Every year about this time, I go back and find a women’s costume battle royal to mock. There’s a million of them in every promotion known to man, and they are all ridiculous. It’s less a tradition, more a way of life, one I was fully planning on continuing by inducting another this year.
Seriously, what could be more fun than watching AJ Lee LARP Katana from Mortal Kombat II?
Everyone loved that right?
What do you mean you don’t know?
It was YOU!
Would you pick out a stupid costume on purpose?
I take that as a yes.
Regardless, I was goofing around, searching the WrestleCrap vault for another of those debacles, and like something out of a Fox Family 13 Days of Halloween flick, I had a vision.
A vision not of lovely young lasses, but of this man:
You see, I remembered years back I watched a segment in which there was a house haunted by, yes, TONY SCHIAVONE. And while I was sure I had inducted this, a search all over the site revealed I had never done this.
Maybe I was just too horrified by what I witnessed to actually induct it.
So yeah, sorry Mickie James – we’ll have to push back your appearance as Lara Croft back at least twelve months.
Tony’s got a house to haunt!
If you want to play along, you can find this pretty easily on the WWE Network. It’s the opening segment of Halloween Havoc 93, featuring the legendary Spin the Wheel, Make the Deal. Now that I absolutely positively inducted that one forever ago – you can find in the archives (no tricks, just a treat you can get by clicking here).
You may think opening a wrestling show with four kids out on in the suburbs trick or treating would be kinda odd, but in retrospect, it fits right in with what was going on in WCW at the time. In fact, fans were getting crazy stuff like this all the time – this was the same year that Sting has his boat blown up by a honest-to-God midget wearing an eye patch for crying out loud. And as I made it very clear in my last induction, this company freaking loved Halloween. If anything, this mix of circumstances should have led us to expecting something insane.
But nothing could prepare you for something THIS insane.
So the other kids start whining about being out late, with them noting they really needed to get home, as Halloween Havoc was about to start. Product placement within the product!
What a WCW thing to do!
The leader of the crew would hear none of it, though, and tells the kids they were going to check out this spooky (albeit incredibly well lit) mansion. And if you think that a closed gate was going to deter this trollish imp of a vampire (and believe me, this kid is way annoying), you just don’t know Li’l Drac.
As the kids begin to stroll towards the front door, we get footage from inside the house of fingers tapping impatiently on a desk. Or maybe a coffin. Yeah, let’s go with coffin. The gate doors slam, giving the crew no choice but to move forward toward their doom.
I also want to state how incredibly well shot all of this is – mock the content, but the production values of this tripe were off the charts.
Well, save for the kids costumes. Li’l Drac we’ve already discussed, and the kid to his left in this picture is obviously Sting. Good for you, WCW – show the kids watching that other children like your guys! While having a kid wear a shirt featuring Sting reeked of Ben Cooper madness (of which I fully endorse), I’d like to think you were probably selling that shirt at the time. So four-eyed Stinger is full of win.
But what one earth is going on with those other two? The girl is wearing a bat symbol…on her head! Is that just some super hero I don’t remember? If so, I blame it on her pitiful costume design.
Far more egregious would be the older boy who I think – THINK! – is supposed to be Frankenstein. It appears his entire outfit consists of a sheet of green construction paper taped to his forehead. My guess is he went to his parents the afternoon of trick or treat, and they railed on the poor kid for not asking for an outfit sooner.
Reminds me of the year I told my Dad Halloween night I wanted to be the Fonz. He helpfully threw me the same leather jacket I wore every day and told me, “Sit on it, Potsie! Ayyyyyyyyyyyy!”
Ok, that never happened. But I really wish it would have. Oh, and I really miss my Dad. He had a great sense of humor. Way better than me.
Where was I? Oh, yeah, WCW kids ringing a doorbell and who should answer but, oh yes…
And let me tell you, these kids are legit thrilled, with the girl saying, and I quote, “Wow! It’s TONY SCHIAVONE!!!”
They are a bit confused however – with this being the night of Halloween Havoc (referenced twice more in less than two minutes!), shouldn’t he be at the show getting ready to announce?
Tony explained to the children that a helicopter will be there to pick him up in just a few minutes. As adept as this company was at losing money hand over fist, it wouldn’t shock me at all they’d have a helicopter hovering over Tony’s house until he gave them the high sign that he saw no more trick or treaters coming down the block.
And make no mistake about it – Tony loves kids.
To a very disturbing level.
That’s right kids – come inside.
I’ve got candy.
I mean really, if that doesn’t scream pedophile alert, maybe the fact he smiles like the Chesire Freaking Cat once he’s lured all the children in will.
If you still ain’t bothered, you need to listen to this audio where he hints that he is cooking his wife ala Kamala and is going to eat her (!!!!) will.
Yes kids – come inside indeed.
Tony is waiting for you!!
As soon as the kids get in, Tony teleports to the top of the stairs. It is at this point that I noticed he has lured these children into his house while he is wearing a tie and a BATH ROBE.
Ok, ok, maybe it’s a smoking jacket. Does that really make a difference?
Wait, can I see that shot of him closing the door again?
I don’t know what’s more bothersome – the way he smiles like the biggest creep this side of Hannibal Lecter or how he is nearly salivating as he looks at their backsides as they walk into his lair.
And then it somehow gets worse…
…as Tony goes nearly nose to nose with L’il Drac. If he’d have been any closer he’d have been locking lips with the poor kid.
As I look at this image, I have the exact same horrified facial expression as Batgirl in the background.
Nine-year old Nosferatu ain’t afraid of no pedo, however, and jams his index finger right into to Tony’s schnoz. Careful, kid – I’m thinking Tony knows a thing or two about bad touches.
And then, just as if this whole thing is batcrap crazy enough, Tony rips off his face to reveal that he is actually a demon.
I really should have bolded that. With a bunch of exclamation points. Let me try again.
Tony rips off his face to reveal that he is actually a demon!!!!!
Again, I remember seeing this way back in the day, but I was sure what I had in my head had to have been way worse than what was really shown.
Not sure I could have been more wrong. This was downright unsettling.
On the plus side, I’ve seen a lot of movies starring giant monsters, and let me tell you, TERRIFYING TROGLODYTE TONY was a better special effect than at least half of them. He could have walked onto The Dark Crystal and no one would have been the wiser. Heck, he probably could have made it better.
If Tony voiced the Skeksies, we would have at least been able to understand them!
Happy Halloween, kids!