Monster Mash


I know a lot of you hated the WWE re-incarnated version of ECW, and for years, I stood amongst you with the torches and pitchforks. Lately, though, I’ve had a fond recollection for the show. Think about all the great times we had on those Sci-Fi Tuesday nights.

Remember when Kelly Kelly was an exhibitionist who couldn’t figure out how to remove her bra?

Remember when Mike Knox body slammed a guy like 20 times in a row?

Remember the Abraham Washington Show?

(Note to self: tell Kelly to get to work on that induction!)

Remember the Zombie?

Yes, good times all. No matter how great each of those moments were, though, they all paled in comparison to what I would suggest was WWECW’s greatest moment ever: the ECW Monster Mash battle royal. And why was it so great? Let me count the ways:

1) It was a battle royal to celebrate HALLOWEEN!

2) It was hyped for weeks with goofy commercials with the world’s worst Boris Karloff impersonator!

3) It featured just four participants, but my GOD were they awesome. In fact, I’m going to give them each their own number because that’s how incredible this line up is:

4) Kane!

5) Mark Henry!

6) Big Daddy V!

7) The Great Freakin’ Khali!

And yes, the promo featured Mark Henry beating his chest as if he were King Kong. If I ever dared face the wrath of Jerry McDevitt, it would be to post that promo in its entirety. (Instead, I’ll just post a link to it here and hope he goes after the Daily Motion folks instead.)

Indeed, this match was 7 different kinds of awesome. That someone in WWE came up with the idea to put these four giant and completely horrible guys in a ring to fight for our amusement is so incredible I almost shed a tear.

And this thing was great before anyone even entered the ring, as the entrance way was covered in cobwebs, fog machines, and skeletons. It was like someone saw the Chamber of Horrors entrance ramp and said, “You know what? We can do better than that! Game on, BITCH!”

SPEAKING OF games…if THQ would put this set into the new Smackdown vs. Raw release, I promise it would sell at least 47 million more copies.

And I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention Big Daddy V here.

This wasn’t just fat ol’ King Mabel.

This wasn’t smoking jacket Viscera.

This was Big Daddy V at his most flabbiest, wearing the single most unflattering outfit ever to hit pro wrestling.

Seriously, I bet Mike Shaw (God rest his soul) watched this and thought, “Man, I didn’t look so bad in that Bastion Booger get up.”

The battle ensues with Henry, V, and Khali attempting to corner Kane. Their attempts are foiled, however, due to Kane’s quickness.

You read that right – Kane was far more agile than any of his opponents.


And it just keeps getting better, as the guys pair off and commence to clubberin’, climaxing with Henry and V running into each other with clotheslines, causing them to simultaneously fall to the ground.

This is followed up with a Khali throwing his own horrible clothesline that would have for sure taken Kane’s head off…if Kane were 12 feet tall.

Which he’s not.

Only explanation I have is that perhaps Khali fought 12 foot creatures whilst in Punjab.

You got a better explanation? I’d like to hear it!

You know you’re watching a four-man battle royal for the ages when three of the guys are on the ground within, no joke, 60 seconds of the bell ringing.

Just when I thought things couldn’t possibly get any better, V stood next to Kane…which made him fall to the mat.Keep in mind, V didn’t hit Kane, didn’t poke him in the eyes, nothing. The guy literally collapses while standing next to him. Only two syllables for that (and in the spirit of the season, it needs to be bright orange):



Unfortunately for Big Daddy V, Kane is able to regain his consciousness just in time to duck a clothesline (yes, another one!) and heave him out of the ring.

One monster down, two to go!

Khali runs rampant by squeezing people’s heads. Surely he’s the odds on favorite now – after all, how on earth could he be eliminated?

One word:


Now down to two men, the action heats up with…and with the Good Lord above as my witness and I am NOT making this up…a clothesline in the corner.

Who was the agent for this match? Outback Jack?

Realizing that regular old clotheslines won’t be enough to win this match, he heads up top to deliver a FLYING clothesline…

…but gets caught mid move and heaved to the floor.

Well, live by the clothesline, die by the clothesline I always sez!

And how did Mark Henry celebrate his win?

By beating his chest like King Kong.

If ever a match needed to be an annual tradition, it’s this one!!

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