Ah, fatherhood. Words cannot describe the anticipation I feel on a daily basis as I await the arrival of my son into this world.
I can’t wait to see him.
To hold him.
To teach him carny wrestling language.
In fact, there’s just one thing I am not looking forward to: changing his diapers.
You might think this has to do with the fact that poop smells like…well, poop, but that’s not the reason. No, the reason is that when I reach down and swap out Junior’s Pampers, I will be reminded of this horrific match that polluted an early In Your House from 1996.
The bout was to settle a long-running score between the 1-2-3 Kid (Sean Waltman, aka X-Pac) and Razor Ramon (Scott Hall in arguably his greatest role). The two had been tied together more or less since Kid’s arrival in the WWF, in a bout in which he shocked the world by pinning the Bad Guy’s shoulders to the mat for a 1-2-3, thus earning him his name. And thank God he won that way, as the Disqualification Kid just didn’t have the same ring.
Anyway, the pair were buddies for a while, then foes as Kid joined up with Ted DiBiase’s Million Dollar Corporation. He began to taunt Ramon by calling him a crybaby, going so far as to wheel a stroller down to ringside.
All of this led to the inevitable: a bout in which the loser would be powdered and put in a diaper.
The match itself was alright. Nothing spectactular, as it seemed that both men were just going through the motions. I reckon by this point Hall had already decided he was getting out of the company, and Waltman, no doubt thrilled at the thought of being dressed up like a baby, had little incentive to turn it up a notch or two.
The bout ended as any Crybaby encounter should – with the vile heel getting a face full of baby powder.
What followed, though, was most disturbing, as Razor spread Kid’s legs, seemingly preparing him for anal penetration.
Sure, call me a sicko, but you listen to Vince McMahon and tell me you’re thinking any differently…
…especially after Ramon sprayed white stuff in his face.
Oh wait, that’s just more baby powder, my bad. The tape I have of the event isn’t the best, so you will have to forgive me.
Kid finally woke up as Teddy explained what happened…
…which caused the Kid to, yep, you guessed it, start crying like a little baby.
He threw a short tantrum, then screamed a heartfelt message to viewers at home.
Ah yes, words to live by.
It wasn’t long after this that Hall did, in fact, give notice to the WWF and headed for the greener pastures of WCW, with Waltman following not long afterwards. The two would become involved in the hottest angle in wrestling, the New World Order, then act like real life crybabies behind the scenes when things didn’t go their way.
Ironic, no?
And now, as a special bonus, I give you a review of our very first baby gift (from Blade Braxton, no less)…
As you might surmise from the title, this would be a toilet training video, although one that neither I nor any of you should ever allow your children to view. You think I’m kidding, but trust me, I’d just as soon have my kid crapping on the floor at age 12 than ever allow him to watch this.
The video opens with the man to our left prancing about in a manner that would be unsettling in any situation. That he’s in a video for children makes it quite possibly the most unnerving visual imaginable.
His name is Mr. Penders. Mrs. Deal (who watched this atrocity with me) speculated that he was named as such because he wore susPENDERS. I’ll go along with that, although, to be honest, I’d have dubbed this freak “Mr. Beret Wearing Weirdo.”
I should also mention he is like 6″ in the film, and prances about in bathrooms with children learning to defecate.
Ok, so maybe “Mr. Creepy Miniature Beret Wearing Weirdo” would have been more appropriate.
It turns out today is Bobby’s birthday. We know this because we get a song about it. Thanks to the song, we learn the following:
a) Bobby is four years old
b) he is learning more and more
c) he can throw a ball in the air
d) he helped bake his birthday cake
Mrs. Deal: “So a FOUR YEAR OLD doesn’t know how to use the toilet, but DOES know how to make a cake?”
RD: “I just hope that’s chocolate icing on his fingers!”
It turns out that Bobby does, in fact, know how to use the crapper; it’s his younger sister who doesn’t.
Now take a look at the image to the left. That poor kid is really straining to get it out. The mom, in an effort to be annoying helpful, decides to sing a song about crapping.
You think I’m kidding, but rest assured, I am not.
Next up we meet little Lizzie, who is going to Bobby’s party. She knows how to go to the potty, but this doesn’t stop us from getting a song about it anyway.
I don’t know about you, but I will never hear “On Top Of Old Smokey” the same way again.
We also learn that if you can’t go, you should just grab a book and read for a while.
Mrs. Deal: “Did you watch this video as a child?”
RD: “Considering it was made 20 years after I was born, umm, no.”
Mrs. Deal: “Well, it would have explained a lot.”
So anyway, Lizzie drops a log in the old Bemis, which makes her father, who appears to be an adult version of Steven Urkel, very happy.
We then get a primer on how to wipe, complete with song (thus forever destroying “Row, Row, Row Your Boat”) and demonstration on a teddy bear.
Remember, kids – always FRONT TO BACK. If there’s but one thing you take away from WrestleCrap tonight, let it be FRONT TO BACK.
About this time Mrs. Deal muttered, “This sucks, but at least there aren’t any clowns.”
BZZZT!
As if on cue, the scariest clown alive pops his head out of a blanket at the birthday shindig. If the object of this video was to literally scare the shit of kids, score one up for the producers.
The crowd of kids watching this bozo were seemingly just as bothered, as they all start raising their hands, proclaiming that they have to, you guessed it, USE THE CAN.
I’m thinking it’s just an excuse to get away from his horrible “comedy” exhibition, but unfortunately, there’s no such luck for the kiddies. Instead, the clown seems disturbingly overjoyed by the news, and says he’ll show them the way to the bathroom.
RD: “Look, he’s the Pied Pooper!”
Soon enough, the day is over and Bobby is back in his bed, obviously all pooped out.
And I mean that literally – the poor kid took like 27 craps during the course of the day.
So Bobby fades off to sleep, with visions of clowns and faeces haunting his dreams.
Potty time indeed.
Vince McMahon: “Looks like he’s done this before, wouldn’t you say, King? Huh?”
1-2-3 Kid (screaming): “GAAAAAHAAHAMAAFAAAAA!”
Woman sings: “I use my potty, when I have to poop/I use my potty, when I have to poop/I use my potty, when I have to poop/now I am learning how!”
Woman sings: “On top of your potty/you’re waiting to poop/life is much better/when your diapers don’t droop”
Woman sings: “Wipe wipe wipe yourself/always front to back/carefully, carefully/now you’ve got the knack”