American Male. N.W.O. Member. Monday Night Raw participant. Escort. Marcus “Buff” Bagwell has worn many hats, most of them in the hideous top hat category. A while back, rumors began to spread that for the first time ever Bagwell was going to be starring in an honest-to-goodness adult film. Well I am here to put those rumors to rest. They are absolutely not true.
Because he’s already been in one. Sort of.
Day Of The Warrior is a 1996 B-movie starring former Playboy Playmates and Penthouse Pets. And no, Maria and Torrie are not in this.
Wait, I thought this movie was called Day of the Warrior.
Yeah. It is. It turns out that DOTW is part of the “Bullets, Bombs, And Babes” series of movies by director Andy Sidaris. A missed opportunity not including the “Jumping Bomb Angels”. Somewhere, Matt Striker is giggling at that reference.
You probably remember his work from the Skinemax/Showtime After Dark era of cable television. I have a feeling that Don…Don Mason is an expert on “Red Shoe Diaries” and “Passion Cove”.
Sidaris is best known for his “T’N’A’N’G” movies. And no, that doesn’t stand for “Total Nonstop Action N Gunner”. Although he does look ready to grab a handful of honeydews. Or grapefruits.
The movie begins with Blade Braxton’s wet dream: A stripper Black Scorpion. Instead of turning people into tigers or spinning your head like a top, she just makes your pants shrink.
And lest you think this is classy cinema, we see her topless 2 minutes into the movie.
“Stiiiinng! Stiiiinng! Look at my giant knockers!”
The Legion to Ensure Total Harmony and Law (L.E.T.H.A.L.) is trying to track down a criminal mastermind named Warrior (Bagwell). That’s what happens when you put the plane into a nose dive…Hoke…Ho…gan.
Warrior’s history reads like the origin story you created when you had your G.I. Joe’s fight your wrestling figures: He’s a former Olympic gold medalist…
…and an ex-CIA agent that loves gold more than a 1849 prospector. GOLD! EEEHEEHEEHEE!
Oh, and he’s a former wrestler that clearly enjoys stealing Tatanka’s gimmick.
We even get to see Warrior in action as he murder-drives a spy into the mat. He follows this vicious act of homicide by saying, and I quote, “Delicious! Bring me another!” Makes Ryback’s chants of “Feed me more” seem downright poetic.
According to L.E.T.H.A.L.’s Amiga, a mole has compromised their security. I didn’t even know they were sick.
L.E.T.H.A.L. team assemble! We’ve got Commander Willow Black (Julie Strain) who apparently raided Sable’s dressing room so she can work out in her office.
We also get Tiger (Shae Marks), who’s special ability is not being able to zipper her dress completely. Aye carumba!
Then there’s Doc Austin, J.P., Cobra (Julie K. Smith) who’s posing as a stripper with an affinity for bad WCW gimmicks as well as Shark and Scorpion who are posing as pornstars. There’s a layer of depth not explored in Val Venis’s character. I’d hate to see where he hid his badge.
We also get Fu, an undercover agent posing as an Elvis impersonator. The racism so bad that I can actually hear Vince McMahon howl with laughter as he plans Hideo Itami’s WWE run. “Say ‘hrunk of burning rove!’ AHAHAHAHA!”
All that’s missing is Sniper, Recon, The Jackyl and the rest of the Truth Commission.
And what of the Warrior’s team? Well we’ve got Kym, who looks like she forgot half of her Bond girl swimsuit at home.
And Manuel, who’s disturbing facial hair puts Triple H’s muttonchops to shame. It’s all about beard, and how you shave it! It’s all about Norelco and good product placement!
Rounding out his team is a pair of investment bankers/hitmen who embody the 90’s more than a Super Nintendo wearing L.A. Gear sneakers and drinking Hi-C Ectocooler.
And hey, they love life just like Michelle McCool. Check out those sweet roller blades.
Ok, maybe the Warrior’s choice of clothes embody the 90’s more.
Seriously, it’s like the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air’s dresser threw up on Bagwell.
The movie bounces around from exotic locale to exotic locale with plenty of guns, explosions, and confusing spy nonsense.
We get shootouts with guns so big they have to be leftovers from Who Framed Roger Rabbit.
Shootouts with guns pointed precariously at their Slim Jims.
And shootouts with gazongas so gigantic that Jerry Lawler can only view them while in the presence of a doctor.
While trying to figure out who the mole is, Willow tells Fu to “Cool it with that rice patty crap”. Michael Hayes didn’t receive a writing credit for the movie. I checked.
And what does Fu get for suffering through all the subtlety of Mickey Rooney’s “Mr. Yunioshi” in Breakfast At Tiffany’s? An ODB boob knockout special.
Oh, did I mention that this is from the 90’s? Complete with 90210 hair and inexplicable spastic dancing that makes the Carlton dance look like The Macarena.
At this point, you might’ve have forgotten that this is a dirty movie. Don’t worry, there’s still plenty of nudity and awkward grinding.
We also get one of the greatest lines in cinematic history when Tiger says to JP, “I have to get something off my chest” before removing her top. Then they romantically rub up against each other for a few seconds. Nothing says romance like clever wordplay. Huge Hubba Bubbas help too.
Not to be outdone, we get what you’ve all be waiting for, you weirdos: A Buff Bagwell sex scene.
Well, it’s not really a sex scene. It’s just Buff staring very intently at this woman’s hindquarters.
And then flexing. Seriously, that’s the entire scene. It’s still enough to make you puke in your mouth a little.
The stress of a mole working for Warrior in L.E.T.H.A.L leads to some of the members blaming Director of Operations M. Jordan (no relation) in possibly the second greatest line of the movie, “I’m not so sure you’re not the jerkoff who fingered us”. This movie just went from “Innocent TNA” to “Blade’s ‘DO NOT TOUCH’ box in the back of his closet” really fast.
The movie climaxes with Willow and Fu facing off against the Warrior in a wrestling match. Apparently, Warrior can only wrestle when he’s greasier than Randy Orton at a cheesesteak-eating contest.
We get chops…
and male-on-female headbutts. Hmmm. That’s way dirtier sounding when it’s in a movie like this.
The mole is revealed to be Jordan’s assistant. I think he was his assistant. By this point, most of the viewing audience has already passed out from over-exertion, so it doesn’t really matter.
At the same time, the rest of the L.E.T.H.A.L team engages in the world’s slowest and most far away boat battle this side of “End Game”.
They literally blow up our favorite investment bankers/hitmen, who somehow survive. Probably from all that McCool-approved life loving.
And it’s not like other people in the movie don’t die. Just look at this guy who was shot…or possibly has indigestion from too many Mango Habanero(TM) wings from Buffalo Wild Wings. Should’ve went with Parmesan Garlic, bro.
The two-on-one death match continues with Willow doing her best Chyna impression. With clothes on, of course.
The mole is captured and thanks to an “international” object, Chy-I mean Willow and Fu are able to defeat Warrior.
Hey, wait a minute. Warrior fell on top of Willow. He actually won! Get Dusty out here and restart the match!
With our titular heroes victorious, the group celebrates a job well-done with one more dash of racism that would make Mr. Fuji weep. Oh Fu!
What a bunch of boobs.