Does that stupid calendar say January again?
I hate January!
Look, yeah, it’s my birth month and all that jazz, but really, it’s one of my least favorite months of the entire year. For starters, I love Christmas, and having to take down all the tree and tinsel and realize that I have another entire year before I see it up again is depressing. It gets worse when I realize that I basically have five months before I get a paid day off from my legit work. And then when I realize American football is nearly at season’s end?
Yeah, that stinks too.
But more than any of that, I hate January because I realize just how much garbage I devoured since Thanksgiving and the weight that I now need to lose…which means it’s time to hit the gym and come up with a new workout plan.
In the past on this here site, I’ve covered all kinds of fitness videos, ranging from atrocities like the Warrior workout where he knocked over weight benches to that horrible one Chyna did where her workout consisted solely of punching men in the gonads.
I don’t think I’ll go back and use either of those.
No, instead I think I’ll give this one that I’ve finally got my mitts on after TWENTY YEARS (!!!) of waiting! It’s Fighting Fit with none other than “Rowdy” Roddy Piper.
The tape starts off with some horrible stock music, and then Roddy flashes on the screen in full Hot Rod mode, screaming and pointing and spitting and telling us how smart we are for knowing how to operate a VCR.
“You’re already smarter than most kids!” Piper exclaims.
If that is the barometer that we’re to be gauged by, I am thinking I should be able to make Roddy quite proud of my exercising aptitude!
GET SET TO SWEAT!!!
But before we do that, let’s watch some video of Roddy taking on Hulk Hogan which appears to be from the War to Settle the Score.
I note this because I am pretty sure I’ve never seen that match in its entirety, as it was right before I started watching wrestling regularly. Looks awesome in clip form, so I am definitely going to have to check it out.
For now, though, let’s exercise!
Or not, I guess.
Instead, we get Roddy talking about his background, how he was living on the streets starting at about age 13 and how he once had to fight a guy for a piece of cardboard.
“It’s not as romantic as it sounds!” he tells us.
For the record, “homeless” and “romantic” were never two words I had ever strung together.
But he found happiness in the gym, winning the Golden Gloves at the tender age of 15. “I was fast,” he tells us, “I could turn out the lights and be in bed before the room was dark!”Sadly, he broke his hand and could no longer fight. Thankfully, according to Roddy “God takes care of fools and babies” and he became a pro wrestler.
He lost his first match to a giant 320 pound former world champion in 10 seconds. Somehow this impressed the promoter, and he wound up winning the light heavyweight championship of the world four years later.”I’m literally on top of the world!” he exclaims.
Actually, you’re on a bridge.
And you’re not even on top of that.
Whatever, let’s get fighting fit!
Nope, not yet!
Instead we get video of kids gambling.
And sitting on walls looking sad.
Cue the bagpipes…
…and the kids come running!
It’s Roddy “Pied” Piper!
They run right past him, change into some new clothes, and jump into the ring.
Ok, are we FINALLY ready to get fighting fit?
I guess we are, as Roddy goes over what we’re going to do on this video. He’s going to teach us how to warm up, exercise (“like a wrestler!”), get muscles, and defend yourself against big gnarly strangers with hair on their teeth!
“Then I’m going to make a man out of you…or a woman!”
He then smiles at the camera in a very creepy manner.
I really hope this isn’t THAT kind of video!
But hey, before we exercise (which I assume we will…at some point), here’s Dr. McGrapple giving us a medical warning.
And then some kid who I am going to pretend was a young Big E. Langston raps a bit.
And then we get more Hogan vs. Piper footage.At this point, I am convinced we will never be exercising.
But Roddy proves me wrong, and soon enough, we’re warming up, doing neck rolls and shaking our limbs.
I am guessing this is going to help out these kids.
Except for this poor little guy, who appears to be going into convulsions while Roddy yells for him to scream like a chicken.
Seriously, like clucking and stuff.
Now the one thing I will say positive about this video is that Roddy does a good job explaining what muscles each stretch or move is affecting. And the exercises are pretty good; I could totally see kids of the early 90s doing this stuff and it helping them out.
In fact, I will go so far as to say this is the best exercise video starring a wrestler I’ve seen. I was almost wondering if this video was actually induction worthy.
I mean, yeah, the moves are called goofy names like Captain Pegleg, but I don’t know I can pad an induction making jokes about that.
Even an appearance of Prof. Headlock (with his gown thrown open with wreckless abandon) seems like it’s going to make this a stretch.
But fret not fellow Crappers…Roddy is about to save our day.
He’s going to teach us SELF DEFENSE!
(Or ‘defence’ if you’d prefer…pretty sure this was a UK only video.)
Roddy warns us though – don’t be a jerk and use it to start fights, or Roddy will come to your house.
Now wait a second.
Let’s say I’m a kid watching this video, and Roddy Piper – ROWDY RODDY PIPER! – promises to come to my house if I start fights using his techniques?
I’d be the biggest bully there ever was!
So the first thing Roddy is going to teach us here is that if you want to get away from an adult, you physically can’t do it.
Pipes: “They may try to teach you that in karate or whatever, but that’s BALONEY!”
He then asks for a “sweet little girl” to help him out.
And make no mistake, this is a sweet little girl.
A sweet, soon to be completely terrified, little girl.
Roddy grabs the poor kid, and shows that there’s no way to phsyically escape from him.
He explains to us that the best way to escape is using your voice.
To demonstrate, he looks at the kid, and screams at the absolute top of his lungs:
(Yeah, he screamed it twice.)
Now don’t get me wrong, that’s good advice and all, but seriously, look at the poor little girl. It looks like he literally scared the crap out of her. I bet she had to change her pants after that.
And she looks at Piper like she’s seriously thinking of using her newly acquired wisdom, pointing at Roddy, then yelling “That’s not my dad!!!!!!” at the camera man, the mic operator, anyone within range to save her from this lunatic.
And then there’s this kid, who looks like he’s doing everything he can to stop himself from bursting into laughter.
Upon hearing these ‘rules’, I have no doubt that the sad little (and now scarred for life) girl is thinking, “This guy is for SURE going to offer me candy after this is over.”
Content with his lesson on how the kids can escape from adults, Piper next teaches us to handle the neighborhood bully. He shows this by shaking hands.
Yeah, that’s how all the bullies who ever beat the daylights out of me started out: by shaking my hand.
Again, I’ve heard stories of Roddy Piper’s neighborhood. I know it’s not the same as mine.
Having said that, I never thought the bullies would be so much more POLITE in Roddy’s suburb.
The polite bully soon becomes the sad, confused bully as Roddy teaches you how to break the arm of someone who shakes your hand too hard. Five bucks to the first of you who tries that in your next board meeting.
Roddy then shows how to keep a bully at bay by straight arming him.
“See, he can’t get to you!” Piper excalims proudly.
True…if you are like twice the guy’s size. Which was never the case when I was a kid and getting black-eyed constantly.
I also don’t know what I would have been able to pull off a side-step and trip dealy like this kid did, a kid Piper calls “Mudflap”. Despite Roddy claiming this means ‘tougher than nails’ (umm, what??), this may be the single worst nickname I’ve ever heard.
Next, though, Piper says he needs someone tougher than any of these kids, someone “tough as nails and uglier than the backside of Rin Tin Tin.”
The mind swirls at who this might be.
I mean, Piper has a TON of wrestling friends, so who is going to be doing the run in?
Call me a mark, but I was expecting more than a bootleg Undertaker bop ’em bag, which is what we get in the form of The Grave Digger. Apparently we’re going go to get more self defense techniques we can use on our local bully.I must admit, I am intrigued as to where this is going.
I also must admit, if it were anyone on planet earth other than Roddy Piper, I wouldn’t be.
Still, I doubt seriously that anyone, ever, in the history of man, ever thwarted a bully with a MONKEY FLIP.
And I somehow doubt too many bullies would stand there while you ran at them and hit them with a spinning double sledge.
And the video ends with Roddy beating up various kids using wrestling holds. I did NOT see that coming.
I’ve alluded a couple times here that I got beat up a lot by bullies when I was a kid. I somehow doubt that this video would have helped me out much.
In fact, I think I may be dead.
Regadless, the next time I see Roddy, I am for sure going to yell “THAT’S NOT MY DAD!”
Just for you kid.
Just for you.