Pro wrestling comic books are nothing new. There have been all manner of comics based on wrestling characters over the past decade or so. For example, Marvel released a WCW comic in the early 90’s, and the WWF had several of their own comics (“Battlemania”) as well. In addition, individual superstars have had dedicated comics, with both the Ultimate Warrior and the Undertaker being recreated in comic book form.
For some reason that I dare not even ponder, so was Kevin Nash.
The book, creatively entitled NASH, is one stellar work of fiction. As the story goes, Big Kev is a hero who roams the wastelands of a post-apocalyptic era feeding the hungry, helping the poor, and pummelling any man fool enough to stand in his way. To quote the book, “A Man. A Legend. Called…NASH”
Yikes – that almost makes you long for the saner Warrior comic, in which the Ultimate nutcase stole depantsed Santa Claus then put the big guy into bondage.
Anyway, so begins the mythicalization of Kevin Nash. Not sure the masterminds behind this, but I will say that they had one hell of an imagination. Get this: in the comic, Nash cannot not only walk around without crippling himself, he can do so with swiftness and some semblence of agility! As I saw this, I began to wonder what kind of warped mind would attempt to somehow legitimize such impossibilities.
So, ok, yeah, Nash is a big guy who runs around pummeling nogoodniks. That’s fine. You know what, you want to write a comic like that, that’s cool. I’m serious, that would be just fine with me.
As you flip through the pages, you soon come to realize that this comic isn’t so much about Nash beating up bad guys on the wastelands as it is about Big Kev’s sex life. In fact, the one thing I learned from this comic is that Nash’s spends less free time fighting than doing the monkey bump with boobtastic skanks.
You see, in this comic, the ladies all love Big Sexy.
I’m serious – there are more sex scenes with Nash than there are FIGHT scenes. Maybe I’m just a nerd, but that just seems wrong. I never thought I would long to see Diesel beating the crap out of villains in comic book form, but this image sure as hell changed my mind:
Not enough for you? Well, then try this lovely montage on for size:
Wow, what a STUD that Nash is. Seriously – in the two comics I have, he bags no less than four ho dogs. At that rate, he has no choice but to screw them, then toss them right out of bed:
Yeah, YOU TOO, BITCH! You tell ’em, big man!
Ok, ok, enough. I think I’m having a breakdown here. Before I write another single word, I have to stop. And I want YOU to stop. Don’t scroll down, don’t even think about doing that. For me, your ol’ pal RD Reynolds, please stop, and look at the image above. You know what, if your stomach can handle it, attempt to stare at it. And then ask yourself this question:
WHO IN THE HELL WOULD WANT A COMIC BOOK THAT FEATURES IMAGES OF KEVIN NASH LYING AROUND NAKED?
Ok, sorry, I just had to rant. I think I’m ok now.
Or maybe not.
You see, even when Nash fights women, they are seemingly so engulfed by his Uncle Burt-level of studliness that they grope themselves.
Sure, other guys can beat up women – but how many are so super-ultra-mega sexy that the femme fatale fondles her chesticles as she is getting splattered?
And what’s Big Kev’s modus operandi to KO any villainess in his way? What else? A good, old fashioned punch to the poontang!
Hmmm…I think the most disappointing thing about the above image is “THWAK!” I’m thinking “SNATCH!” would have been much more appropriate. Still, I am thankful for the inset that helpfully points out that it’s her gun that went flying. I thought it may have been a dildo with Nash’s likeness on the synthetic penis head.
So there you have it – the Kevin Nash comic, in which Nash not only beds every single woman he comes in contact with, but beats them up as well.
As painful as this was to cover, I have somehow survived. However, as I read page after page of this pure, unadulterated crap, one question remained: who in the hell would ever think that making a Kevin Freakin’ Nash soft porn comic book was a good idea?!
Ahh…suddenly, it all makes sense.