I know I’ve mentioned this before, but I think I need to reiterate something:
I love beautiful women.
That’s a point, I believe, that some people may find hard to believe giving my rantings and ravings about women in wrestling. You see, these days, most women on WWE TV just bore me to tears. Candice Michelle? Boring. Jillian Hall? Boring. Michelle McCool? Boring. Boring Boring Boring. Heck, look at the Diva Search. WWE carts out all these beautiful, voluptous women, and every week I either a) fast forward through their segments or b) laugh at them for being so vacant and lacking in personality. It’s quite the testament that WWE can take these gorgeous females they have all over their television and make me NOT care about them.
Recently, I started to really think about this dilemna. Was it really WWE’s fault? Or did they just get a bad batch of females recently? Maybe it wasn’t, in fact, Vince McMahon’s fault, but rather the fault of the women involved. Maybe all the glossy promotion in the world wouldn’t make me care about the so-called Divas I see on Monday and Friday nights.
After all, Candice is certainly no, say, Debra McMichael. And Michelle McCool couldn’t hold Terri Runnels’ panty liner. Back then, back in the day, as they say, the women in the WWF were really talented, and for the most part, I cared about them. I WANTED to see them on my TV. And I bet that the WWF would have done a hell of a job of promoting them in a video or something.
Glad I wasn’t in Vegas. That’s a bet I would have lost.
For today in the Crap HQ videocassette recorder I discovered this, a 2001 release from ye olde WWF entitled Divas in Hedonism.
And trust me, kids, had I seen this back then, I wouldn’t have given two squirts about any of the women prancing about in Vinny Mac’s wrestling rings.
The tape is basically a documentary of a photo shoot of various WWF Divas. Featured on our program are the likes of Terri Runnels, Jacqueline, Tori, Trish Stratus, Debra, Chyna, and Lita.
Sound thrilling? You bet (it ain’t)!
The first lovely lady we get to meet is Terri Runnels.
But before we get up close and personal with her we get an introduction to (presumably because you, the fans, demanded it) the PRODUCTION CREW. They give us a thrilling disseration on what the sun is.
And I wish I was making that up. I’m not. (And here’s proof. )
What the hell have I gotten myself into?
The first lovely lady we get to meet is Terri Runnels.
Hmm, I would have sworn I already wrote that.
Anyhoo, Terri Runnels was known originally in the WWF as Marlena and she managed Goldust. Before that, she was WCW WrestleCrap inductee Alexandra York, she of the York Foundation.
Now I can’t blame you if you didn’t put 2+2 together – by the time she did this video she looked a LITTLE different than she did back then.
Oh yes, Terri Runnels became QUITE the looker. Sure, she was older than some of the other girls, but she had a rock hard body that was very impressive.
Having said that, this tape does her no favors in the personality department. Though I am sure she is a very nice woman, she comes off as a dimwit here, blathering out stuff like, “”I don’t know of any other form of entertainment where you can interact with the public like the WWF.”
I’m thinking you could do the same thing at a NUDIE BAR. Maybe more (well, if you whip out more than a George Washington from your wallet).
Terri is allergic to horses. But because she loved these crazy animals so much, she was determined to beat her ailment.
Some friendly advice for Miss Runnels: Now, I know I’m no doctor, but I’m thinking maybe if you didn’t ride the horse basically BUCK NAKED, you might stand a better chance of not having a reaction.
Just a thought.
Next up is Ms. Jacqueline, or as she was sometimes called, Miss Jackie.
And no, before you ask, this would NOT be Jackie Gayda, though I can see how you could get them confused.
Well, if you were blind and an idiot, that is.
Jackie feels that her best asset is her butt. Her butt is small and, according to Jackie, “IT LIKE AN ONION.”
Hey, don’t ask me, I didn’t say it, she did.
Not sure about any other guy, but when I go to grab me some something something, I don’t want my hands to come back reeking like Philly cheesesteak.
Jacqueline’s biggest goal (having thus accomplished the feat of having an ONION BUTT) was to be remembered as the best woman wrestler ever.
No offense to Ms. J, but I think if I asked 10 fans at a current WWE show if Jacqueline was the best woman wrestler ever, 9 of them would reply:
“Who the hell is Jacqueline?”
It shouldn’t be hard to top that personality profile, so let’s take a look at our next PYT, Tori.
And no, before you ask if I had a blur filter on my capture card, NOT Torrie Wilson.
This is a completely different Tori, who debuted as a stalker type of Sable. You know that whole thing earlier this year with Mickie James and Trish Stratus? They did the exact same bit six years ago, and this chick was in the Mickie role.
Got it? Good.
The very first thing we learn about Tori is that, well…to quote her, “I like men’s underwear.”
And sure enough, that’s one of the opening shots: Tori wearing a pair of boxer briefs.
Don’t blame me, I’m just reporting the facts.
She is afraid of water. Anyway, she went to a PAST LIFE SPECIALIST who rattled off some gobbeldy gook that even the Great Khali probably couldn’t translate.
Actually, I think that a fear of water is a sign of rabies.
Oh, and I can’t forget to mention the most important part of this profile. Apparently, her breasts are “hedonistic.”
RD is all about hedonistic breasts, even if they’re on a woman who is likes to wear men’s clothing and is perhaps part canine.
Alright! It’s the love of my life, Trish Stratus!
If anyone can save the day, it would be my most beloved. You know, I could watch her and listen to her talk all day long (even if she did steal the “Blade Hits the Bottle” music from WrestleCrap Radio).
She’s never been waterskiing. Judging by this photo, I’d suggest that’s a shoot.
That or she’s taking a dump in the middle of the Atlantic, and I don’t think Trish is that kinda girl.
In fact, I think this tape is evidence that Trish is, in fact, the smartest woman ever in WWE. The final shot of her has her standing next to the palest, gooniest woman walking the planet, thus making her looking approximately 10 trillion times hotter than anyone else on the show. Two thumbs up indeed.
Next up we get Debra. For you young uns, this would be the woman who showed up in wrestling on the arm of Steve McMichael and left with Steve Austin. You can insert your own joke right there. No need for RD Reynolds to do it for you.
Debra on Debra: “My experience on modeling swimsuits isn’t a lot. I’m more of a spokesperson type person.”
RD on Debra on Debra: “What the hell product was she ever a spokesperson type person for?”
Still, I have to give the lady major props for waxing philosophical whilst sitting in a park wearing just her bra and panties.
She always wanted to do soaps, and she feels like she has accomplished that dream since wrestling is basically a male soap opera. She claimed she worked non stop for two years to become an actress, and that it’s very hard to make things look realistic.
I should note she made this statement while a clip rolled of her “acting” with Mick Foley in front of a WASHING MACHINE.
And just in case you were falling asleep or something, we get a random clip of Debra on a TRAPEZE.
Maybe this tape ain’t so bad after all.
But then again…
…maybe it is.
Chyna: “I think people are intimidated by me, and I understand that. I am so atypical of what you see out there.”
Mark your calendar, kiddies – RD completely agrees with Chyna on that one.
Chyna is so driven to be the best at everything she does, that she sometimes annoys even herself.
Welcome to everyone else’s world, Joanie.
(Oh, and I should note that she said she hung out by odd looking plants, and started itching right after. Maybe she caught crabs from Hunter or something. She also used, and I quote, her hair for a bikini. I can’t tell you what this meant, because when she said that, I immediately covered my eyes for 3 minutes. Some people warn you not to look at a solar eclipse. I warn you not to look at a Joanie Lauer hairkini.)
Finally, we get one of the gals still with the company after all these years: Lita.
And you know, as much as I’ve always liked Amy Dumas, I have to state that close-ups are not, in fact, her friends.
Lita on the Hardy Boyz: “Matt’s the leader, I’m second in charge, and Jeff sleeps. I don’t know how he gets to the building sometimes.” That says a lot about Jeff.
This just in: Jeff Hardy re-hired by WWE.
Somethings never change.
Her tattoo was a souvenir from Amsterdam. She did it because she was spontaneous.
Speaking of being spontaneous, she actually talked about Edge checking out her panties in this video.
This six years before they got together, mind you.
Bet Matt loves going back and rewatching THIS video.
And thus our tape comes to an end.
You know, as much as I rag on the women on this tape (and actually, to be fair, I’m sure that the WWF had hours and hours of footage of them so therefore, it’s really more the fault of the company that the women look so silly (well, save for Tori and her hedonistic, dream analyzed breasts)), I want you, fellow Crappers, to keep this in mind: the shelf life of your typical WWE Diva ain’t long. This tape was released in 2001, and now, just five years later, all but two of these women are long gone from the company. Not only that, but according to our good buddy Dave Meltzer, the two still remaining (Lita and Trish) are leaving very shortly.
So enjoy your favorite Diva while you can.
Even if you have to ignore WWE to do so.
Production dude guy: “That big yellow thing is the sun. Come back in 12 hours, and the sun will be back!”
Jackie: “My best asset? I would have to say my butt. I have such a small, round butt. IT LIKE AN ONION!”
Tori: “I’ve always loved water visually. Always had a fear about being in it, it started in childhood. Always had a curiousity as to why, especially at nighttime. And I was in Japan and someone sent me to a channeler, past life regression. I was hypnotized, and I remembered being in an airplane and being underwater.” ??????????
Tori: “I think my breasts are in the way. These breasts are hedonistic, I tells ya!”
Trish (as hobo music warbles in the background): “We have the sun rising over here, and setting over here. This is what makes us so beautiful.”
Lita: “I was showing some new outfit to Edge. I had gone shopping that day. I said, ‘Let me show you these new pants to you.’ I tried them on, and I went to push them down – not like THAT, of course. He said, ‘That looks kinda cool, actually.’ And I said, ‘Yeah, but check out these pants.’ And he said, ‘Yeah, the pants are cool, but I don’t know, that underwear thing is kinda cool.’ It kinda grew on me, as I think it did with other people.”