There aren’t many things in life I regret; I can easily count on one hand the number of instances I wish I could change. But tonight’s induction is a spotlight on something I wish I could roll back the calendar so I could tweak my life slightly.
I’ve been following pro wrestling since early 1985. Yes, I was a Rock & Wrestling guy, and I recall seeing Hogan, Piper, and Cyndi Lauper on MTV and having my interest piqued. It wouldn’t be until later that year, however, that I really latched on, watching my first British Bulldogs match and discovering the antics of Bobby “The Brain” Heenan.
All of this is my long-winded way of saying that I will forever bemoan the fact I missed the heyday of an incredibly great man, one who has graced this site before, “Dr. D” David Schultz. I realize some folks get offended when I use WrestleCrap to platform something other than the utter worst of wrestling, but hey, my site, my rules. Don’t fret, though – we’ll get to something awful shortly, especially since I will be doing a couple more WCW inductions as I head into a Death of WCW panel with JJ Dillon, Kevin Sullivan, and, oh yes, Eric Bischoff at Starrcast (info available for that rightchere).
But before that buffoonery begins, we’re having a WrestleCrap panel, and I am going to make up for past transgressions by having the chance to talk to Oscar from Men on a Mission, Gooker Award Winner DAVID ARQUETTE (!!!), and yes, “Dr. D” David Schultz himself!
Of course, long-time crappers will recall when the WWF took us into the man’s log cabin mansion (that he built using just his two hands while waiting to be called on to pilot the space shuttle!) in a legendary segment we inducted years ago, At Home with Dr. D. I honestly thought that nothing could ever top that, but several Crappers suggested I hunt down a DIFFERENT profile Vince & crew did on the good doctor right before he left the company for good.
And so we head back to the glory days of Tuesday Night Titans, where we find Vince McMahon in his normal environment: wearing an absolutely hideous suit. Seriously, look at that thing. As a trivia note, I have it on good authority (i.e., Facebook friend MK Van Alta) the suit would later be repurposed as carpet for the WrestleMania V Piper’s Pit.
Vince tells us that we are about to be joined by a very special guest…”Dr. D” David Schultz!
So Vince sticks his hand out, looking for a friendly gesture.
As if.
Dr. D slaps his hand away in disgust, then turns to Lord Alfred. Of course Hayes is such an idiot he doesn’t know how to even shake hands properly. Schultz gave him two tries, and he failed both times. What a GOOF.
I would be doing everyone a disservice if I were to fail to mention (and sample) the incredible music that introduces this madness. Holy crap, that is awesome stuff.
No sooner does Schultz sit down than Vince immediately begins insulting the poor guy, noting that he believes Dr. D to be the most arrogant man in the entire World Wrestling Federation. Our hero just laughs off such a notion, because you see, he’s a WINNER and he doesn’t care what people think of him. That’s a life lesson for all you youngsters to learn right there.
Vince seems less than enthused by such a response, however, and tells us we will now go to footage of Schultz at Paul Vachon’s wedding. While there, the bride starts whining about how she doesn’t like cake.
So Doc shoves the cake right in her face.
All this was missing was an “EAT IT! EAT IT NOW!”
(Note to self – bring a loaf of bread for Schultz to autograph. Or maybe just throw at random people in the audience. Either way, it’s a win.)
Back in the studio, Vince turns to discussing John Stossel. Yes, for those of you who thought Schultz was shown the door immediately following that incident, not so. In fact, here’s Vince and Dr. D discussing how Schultz nearly, and I am just quoting McMahon here, “slapped the skin right off his face!”
Vince of course is appalled by Schultz’s antics.
That or Lord Alfred totally cut one.
Maybe both.
Eh, probably both.
From there we head out to the arena, where we are introduced to a very young Steve Lombardi. Screw that Brawler gimmick, he should have been The Brooklyn Doughboy.
And now here comes our hero, accompanied by…BOBBY HEENAN???!!!!
Wait, you are telling me that my all-time favorite wrestling personality ever actually managed my NEW favorite wrestler ever?
And I missed that too?
REGRETS, people!
So Schultz beats Lombardi literally from pillar to post, eventually slamming him onto the announce table.
Hey Paul Heyman, you need to be writing this guy royalty checks.
Also, how on earth did you never bring him to ECW? I bet he would have been so over you’d still be in business to this day.
Doc finishes his hapless foe off with an absolutely stunning second rope elbow. This was from a time when most wrestlers used finishes like a bear hug or a body slam. I’ll say it again: this man was so far ahead of his time it’s kinda amazing.
Redneck trash talking anti-hero who is also pretty dang good in the ring?
Back to the studio, Vince doesn’t bother to talk about Schultz’s dominance over Lombardi, but instead goes right back into how arrogant he is. Schultz notes that Vince probably doesn’t like him. Vince confirms that to be the case. So Doc responds by pulling a gun on him.
Let me repeat that.
DR. D PULLS A GUN ON VINCE MCMAHON.
Vince’s eyeballs get as big as dinner plates, and poor Lord Alfred may have soiled himself.
I didn’t think it was possible to approach the greatness of At Home with Dr. D, but this may have just gone screaming past it.
As for you, Alfred and Vince, don’t worry – we’re heading to a break!
Or maybe you SHOULD worry!
(Even if the jaunty music which followed Vince telling us Doc was going to show us MORE guns after the commercial would say otherwise!)
Not sure how Vince thought this could in any way, shape, or form resemble a good idea, but here we go to Doc’s GUN ROOM. Not being a total fool, Vince PLEADS with Schultz to be careful with the guns he is going to show us. Dr. D explains that he is ALWAYS careful with his firearms, and that everyone should be. He then tells us about how the top gun on his rack is for when he’s hankerin’ to go COON HUNTIN’. Further, he explains, that the recoil of that gun was so powerful that Vince could never shoot it as he’d fall over backwards from the force.
He yanks the next gun off the wall, and notes this is the same type of gun they used in Vietnam. This one, he notes, he keeps loaded at ALL TIMES, because when Dr. D wants to shoot, he wants to SHOOT. Lord Alfred passes on holding the gun, while Vince explains that he personally respects guns. “But I don’t appreciate one being pointed at me!” he adds.
After carefully examining the firearms on the wall, Schultz goes into his cabinet so we can be exposed to the other fine pieces in his collection. Upon pulling out a double barrel blaster, Vince exclaims, and again I quote, “Now this is an old sucker!”
Amazingly, Doc doesn’t just point the gun right at Vince’s head and pull the trigger. Instead, he explains that yes, it’s old, and it’s worth a lot of money. “Everything I have is worth a lot of money!” he exclaims. He then invites Lord Alfred to hold the gun. Hayes declines, profusely apologizing for not sharing Doc’s enthusiasm for guns.
Another gun is yanked out of the cupboard, and Shultz talks about how deadly accurate his aim is. In fact, with this gun, he could light a match at 100 yards.
“Would you like to touch it?” he asks McMahon.
“I would,” says Vince.
“You can’t touch it!” Doc bellows before putting it away.
THIS MAN IS AMAZING.
Discussion of using a twelve gauge to shoot 20 doves without reloading follows.
Lord Alfred, nearly sobbing, asks, “Who would want to shoot a dove?”
Dr. D replies thusly: “Oh shut up. McMahon, do you have to have that guy hanging around you all the time?”
Over and over McMahon asks Schultz to be careful with the guns, and to not point them at anyone. Dr. D tells him repeatedly that there is nothing to worry about, and that none of them are actually loaded.
Naturally, this leads to gun going off and blasting a hole in the non-existent roof of the room. Vince proceeds to go totally insane, calling Schultz a STUPID IDIOT!
So if you ever wanted to know where Chris Jericho got that line, it was from episode 24 of Tuesday Night Titans.
Schultz tells McMahon to stop hollering at him, explaining, and I am sure he’s correct in this observation, that someone had snuck in and loaded the guns when he wasn’t looking!
I’m betting it was Lord Alfred!
LOCK AND LOAD, DOC!
Amazingly enough, Doc does JUST THAT, grabbing the loaded gun and telling Vince and Alfred to hit the bricks. And they wisely do.
After the break…
…Vince welcomes us back. And then the show just continues…with Salvatore Belomo, who will show us his PAPER SHIP BUILDING SKILLS!
Wait, didn’t I induct that?
So we got Dr. D targeting Vince like a clay pigeon AND Bellomo the Boat Builder on the same show? Back to back? This may be the single greatest 60 minutes of television this company ever produced!