Ed Ferrara

Ed Ferrara

Yeah, you read that right, Buck-O. That pansy-pants Carter is outta here and yours truly has taken the reigns of this column. You see, when Vince bought this site (and I still don’t know why), he talked me into making my return to the world of pro rasslin’. And seeing how we got the Blade kid on a leash, I get volunteered to have my say so here.

Let me make myself clear, kiddies. There ain’t gonna be no more of that boring Memphis crap here. That dime store stuff went the way of the dinosaur 30 years ago. Who the hell cares about some rinky-dink promotion with three people watching? I’ll tell ya who: No one. That ain’t wrestling anymore. What me and Vince did, we changed the whole landscape. We made a new machine. There ain’t no turning back now. Whether we’re in charge or not, this is OUR baby.

So anyways, Vince wants me to talk about wrestling or something here, until we can come up with something better for next time. So I thought I’d take a look at a real wrestler, a total badass who never took crap from anyone.

You see this guy? He could have beat the ass of every guy out there, legit. Not that he would have had to. Me and Vince, we just would have made the other guys lay down for him and take that three count like it was their final supper. And if they didn’t like it, they’d be carrying a bottle of Rogaine as a gimmick. Just look at him. He’s got everything needed in wrestling today: personality? Check. Charisma? Check. Cool outfit? Double check. Talent? Who the hell cares!!! This is rasslin’! You don’t need talent to wrestle! I tell you to get pinned, you get pinned. I tell you to use a sleeper hold (which I would never do, since that crap went out with Hackensmidt), you better use a sleeper hold.

Jeez Louise, look at that. That is the definition of a real wrestler. If I’d had my way, he would have been WCW and WWF champion at the same time. He woulda been too. After all, he was WCW Cruiserweight champion, and we had big plans for the guy.

See, that guy…that guy is Yours Truly. People were impressed by my short time as a main eventer on WCW programming. What a lot of them didn’t realize is that I had been in the business, as a wrestler called Beautiful Bruce, for years before that. Hell, they don’t even realize I didn’t start the Oklahoma character in WCW, I started it in WWF!!! And I was tough as nails there, too! Hell, who else there actually took any of Steve Williams’ suplexes? NO ONE BUT ME, that’s who! Steve Austin was too scared to. But me, I got in there and I took that bump like a man.

And later on, I got to pour barbecue sauce all over Madusa’s hooters.

Yeah, I’ve had a long and storied career. Y’know, I think that’s going to be what I’ll be writing about for a while. Hell, this could fill up a few months worth of these columns. So tune in next week, for another chapter in the wonderful history of me.

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