Ah yes, it’s that time again when we dig into the TSC vaults and unearth another pro wrestling appearance, this time from the beginning of the Attitude Era in early 1998! If you’re unfamiliar with it, TSC is Canada’s shopping network, accurately dubbed THE Shopping Channel. We have paid them at least one visit in the past, when Shawn Michaels appeared to hock various crap to folks in the great white north. Today, Shawn has sent his number one fluky to do the same. Buckle up and get those credit cards ready, kids!
Shawn may be absent, but don’t you worry as our old pal NORM is back. Oh man, this poor guy. If you didn’t read the induction with Shawn, all I can tell you is Norm was bullied beyond belief and quite literally thrown to the carpet in a very uncomfortable manner. He has to be thinking what on earth have I done to deserve going through THIS again, so hopefully with no HBK things will go a bit smoother. I mean, they kinda have to right?
But before we get to the stars of the show, here’s Dok Hendrix! Today Dok is channeling his inner Bobby Heenan, wearing a neckbrace courtesy of Kane. Now you may be asking, “Hey, isn’t that Michael ‘PS’ Hayes?” to which the answer is of course yes, but the WWF always has to repackage everyone, no matter how absurd that may be. Who knows, maybe we’ll get a chance to buy a cassette of Badstreet USA! (SPOILER: we won’t).
With just Dok on with Norm, it’s basically what you’d expect: shilling of the standard crap you’d see pretty much anywhere. Here you can buy an Undertaker package, which contains a shirt, a dog tag, and a key chain. Dok does his best to help the cause, noting, “it’s cheaper here than in the arena…the merch department is gonna hate me saying that!”
We also get a Stone Cold kit, the only difference being the shirt has the goofiest looking merger of Steve Austin and the Terminator imaginable. You can apparently also upgrade to a QUARTZ CLOCK, a piece of technology so amazingly impressive they can’t even be bothered to show it.
While this as as milquetoast as can be, it does start to get very interesting as they start shilling a chair from Survivor Series 97. Yes, as in Montreal screwjob Survivor Series. Dok tells us that it was the most infamous PPV in WWF history, and for once I can’t mock the guy for hyperbole. All I can say is that it’s a good thing they’re having Dok do this and not…
…Hunter Hearst Helmsley as that would have been rather awkward. And after the last time Norm had these guys on, I’m sure he’s looking to avoid that. But hey, Triple H is here to help sell crap and he’s not alone, as…
…Chyna is also along for the ride. Too bad they can’t be bothered to give the girl chyron to help identify her. She probably should have seen that as a red light going into this as it was about to get much worse.
We get a quick shill for a One Night Only video tape, and Hunter is quick to point himself out on the back cover. Norm mentions the GOODWINS are also on there, and Dok jumps on the poor guy saying, “No, it’s the GODwins.” Norm apologizes, noting that he’s never seen them. Consider yourself lucky my friend.
They then start promoting a Ground Zero tape, and Norm mentions that Bret Hart is on the card. “Whatever happened to Bret?” he asks in a manner that truly suggests he had no earthly clue. Dok gets very solemn and says, “Bret is no longer with…the World Wrestling Federation.” That split second pause had me totally expecting him to say “Bret is no longer with us” and Norm to reply, “I didn’t even know he was sick.” Missed opportunity there!
So Chyna, who is given a two-second chyron, is just standing around and finally is like, “Hey, look at this shirt!” which is just plain black with a Chyna Syndrome logo on it. Not gonna lie, I have no idea what that means. Hey Siri…what’s China Syndrome?
“China Syndrome” refers to a nuclear reactor meltdown scenario where the molten core would melt through the containment vessel, the reactor basement, and even potentially into the earth beneath the plant. While not meant to be taken literally, the term evokes the idea of the meltdown continuing “all the way to China”. The term originated from the 1979 film of the same name, which depicted a nuclear power plant near a meltdown.
And you guys hate AI. Anyway, they give that a grand total of five seconds to that before they shove her to the background so they can continue to ignore her.
Norm shills upcoming live WWF events, then hypes the next item: a Raw is War 4 piece set! He botches his lines so bad, and you can just tell he’s waiting for Hunter to throw him on the ground like Shawn did. Still, for once in our entire lives, Hunter and I have the exact same expression. He then shills more WWF shows coming up thoughout Canada, including one in Regina. Hunter doesn’t miss a beat of course and asks, “Can you say Regina on TV?” All that’s missing is a laugh track.
We get a zoom in on that QUARTZ WATCH, which legit looks like something you’d get out of a gumball machine. Chyna does her best to say it’s a nice piece of jewelry (with a straight face!), but Hunter then starts mocking the show, noting that this merch is all exclusive, available here only…until you leave the house tomorrow and buy it someplace else. Not to be outdone, Dok notes it even gives you ratings on the quarter hour. Never noticed that watch on Dave when I had dinner with him, but I’ll take your word on it!
Time to shill some more Stone Cold merch, as the host asks Hunter what he thinks of Austin. He calls him a “cueball” and says that at Mania, Shawn will show him who the real man is. Considering the urban legend is that Undertaker had to force him to go out and lose the belt, I’m not quite sure that is accurate. Hunter also notes these pins are authentic, as if you “take the safety gimmick off the back there’s a little prick.” He also decides to mock some kid in the audience, calling him “butterball” and Dok follows up with, “Don’t play if you can’t catch” and Trips continues with “from what I hear he pitches and catches.”
You know, that whole DX schtick really hasn’t aged well.
And oh my, yes they really ARE having Hunter sell chairs from the screw job! He tells us if you look closely, you can see some actual Bret Hart spit on the back of it. It’s a chair that witnessed the demise of Bret Hart, so it really will be worth something one day. He then shows how functional it is as an actual chair, by sitting on it over and over and over. Not only that, you can spread out the payment into two easy payments of just $74.98 each! I mock all this stuff, but no joke that chair is listed at $4,500 (!!!!!) on eBay right now, so I am betting all of us wish we had picked up a few of those!
They shill a calendar next (18 month calendar!!!) and Norm asks if Chyna is in there. Hunter says she is 
He also buries the Rock as “Kid n Play” while showing another page in the calendar. That was a horrible gimmick, but even back then you could tell Trips would have been glad if Dwayne was nowhere to be found. The less things change the more they stay the same, amiright?
Discussion turns to Mike Tyson being at WrestleMania, and Dok tells how they are spending $3.5 million to get him at the event in an interesting footnote. We then go to the phones and holy cow…it’s STEVE AUSTIN! He says that he’s on his way to beat the crap out of Hunter. It’s more than a bit surreal hearing Stone Cold talk about coming to the SHOPPING NETWORK. Hunter of course doesn’t back down because he’s too cool to do so.
And sure enough, Austin shows up…in the form of JASON SENSATION. Ok, that means I have to explain who this guy is as well. So he was a dude the company had show up from time to time impersonating various WWF personalities. And yeah, he does kinda sound like Austin in a Rich Little sounds like Johnny Carson level of speaking. Regardless, they start hocking more Austin 3:16 hats and shirts. We also have pool sticks coming up too! Ah yes, celebrity pool cues were all the rage in the 1990s! Do they still make those? I kinda legit want to know.
Whoa! They finally DO show us the Stone Cold clock! I wonder if that goes for a pretty penny as well these days? (Checks eBay. Finds nothing. Searches ‘completed listings’, finds one for $50. Debates if spending $50 for that piece of crap is money well spent. Decides probably not, but is very glad the temptation does not currently exist.)
Some geek from the audience then hands Dok a WWF magazine, and they spend time showing Chyna black and white photos. Hunter barely gives it any play at all, which honestly is kinda rude as they were as best I recall together at that time. And honestly, all I can think is, “Dude, in like eighteen months you’ll be cheating on Joanie with Steph and send her into a complete meltdown.” At least put the poor girl over a bit, won’t ya?
Instead, Trips jumps back to the calendar and notes that September comes with a bottle of lotion (since it’s Sable), stops to gawk at Terri (again noting her CONES), and tells us that Sunny is banging everyone. I know Tammy became a running joke for us on WrestleCrap Radio, so who am I to cast stones at glass houses, but you can tell he was just dying to bury her six feet under. More bothersome – if you watch somewhat closely, you can see Chyna grimacing at every one of these remarks. Look, I ain’t saying that Chyna was some angel or anything, but dude, read the room. It’s all kinda gross in hindsight.
We wrap up with the Undertaker showing up, but of course, it’s just more Jason Sensation. Naturally Undertaker just wants to join DX since Hunter is the greatest. I suppose it’s the ultimate irony that I ain’t buying what they’re selling here, and both Trips and the WWF (well, WWE) continue to sell that same thing to this very day.
At the end of all this, I am just thankful for Norm. While this was weird and more than a bit creepy with the Hunter-Chyna stuff, it had to have felt like a night off for him, especially considering what he had to deal with in the past!