I’m probably setting myself up for a lot of hate mail, but I was talking with a friend the other day about how it feels as though the legendary A Christmas Story is somewhat played out. Don’t get me wrong, I still love that movie and consider it an all-time classic. But it’s been aired non-stop for years and years, and part of me wonders if perhaps it’s time for a new holiday flick to take its place.
That or maybe I still have flashbacks to its horrible sequel, which you can read about here.
What’s interesting is while we are given several every new movies with Santa and whomever every twelve months, none seem to have any staying power whatsoever. Seriously, name a Christmas movie released this millennium that you watch every year as part of your preparation for December 25. If you are coming up blank, don’t fret – so am I. Not to worry, though, as I can give you like 15 from the 40’s and 50’s. How sad is that?
Still, it doesn’t keep Hollywood from trying. About fifteen years ago, Billy Bob Thornton showed up as a disheveled fat man from the north pole in a film called Bad Santa. While that film had a few funny moments, it basically came and went and few thought much about it since. Still, it did garner enough notoriety to warrant a sequel a few years back.
Heck, it even spawned a wrestling match on Raw.
You know, like ten years after the movie was in theaters.
Is anyone truly shocked by that? This is, after all, the same company that had the song Big Time as a WrestleMania theme song twenty years after it was initially released. And had a pay-per-view earlier this year named Great Balls of Fire. That song came out over a half CENTURY ago.
A decade lag is about as timely as one can hope for from WWE.
In our Monday night version of the story, Damien Sandow portrays Bad Santa, who has a stocking full of evil plans, most of which involve children.
That came out very wrong, but bear with me.
See, he feels the children of this world are leaches, and thus should not be gifted anything on December 25, and enjoys telling them that very fact. I should note he’s not at a mall or on a street corner ringing a bell. He’s literally just sitting backstage at a WWE show hoping a kid will show up he can ridicule.
Maybe it’s just me, but this seems to be a poor plan. Like, how would that ever happen? Who would these children be? Kids of WWE personnel? Are they even allowed backstage? If they are, somewhere Bill Watts has to be shaking his head.
Kinda like I am at this series of skits.
Eventually, a curly haired little doe shows up and tells Bad Santa she wants to sit on his lap. Thankfully, the AJ Lee shows up to put some paper towels on his lap as she fears the child may urinate or poop or something. Don’t blame me, I am just reporting the facts.
Being a fair man, I do have to credit WWE for the casting of AJ Lee as an elf. She would have been a great Tauriel. I can’t be the only one that thinks she’d be better than Evangeline Lilly was in the role, right?
See, she’s wearing green and everything!
So the child sits on Sandow’s lap and they share your standard horrible WWE comedy about bad breath, which is recited in the most dry manner imaginable. Seriously, that evergreen next to them isn’t as wooden as these two.
Annoyed with the wee tot, Bad Santa informs her that he will not be bringing her any presents this year. In fact, he’s not going to bring anyone gifts this year. Heck, while we’re at it, let’s just go ahead and CANCEL CHRISTMAS.
Before you break out the tissues, let it be known there just so happens to be another wrestling Santa. Better yet, he is a GOOD Santa. By golly, it’s none other than my former protege, Mark Henry! He finds a sad little boy who wants to hop on his lap.
Ok, wait a second, time out.
Ever since I myself was little, I have always found the concept of putting kids on strange old men’s knees to be somewhat disturbing. I suppose the theory is Santa is akin to a kindly grandfather, and the coot is so ancient he can’t hear what you are telling him unless you are really close.
But in this instance, children are running around backstage at WWE, hepped up on goofball levels of crazy, in hopes of landing on his man’s groinal region.
And this kid looks to be at least 12!
How did this ever make it on air?
Anyhoo, he explains that he heard Christmas is being nixed this year and then starts crying like a little weiner. I kinda wish the picture above was depicting Mark getting ready to pop the kid in the mouth.
Playfully, of course.
Instead, Mark explains that he is the good Santa, and not only that, he’s the world’s strongest Santa! Ain’t no way he’s gonna let Christmas be cancelled. He follows that up with a mighty HO HO HO that has me believing that not only will he save Christmas on Raw, but that he should star in a series of flicks with him saving Christmas annually from various threats. Thinking reindeer going down with scarlet fever one year, then a Bitcoin economic collapse the following.
I strongly feel ideas such as these could make WWE Films profitable.
For now, though, it’s just going to be a good old fashioned rasslin’ match, taking place from the North Pole, with the highest of stakes: should Bad Santa win, Christmas will in fact be eliminated this year. If Good Santa wins, everything remains status quo.
I hope for WWE’s sake Good Santa wins – I don’t know how they could possibly enforce that stipulation.
Prior to the battle for the holiest of days, we get a TALE OF THE TAPE. While most of this is stupid, I do have to admit I laughed at Smart Santa’s favorite present to give being “the gift of my company.” I am totally going to steal that line this year.
We get some jolly music and the obligatory Christmas tree and presents on the stage. As Michael Coles tells us we are in Texas (hey, that announcer guy said it was going to be from the North Pole!!!), Mark Henry comes out, smiling, rubbing his belly, and laughing to the heavens. As he makes his way to the ring, Justin Roberts exclaims, “Introducing First…Santa!”
Sandow comes out next, equally giddy, no doubt hoping his evil plot will come to fruition. He prematurely celebrates his victory by holding up a giant lump of cole which he deposits into the stocking. And just as Henry did, he heads down the ramp as Justin Roberts tells the crowd, “Here is his opponent…Santa!”
Yep, he called them both Santa. Not Henry “Good Santa”, or Sandow “Bad Santa.” Just both of them plain old “Santa.”
That is so idiotic that I find it oddly charming. Too bad JBL wouldn’t shut up for the two seconds it took for this joke to land.
Mark, can’t you do something about that idiot?
Ok, I’m sorry for calling him an idiot. After all, you did bring us an early Christmas present by ridding him from WWE broadcasts earlier this year. I promise to be a good boy if you make sure Vince never, EVER brings him back.
So the match officially begins, with Mark leveling Sandow thanks to a kick to the gut. He immediately heads over to the corner and unwraps our first gift of the evening…
I wonder what on earth he is going to do with it?
Can you believe there are people out there who believe pro wrestling is low brow entertainment?
The best part of this whole bit had to have been JBL gagging about how bad it smelled, as you could plainly see that the toilet was brand new and never used.
What an idiot.
I am sorry, Santa!
Bad Santa rolls out of the ring and finds a fire extinguisher. Unfortunately, he is unable to figure out how to make it work. I think this would somehow disqualify him from being the “World’s Smartest Santa” as was noted in the tale of the tape above.
As you would expect, Good Santa takes it from him and sprays him right in the mush. Thanks. Now I am having flashbacks to that Piper’s Pit where Roddy sprayed Morton Downey Jr. in the face in a similar manner. What did I do to deserve that?
To the top of the stage we go, with Bad Santa finding a candy kendo stick. He proceeds to lays waste to our finger wagging hero. Upon gaining the upper hand, he promptly destroys all the presents he can find and the Christmas tree as well.
Unfortunately, his euphoria is short-lived as Henry grabs the stick and breaks it over his knee. Bad Santa is thrown through a Christmas tree, then retreats once more to the ring, to give the fire extinguisher one last try.
And yeah, you know how that winds up.
I should note this match lasted all of three minutes, and they were already going back to the same joke twice. I mean seriously, who could possibly be so unimaginative they had to keep going back to the same material over and over, the stuff that wasn’t really funny the first time?
Oh, yeah, right.
The world’s strongest slam (“it’s called the Sleigh Ride!” sayeth Michael Cole) finishes things up. The big guy celebrates by opening gifts, including jingle bells and a box of Christmas cupcakes. He eats a couple, and if you’ve been watching wrestling for more than a week, you know what happens with the rest.
All the world rejoice – the match is over!
I mean, Christmas has been saved!
Ok, I have to admit – this match was actually kinda funny. Sandow was great as the stuck up ne’er do good, and Mark Henry was so jolly that I would pretty much kill to have him show up at my house decked out in red and throwing gifts around. I’ve seen way worse than this.
Namely, the next induction I will be posting…our annual non-wrestling Christmas movie induction! Trust me, it’s not more fun than a barrel full of monkeys.
(And yes, that’s a hint. Guess away at what it will be below in the comments area!)