Hog Pen Match

The Hog Pen Match

Hey, would you look at that? Triple H is in the main event at WrestleMania.


I know it’s not really en vogue anymore to bellyache about Vince’s son-in-law taking over the cherished top spot on the card, likely due to the fact that we’ve all been doing it for so long. And, more to the point, it will never change, unless he suffers a career-ending injury or Stephers decides she wants to dump the guy. So pretty much, we all have to suffer together, whether we like it or not.

Still, it could be worse. That ‘mania showdown between Randy Orton and John Cena that Hunter sandwiched himself into could be a hog pen match. And that would be unfair, since Trips would have the experience factor in his favor.

Yeah, remember that? Remember when Hunter Hearst Helmsley, your pal and mine, Triple H, rolled around in the mud with swine?

Good times.

Since I know there are those of you reading these words that don’t believe such an encounter ever took place, let alone one with the alleged King of Kings, well, take a look to your left. See those curly tailed porkers snorting about in the mud?

They were part of this legendary showdown. For parked halfway between the entrance ramp and the ring was a 12′ x 12′ pen, complete with mud, feces, and a herd of piggly wigglies.

And they weren’t alone.

For starters, we had, as I mentioned, Hunter. Check him out in that suave red riding jacket.

You know, it’s really a shame that Shawn and Hunter went with a green and black motif instead of red and black on.

I have little doubt that if Shawn was out hawking DX versions of that little number, it would be so in demand WWE couldn’t make them fast enough.

Hunter’s foe this evening? Why that would be none other than WrestleCrap inductee Henry O. Godwinn.

Isn’t that clever? His initials are H.O.G.!

Hmm, you’re right.

It’s really not that clever.

To round things out, let’s give a big round of moonshine aided applause to our special guest referee, Hillbilly Jim!

After all, who could better maintain law and order in a match in which the object was to throw your opponent into a pig pen?

And yes, such was the goal of this epic bout.

You may ask, then, why so much of it was spent in the ring. Keep on asking, because I have no plausible explanation.

Still, I can’t complain too much, as it meant we got lots of classic Vince McMahon commenting nuggets like this.

Sadly, due to the nature of the match, we didn’t get an equally classic “1-2-3 He Got Him, No He Didn’t.”

We did, however, get some hahalarity in the form of Hunter getting slopped.

How about that – for once the garbage was going into Triple H’s mouth instead of coming out of it!

(Uh, Krankor? That’s your cue.)

As for the actual wrestling in the match…hey, wait a minute. I just noticed something very strange looking at that picture to the left.

Is it just me, or is Hunter really, REALLY skinny here? Why, that doesn’t look at all like the guy ransacking Raw these days.

Since I know many of you may have the temerity to make untoward allegations about how, exactly, his physique could have changed so drastically, allow me to explain what happened.

That slop that slop Henry shoved down Hunter’s gullet?

I bet it contained spinach.

So anyway, the match drags on and on, as fans were looking for anything to keep their interest.

Unfortunately for those watching at home, that meant approximately 47 minutes of Jerry Lawler doing a really bad Jeff Foxworthy routine.

Just when you thought it would never end, back to the hog pen we go, as Henry makes a blind charge at Hunter who promptly drops him into the slop.

Geez, didn’t that poor hick ever watch a battle royal?

Following his loss, Hank hoists Hunter up and then gorilla slams him into the mud.

It’s like my old football coach used to say: it’s not whether you win or lose, it’s whether you throw your opponent into porcine feces.

And those piggies?

They just laughed and laughed and laughed.

Actually, that’s not true. They pretty much look horrified, and spent most of the evening attempting to escape.

And really, after sitting through that fiasco…who could blame them?

– Vince McMahon: “BAAAAAAAAAAACK Body Drop!”

– Vince McMahon: “If your Christmas tree has a deer stand in it, you might be from Bitters, Arkansas. If going to the bathroom in the middle of the night requires shoes and a flashlight, you might be from Bitters, Arkansas.”

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