Mancow – Pro Wrestler

Mancow - Pro Wrestler

As long as I write for Wrestlecrap, I know I’m going to keep writing the same thing over and over: “Why Was This On PPV?” And “Why did someone think this celebrity would help the cause?” I should just assign those to a macro.

The worst, of course, is when those two sentences slam into each other. Actually, take that back – the worst is when they slam into each other, and we get a “celebrity” who is only a celebrity in a very small portion of the country. Like, say, Eric “Mancow” Muller.

Name doesn’t ring a bell, eh?

For those of you who aren’t familiar with Mancow, he was/is a semi-well known radio personality known for his “outrageous” radio stunts that got him into trouble several times with the FCC and various non-profit organizations that have nothing better to do than protest stuff 95% of the country doesn’t care about and won’t make a huge difference in the world. Oh, and for being Chris Farley’s friend. He’s gotten into various heated feuds with fellow shock jocks Howard Stern and Opie & Anthony over various crap that, again, 95% of the country doesn’t care about.

And then he was in a match that I guarantee 100% of the country didn’t care about, that being a technical showdown with Jimmy Hart at Spring Stampede 2000.

At least WCW had the sense to have the bout take place in Mancow’s backyard of Chicago, IL. You’d think that would be a no-brainer, but given their booking strategies in their dying days, I half expected this to happen in the Norfolk Scope or something.

Our announce team? There’s Scott Hudson. He’s ok. Tony Schiavone rubs a lot of people the wrong way, but eh, he’s tolerable. But the conspicuous absence of Bobby Heenan and the conspicuous presence of Mark Madden makes me hope for an intestinal blockage

I should probably note that this would be taking place during the glorious Bischoff-Russo era in WCW. Remember that? Remember when you’d be reminded every 20 minutes that Russo was in WCW, just in case you forgot 19 minutes ago?

Good times.

No, I lie. They weren’t good times at all.

In fact, the sight of him walking down the aisle with a microphone in his hand makes me nostalgic for Eric Bischoff repeating all of Jay Leno’s jokes on Nitro.

(Note from RD: Those weren’t good times either.)

Speaking of not good times, let’s get into this fiasco, which started when Jimmy Hart went on Mancow’s Morning Madhouse radio show and the two got into a verbal fruckus over…well…something.

Seriously, I’m not sure what, as the recap video prior to the bout is not much help. I think it’s because Mancow said Hulk could do better without Jimmy Hart as a manager.

I don’t want to pick sides, but he may have a point: Hulk had the great Classy Freddie Blassie as a manager in his heel days before he was well established but as a babyface, no manager was needed for The Hulkster.

And even weirder when Jimmy Hart turned babyface to become his manager first in the WWF in 1993 and then in WCW and hasn’t left his side since. I’m kinda shocked this exchange didn’t take place on Bubba the Love Sponge’s show, but then again, seeing Bubba in the ring wouldn’t have been a thrill either.

Zero of one, none of the other I reckons.

Instead of witty trash-talking retorts as is commonplace on radio shows like Stern, O&A, or Ron & Fez, Jimmy decides he isn’t that quick-witted and just throttles Mancow and stuffs a cassette tape down his throat.

I REALLY hope it’s one of the MANY LAME political song parodies about Bill Clinton after the Monica Lewinsky scandal. I mean it, they were played ad infinitum on radio airwaves in the late 90s.

“Bimbo #5” with a bad Clinton impersonator. Man, that wasn’t funny the first time around, let alone the 200th.

Instead of taking Jimmy to court like a normal person who’s been physically assaulted would, Mancow challenges Jimmy to a wrestling match (perfectly legal in all 50 states as long as at least 1 participant is in the wrestling business).

What’s with the eyepatch, Mancow? Did you just take a money shot from a WCW executive?

He also bashes his arch-nemeses Howard Stern and Opie & Anthony.

An O&A fan noted that bashing them on WCW TV was like a tree falling in the woods.

Good point.

With five hours of first run programming at the time, WCW had plenty of chances to throw this on Nitro or Thunder.

Instead, wrestling fans got to pay for the privelege of watching it.

I cannot even fathom a single human being paying to watch this. Seriously, such a being cannot possibly exist.

Hart, ever the heel, comes out wearing a Howard Stern shirt. Sadly, Howard was too busy to show, as at the time getting half his fortune taken by his wife Allison and hanging out with Puff Daddy in the Hamptons.

Hmm, Puff Daddy in the Hamptons or being on WCW in 2000.

Think he made the right choice.

Mancow comes to the ring with his entourage of sidekicks, Al Roker Jr, Brian the Whipping Boy and the aptly named “Turd”.

If I ever get into a fight, I’m hoping I have someone named “Turd” in my corner for moral support, otherwise I’ll feel lost and unmotivated

OH! And we get skanks.

Because Russo likes skanks.

I can almost hear them conversing now: “Like this Mr. Russo? Am I standing here right, Mr. Russo?”

Mancow’s badass look quickly vanishes as he takes off his jacket and GOOD GOD, his arms are shriveled and barely there. I think Jim Cornette uses the term “buggy-whip arms”. Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t expect him to have Carrot Top biceps but come ON. A few trips to the gym wouldn’t have killed ya!

And here we go as the match starts off excitingly. With Jimmy Hart and Mancow rolling and flopping around….for 2 minutes straight.


Mark Madden is so moved that he yells, “CATFIGHT! CATFIGHT”

Somewhere in Philadelphia, Joey Styles weeps.

Jimmy does the one solitary wrestling move by jumping off the top rope and killing the referee.

Because apparently we needed a REF BUMP in this match.

The ref is down and out so you know shenanigans will ensue. Mancow wacks Jimmy with a chair just as the ref is recovering, and pins him for the 3 count like he’s trying to rape him in the missionary position.

That’s actaully quite appropos: as a wrestling fan, I do feel like I’ve been violated.

Perhaps not anally, but violated nevertheless.

No sooner is Mancow’s hand raised in victory when he’s quickly ushered away so Billy Kidman can run in and beat up Jimmy Hart because he wants to be buried by, I mean fight Hulk Hogan.

Oh wait, Russo is here.

The lack of sense somehow makes total sense.

Within a year, WCW was no more and Mancow renounced his shock jock status to become a conservative political talk show host that now only broadcasts in mining towns where Jesse James robbed their bank and visited their town blacksmith.

Which means he still has a bigger audience than WCW did in its last days.

Note from Triple Kelly: I just want to take a moment to give my condolences to the family and friends of legendary wrestling manager Captain Lou Albano, who passed away this week after being ill for some time. He was my late father’s favorite wrestling personality all the way back from Vince McMahon Sr’s WWWF and one of my earliest memories of watching wrestling were of Captain Lou on mid-80s WWF television, as well as watching him on The Super Mario Brothers Super Show like most kids growing up in the early 90s.

An icon who was kayfabe to the end. We’ll miss ya, Captain.

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