Mr. America

Mr. America

Unless you’ve been living under a rock, you’ve no doubt heard that your friend and mine, Hulk Hogan, has been having some issues in his personal life. First his son Nick was in a horrible car wreck that left a young man paralyzed, with his family no doubt preparing to file a major lawsuit. Not long after that, his wife left him.

Yeah, it kinda sucks to be the Hulkster these days.

While we never like to delve into wrestlers’ personal lives here on this website, we do so today in a public service capacity. After all, we’ve not been the nicest folks to Hogan over the years, so it seems only right, at this time of the rolling year, to do right by our fellow man. And right we will do. For we, yes, we the keepers of the Crap, have the solution to all of Terry Bollea’s problems.

And it’s Mr. America.

Remember that? Remember when the Hulkster became Mr. America a few years back? Well, life wasn’t going so great for Hogan then, either. One wacky mask and three red, white, and blue boas later, though, things were never better.

And that’s why we propose a simple solution to Terry’s real life meltdown: he needs to go back under the hood.

If it worked for him in WWE, we have no doubt it would work for him out in the real world!

A bit of a refresher course, for those of you that may have slept since 2003. Hogan was fresh off a big win at WrestleMania over none other than Vincent Kennedy McMahon.

As you can imagine, McMahon was none too pleased about losing to Hogan; he was livid. So livid, in fact, that he went so far as to tell Hogan he never wanted to see him again, and was going to pay him to just sit at home.

Somehow I doubt if you, dear reader, ever pissed your boss off royally you’d get the same “punishment.” But hey, what the hell, tomorrow I want you to go in and punch your boss right in the face.

Let us know how it turns out for you.

(Disclaimer: will not be held legally responsible for any idiotic action you may take based upon our idiotic request.)

Shortly after Hogan’s forced exile, a strange series of vignettes began to air on WWE television, promoting the arrival of a guy named “Mr. America”.

Now who could that be?

Well, duh…shouldn’t the BALD eagle have been a dead giveaway?

So yes, Hogan was back, thus circumventing those would wrong him. And those evil, vile folks couldn’t do anything to him, because, well, you know…he wasn’t Hulk Hogan!

He was Mr. America!

You see, while Roddy Piper wasn’t buying this

…Mr. America was steadfast in his resolve that he was not, in fact, Hulk Hogan.

Hell, he even had a backstory of his origin!

Still, you couldn’t fault Piper for his suspicions, especially following a very familiar finger pointing…

…and subsequent beatdown.

It didn’t take long before Vinny Mac was back on the scene, telling Hogan that while this Mr. America garbage may have been fun and games to him, it wouldn’t be long before he would prove that Hogan was, in fact, Mr. America…and that would be the end of the Hulkster!

And rest assured, McMahon did everything in his power to take Mr. America down, teaming up with Piper to attack him. Little did Vince know, though, that Mr. America’s biggest fan was about to appear. For from out of the crowd appeared a pimply-faced teen who waylaid Piper with a crutch!

Piper responded to this attack as you would suspect he would…

…by beating the kid within an inch of his life. He pummelled him up and down, finally dragging him back in the ring by his foot.

But then something weird happened:

Piper wound up just holding a leg!

That’s right – Mr. America wasn’t just an old school vehicle for Hogan, it was also the springboard to unleash Zach Gowen on the world.

Ahh, Zach Gowen. Now that kid right there…he was an amazing talent. If you ever wanted to see how badly WWE could botch a sure thing (how many talk shows do you think would do features on a ONE-LEGGED wrestler…who could do MOONSAULTS?!!!), you need look no further than that young man.

And Gowen wasn’t the only guy getting a rub from this angle: Sean O’ Haire, he of the “I’m not telling you anything you don’t already know” theology, was also on the scene, under the tutelage of Roddy Piper.

So yeah, there was a LOT going on with this storyline. It was THE featured act in the promotion. Which meant, of course, it got lots of time, and lead to such timeless wrestling nuggets as…

Arm Wrestling Contests!

Lie Detectors – complete with ‘ding!‘ and ‘bzzt!‘ sound effects!

Bizarre pseudo sexual encounters!

And, in a tender moment, Zach Gowen touching his first boob!

So after all this, after nearly two months of build and new characters and overarcing storylines and countless hours spent and everything else, what happened?

Well, Mr. America unmasked himself.

Yes, really, that’s what happened. He took his mask off, showing himself to be Hulk Hogan.

And he was fired.

Amazingly enough, it was almost two years before Hogan wrestled another match for WWE.

All I can say is that should he utilize the RD Reynolds tactic for putting his life back in order (what better way to hide out from a crazy ex-wife and money hungry lawyers than going undercover?), I hope Hogan is smart enough this time to keep his hood on.

Roddy Piper: “You are not Mr. America – you are simply Hulk Hogan!”

Mr. America: “A long time ago, I was a 165-pound accountant, working in Hoboken, New Jersey!”

Lie Detector Dude: “Mr. America, are you Hulk Hogan?”
Mr. America: “No.”
Vince McMahon: “Damnit! Ask him again! It’s Hogan Hogan Hogan Hogan Hogan!”
Mr. America: “No No No No No!”

Mr. America: “Are you a twisted, sick perverted power-hungry freak?”
McMahon: “No!”
McMahon: “Wait a minute! I don’t know what you guys are doing here or what is going wrong with this test, but the one thing I can state unequivably is that I am a very well-respected businessman the world over.”
McMahon: “What I do in this business, I do for each and every one of you all over the world!”
McMahon: “Ok, that was maybe an overstatement, I do it for MOST of you all over the world.”
McMahon: “Some of you?”
McMahon: “Alright! I do what I do for me and me only!”
Tazz: “Hey, he got one right!”

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