Fake Kane

Fake Kane

I don’t know about you, but I must say that I was mighty disappointed this week on Raw when we finally uncovered what Kane was carrying around in his little burlap sack. That thing was just rife with possibilities, considering Kane’s fantastic history.

Was it Katie Vick’s class ring?

Was it a dental drill from his stint as Isaac Yankem, DDS?

Was it sunglasses from when he pretended to be Kevin Nash?

Was it the funk sock from that bit in See No Evil where he was spanking his monkey?

Sadly, it was none of those. Although, to be fair, I probably would not have been overjoyed if it was a gooey sock. In fact, I may have vomited.

No, it was a mask. But see, there was the swerve, there, kids – they made us think it was a mask, and then they delivered. But instead of it being what everyone thought it would be, that being Kane’s OWN mask, it was someone else’s, in this case Rey Mysterio.

I’ll admit – I was on board with it being Kane’s own mask. The guy could use a makeover, something to give his career a jolt. To be honest, he’s been pretty stagnant ever since they unmasked him years ago (in an angle that was so rushed that it really deserves its own induction). So it made sense that he would put the hood back on.

But he didn’t, and the only reason why I can come up with is because of this man:

And yes, that would be Festus.

Festus, the man who would be Kane.

And yes, Festus, THAT Festus we all know and love, once portrayed a bogus Kane.

The year was two-thousand-ott-six. Kane had just come off his first movie, the horrific See No Evil and was loving life (just like Michelle McCool!) in WWE as a happy-go-lucky parent murdering babyface.

But soon his world would come crumbling down around him, as his mask began appearing on the Titantron.

There was no face behind the mask…no person behind the mask…just a big giant floaty mask.

But it had Kane spooked.

I think he was spooked, at least.

As I look at the image to our left, there’s actually a myriad emotions that may be conveyed there, ranging from being spooked to thinking, “Oh crap, I mixed lights and darks in the washer again. Now my white shirts are going to be pink!”

Anyhoo, soon enough the man behind the mask would show up, and lo and behold, he looked EXACTLY like Kane.

If Kane had giant 80’s Mall Hair that is.

Seriously, check out that guy’s mane.

I guarantee you, I GUARANTEE YOU, that if Kip Winger saw that, he’d be like, “Damn…I wish I had hair like that!”

And if Kip Winger is jealous of your ‘do, you know it’s quality.

I just can’t quit looking at Fake Kane’s hair.

I think I may be obsessed with it.


So yeah, I could spend the rest of our time together today discussing Fake Kane’s mega perm, but I guess I should continue on with what happened in the ring.

And that would be that Kane and Fake Kane had exactly one match, a match that was so horrible, so mind numbingly bad that Vince McMahon himself reportedly had a complete meltdown backstage.


One of which, the fake one, was FESTUS, for crying out loud!

Did you expect Flair-Steamboat?

And didn’t you remember doing this with Kane’s “brother”, The Undertaker, and how much THAT thing sucked?

So yeah, the next night on Raw Kane beat the dog out of his phony nemesis, chokeslamming him on the steel entrance ramp…

…and leaving him for dead.

In fact, I think the poor guy may have defecated himself. The area down around his crotch looks awfully dark.

And no, I don’t know why I was looking at his naughty part area either.

But that was the end of the fake Ka…

No wait, my bad. After killing him in front of the crowd, he dragged his limp (and presumably quite stinky) carcass to beat him up some more.

So he beat on him and beat on him and beat on him, before all this exertion finally wore himself out.

He grabbed his mask, and gave the dude a heave-ho right into the street.

Finally, Kane was at ease, staring longinly into his mask.

It was just like Hamlet!

“Alas, poor Festus! I knew him, Horatio; a fellow of infinite jest…”

Can’t you just imagine the glory that would have been a Kane-Festus feud? We could have flames and wacky eyeballs and bells making people stupid and giant hair and SHAKESPEARE…

Screw Cena-Batista, if you want a money match, that’s the one right there.

Instead, we get a feud I never needed to see, Kane versus REY MYSTERIO. What matches those will be.

Unless…unless maybe Rey came back with big 80’s mall hair.

You gotta admit, he looks good as a blonde.

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