This September, Death of WCW co-author Bryan Alvarez will release his latest book, Professional Wrestling for Dummies. While it’s hard to believe that the For Dummies series has never had an entry on pro wrestling in its 35 year publishing history, there were imitators.
Namely, The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Pro Wrestling, which RD inducted decades ago. Though I’m not proud to say it, I own not only that infamous book…
…but its lesser-known second edition.
See, back in the day, the O’Donnells used to do a Secret Santa. Each of us would get $10 or so to spend on a gift at our local mall—and not the cool mall, either. Inevitably, we’d all end up in the discount bookstore, where two Christmases in a row, The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Pro Wrestling sat in the bargain bin with a 90%-off tag.
As ashamed as I am to own the books, I’m even more ashamed to admit I enjoyed them, even if I started noticing glaring errors whenever they covered a topic I was already familiar with.
The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Pro Wrestling was written by Captain Lou Albano (who I first knew as the Headshrinkers’ manager) and Bert Randolph Sugar (who I first knew as co-author of The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Pro Wrestling) and published in 1999.
Its revised edition, released the following year, more than merits its own induction.
Now, if anyone knows anything about The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Pro Wrestling, it’s that it listed “Rocky Melvin” as The Rock’s real name. But in fact it did no such thing! It actually listed it as his ring name, a much stupider mistake when you think about it.
The good news is that the second edition gets rid of the Rocky Melvin blunder, as well other “fun facts” like Shawn Michaels’s piledriver finisher, or the time in 1997 when ECW created the ladder match.
The bad news is that it also gets rid of a lot of the old, not-immediately-disprovable anecdotes about wrestling’s early days…
…in favor of stuff from early 2000 that no fan would even remember by the time the book hit the shelves.
In the Year Two Thousand…
Case in point: Chapter 15 gives brief bios of the day’s superstars: Chyna, Big Show, Undertaker, Chris Jericho, Jeff Jarrett, The Dog…
Team Package (Lex, Ric, and Liz) gets about as many mentions as the nWo.
Stevie Richards is listed as Essa Rios’s tag team partner.
Rikishi is listed repeatedly as Rikishi Phatu.
It’s paramount to state every WCW star’s affiliation with the New Blood or Millionaire’s Club.
Not only was this stuff out of date by the time the book went on sale, it was out of date before it was even finished. Thanks to the swerves and sudden gimmick changes of the time, it’s possible to pinpoint when each chapter was written.
In one chapter, Sid Vicious is listed as WCW Champion, and half his bio is about an altercation with Hulk Hogan on the March 22nd Thunder. Within three weeks, Bischoff and Russo would throw out the title reign, the heel turn, and the feud.
Two chapters earlier, it’s August 2000. Bill Goldberg has just refused to follow the script, but the authors aren’t sure yet whether it’s a work or a shoot. Meanwhile, the title histories section only goes up to May. David Arquette is still champion.
But the most egregiously “2000” thing in The Complete Idiot’s Guide is its fixation on that year’s WrestleMania…
…a pay-per-view outshined by the one right after it (and the one right before it) (and the one before that).
In nine pages of excruciating detail, the authors summarize the convoluted last three weeks of build to the main event, complete with Vince’s threat to blister Steph’s fanny.
Then there’s another entire chapter devoted to the event itself, from Chester McCheeserton to the Hardcore Battle Royal…
…whose ending the authors manage to screw up even worse than the WWF.
Misquotable Notables
Speaking of screw-ups, Bert and Lou mangle quotes left and right, no matter how famous.
Who could forget Stone Cold’s legendary line, “Austin 3:16 means I just kicked your ass!”?
Or Buff Bagwell’s boast, “Buff’s got the stuff!”
But no one gets misquoted in The Complete Idiot’s Guide more than The Rock. See if you remember these famous quotes from the People’s Champ:
“Finally, the Rock has returned to (your town here).”
“Millions upon millions”
“If you can smell what The Rock is cookin’?” (Question mark in the original)
And then there’s this sentimental crap, which Bert Sugar claims The Rock “always” says:
At least they don’t call him Rocky Melvin anymore. Other wrestlers, however, aren’t so lucky when it comes to names.
There’s “Devil Woman” Terri Runnels (in actuality, the “horny little she-devil”)
There’s “The Most Dangerous Man Alive”, Steve Blackman.
Rikishi’s three signature moves are “The Stinky Face” (Stink Face), “The Phatu Squash” (Banzai Drop or “Rumpshaker”), and something called “Back That Ass Up” (which is probably either the Stink Face or the Banzai Drop).
And just to prove there’s no favoritism for the figures of wrestling’s past, Lou and Bert misname the
Gold Dust Trio of Mondt, Sandow, and Lewis. In this second edition, they’re “The Gold Trio”.
Talking the Talk, Spritzing the Spritz
After reading a few chapter of The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Pro Wrestling, readers will catch a number of quirks of speech on the part of Bert and Lou.
Besides multiple mentions of pulchritude and hors de combat (which is not, to their credit, their name for WWF’s women’s division), other strange terminology abounds.
There’s “The Spritz”, which is Bert Sugar’s name for Triple H spitting water. Despite no one ever calling it that, before or since, Bert makes up a fake quote from Triple H…
…where The Game not only calls it The Spritz, but sounds like Mae West.
There’s “say uncle”, which, as two men born in the 1930s, the authors use nearly every time they discuss submissions (“tap out” appears exactly once).
And there’s “baddies”, which, while not as frequent as in the the first edition, still shows up every now and then to refer to heels. To readers in 2026, it sounds like they’re calling Gorgeous George a bad bitch.
Hallucinations
Decades before AI “hallucinations”, Captain Lou and Bert Sugar were casually relaying totally bogus stories.
On the more plausible end of the spectrum, there’s Val’s Gals, the scantily-clad entourage whom Val Venis brought to the ring in his early years. In fact, there was no such name or even such an entourage; they’re probably confusing him with the Godfather.
Elsewhere, Albano and Sugar note in passing that Danny Hodge’s own father once stabbed him during a match; in fact, he stabbed the opponent.
On the totally cuckoo end of the spectrum, they twice claim that ECW’s Sign Guy Dudley invented the fan sign (circa 1995)…
…and that so many fans imitated him at wrestling (and sporting) events that promoters were forced to lift their ban on them.
Hell, Sign Guy Dudley wasn’t even the first sign guy in ECW (or Eastern Championship Wrestling, as the authors still frequently call it). He was a parody of this guy!
The authors of The Complete Idiot’s Guide also inexplicably double the time limits that referees enforce. Not only do wrestlers have a 20-count to get back in the ring (and I doubt Captain Lou was frequenting the Egg Dome)…
…but they have ten entire seconds to break a chokehold before the ref awards the match to the opponent (if he’s still alive).
Additionally, they claim that a standard battle royal features 30 wrestlers (like the Royal Rumble) who enter at regular intervals (like the Royal Rumble) of three minutes (like no Royal Rumble ever).
Bio Hazards
Readers looking for an inside scoop on their favorite stars would learn the following:
Sable debuted in 1997 as valet to “Mean” Marc Mero, delivered a totally made-up victory speech upon winning the Women’s title, then left the WWF in 1999 because she was getting so many acting jobs and for no other reason than that.
Owen Hart debuted as The Blue Blazer in the early 90s, before turning heel under his own name and getting overwhelmingly cheered (as was the style at the time).
As for brother Bret, he left the WWF due to a “contract dispute” to join the nWo. Montreal Screwjob? The authors aren’t familiar with such an event, and define “screwjob” as “a match fought outside the rules of wrestling”.
But the most laughable bio belongs to Tammy Sytch, whose brief blurb claims she’s known for her loyalty to Chris Candido.
“Real” Names
Relying heavily on Captain Lou Albano’s memory, The Complete Idiot’s Guide features a special section on the real names of pro wrestling’s stars, which are sometimes correct!
Others, on the other hand, are misspelled, like:
- Glen “Disco Inferno” Gilburdy
- Monty “Billy Gunn” Sopt
- Roderick “Roddy Piper” Tombes
…and, most amusingly, Rohn “Balls Mahoney” Rickner. The man’s name is Jon.
Special mention goes to the various members of the Anoa’i clan. Despite managing not one but two tag teams from the same family, Lou still spells it “Anoia” every time.
As for Bruno Sammartino, his real name was Bruno Sammartino. According to Lou Albano, it was Bruno who first suggested he become a manager. But if he knew Bruno so well, why does he call him Bruno Romano? Perhaps he confused him with Ray Barone?
In still other cases, the authors assume a wrestler’s previous ring name is his actual name.
We all know now that Justin Bradshaw’s real name is John Layfield, but the authors claim he’s “John Hawk”
Chris Kanyon’s real name was Chris Klucsarits. Lazily, the guide lists him as “Chris Canyon”.
Little Guido’s real name is James Maritato, but Lou Albano has de-Italianized him as “James Stone”
Crash Holly (Mike Lockwood) first gained fame as Erin O’Grady, which Bert and Lou assume was his real name, despite his gimmick being a leprechaun.
Speaking of ethnic mix-ups, the Iron Sheik (Khosrow Vaziri) never wrestled as Jose Azzeri, but the authors make him Argentinian anyway.
The Moves that Really Move ‘Em
The Iron Sheik, of course, was famous for his camel clutch, but he applied it all wrong. At least if you follow The Complete Idiot’s Guide to the letter, which tells wrestlers to “sit on his back and slide your arms under his legs”.
Sheik was also famous for his match with Hulk Hogan, which ended thusly:
For years, I’ve thought that the Ax Bomber was a kind of clothesline, but apparently it was Hulk’s leg drop—a magic leg drop executed on a standing opponent who is also on the mat, knocking him over.
That’s not the only that breaks the fabric of reality; there’s also the powerbomb. Instructions for this move are as follows:
“From a bear hug position…”
“…slam face down onto back.”
It’s a wonder how the British Bulldog ever managed to pull off such a move (his finisher, according to the book, is a running powerbomb).
The wonders continue. One wrestler, whom the authors don’t bother to name, “recently managed three complete rotations of his balled-up body” off the top rope. But compared to some of the mind-benders mentioned above, an 1170 splash seems downright mundane.
To top everything off, the guys attempt to describe the suplex, one of wrestling’s most basic moves…
…and end up describing the obscure straitjacket suplex.
While The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Pro Wrestling never got a third edition, we can only hope that Bryan Alvarez’s Professional Wrestling for Dummies succeeds where Lou Albano’s book failed…
…because I’d really like a definitive answer about Goldberg refusing the script.