, giving him his first steroid injection (off screen, of course).
He then sings to little Kate, so off key that it makes one yearn for William Shatner’s The Transformed Man.
Hogan confides in Kate that he has always been clumsy, so she takes it upon herself to teach him how to be graceful. They have a tea party…
…and then he puts on a tutu and dances around and talks like a fruit.
All this fun and frivolity is short-lived, however, as the Masons and Burt are kidnapped by Thanatos. We learn that Thanatos and Burt and Mr. Nanny have a history, as Thanatos is actually an evil wrestling promoter who told Mr. Nanny to do a job, which Mr. Nanny refused to do (although they actually referred to it as ‘throwing the match’).
Hey, at least Hogan didn’t have to stretch too much for this role!
We also learn that Thanatos used to have a big afro, but he lost it when Mr. Nanny threw him off a building.
Maybe this is where they came up with the idea for Halloween Havoc 95!
As Mr. Nanny comes to rescue his friends, Burt uses his toes to fire a machine gun and get himself free.
Stan Lane may have had “educated feet”, but I bet they never activated a firearm.
Anyway, Mr. Nanny beats off the bad guys, while the nerdy family creates a generator of sorts that spins Thanatos around and around, finally shooting him into outer space (hey, I can’t make this stuff up). All that is left of Thanatos is his shiny metal skull plate.
Mr. Nanny then tries to leave, but the kids booby trap his bike, and is presumably forced to live with the Masons forever.
And thus another Hogan movie ends on a happy note, except for me, your loyal WrestleCrap webmeister. If you want a better glimpse at this movie, head on over to IMDB and check out the trailer. You can find it here. And while you’re at it, vote for it and give it a 1. Right now it’s not even on the Bottom 100, and while it may not suck as bad as Santa With Muscles, it should definitely be on that list!
Thanatos: “Shut up! I’m getting a headache!!”
Burt (aka, King of all Puns, Large and Horrible): “Aww, don’t wig out! I couldn’t HAIR you!”
Thanatos: “Shut up! Shut up!!”
Note: This is a good sound bite to scare your children into going to bed.
Mr. Nanny: “Twinkle, twinkle little star/how I wonder what you are/up above the world so high/like a diamond in the sky/twinkle twinkle little star/how I wonder what you are”
Mr. Nanny (with lisp): “Burt! What a pleasure to see you. You look absolutely effervescient. May I offer you tea? Perhaps a watercrest sandwich?”
Burt: “Knock it off! And get out of that thing!”
Mr. Nanny: “You mean my leotard? Ah, the ballet. It enhances grace – I’m a changed man!”
Thanatos: “I ordered you to throw that match. It cost me money – BIG money!”
Burt: “Oh yeah? Bigger than your hair?”
Mr. Nanny: “We don’t throw matches!”
Mr. Nanny: “He landed headfirst at the swimming pool next door.”
Alex Jr. : “It must have made a killer splash!”
Mr. Nanny: “Naw, the pool was empty. It would have killed him, but his hair cushioned the fall.
Burt: “Of course, they couldn’t scrape all his brain goo, but at least he got a metal plate in the slammer. HA HA HAH!”