Can You Take the Heat? – The WWF Is Cooking!

Can You Take The Heat

Although I’ve done it in countless interviews, I would like to take this opportunity to publicly thank Mick Foley for opening the door for wannabe wrestling authors such as myself. You see, prior to Foley’s groundbreaking autobiography, Have a Nice Day, publishers believed that wrestling fans could not read. Trying to get a deal for a wrestling book was next to impossible, because publishers simply would not take the chance on a market that they did not believe existed. Once Foley’s life story started flying off store shelves, however, a whole new world opened up, one that allowed some hack with a website with the word “Crap” in the title to actually garner not just one, but two book deals. And for that, I am eternally in gratitude to Mr. Foley.

Of course, with the success shown to be available,I wasn’t the only one to jump on the bandwagon. Indeed, the WWF was tripping over themselvesto find new titles to throw at the crowd. While Foley’s second work, Foley is Good, was still a long ways off, the promotion scrambled to find some way to feed its public.

And it did so in the most literal sense: by creating a WWF Cookbook.

The author? Well, according to the spine of the book, it’s Jim “J.R.” Ross and the WWF Superstars. Retailing at a whopping $26.00 (!!), this legendary tome contains recipes allegedly by the Superstars themselves. But it’s not like “Rock’s Chocolate Chip Cookies”, oh no. Each recipe has some wacky name, ranging in wackiness from “oh, that’s cute” to “that’s the dumbest f***ing thing I’ve ever heard in my life.”

Let’s dig right in!

The book starts off with appetizers and salads. There’s Mick Foley’s Knuckle Sandwiches (not made with real knuckles) and Sgt. Slaughter’s Mess Hall Dip (tip from the Sarge: spell out ‘Mess Hall Dip’ in black olives – it’s fun!). Bull Buchanan (remember him?) warms up some Beefy Barley Soup, Gangrel joins us with Deviled Eggs, and Chyna spreads her legs and gives us her guacamole. If the thought of guacamole didn’t turn your stomach before, well, seeing it coming out of Joanie’s snatch will surely turn you against it.

As if all that weren’t enough, Lita serves up her Crevice. What’s that? Oh, my bad – that’s Ceviche, not Crevice. Considering that two pages later we get Edge’s Party Balls, well, I’m sure you can see where I’d make the mistake.

All right, enough of the starters. Your entrees at Chez WWF will include: Grilled Steak Benoit; Dean Malenko Stroganoff; Kaientai Stir Fri; Jacqueline’s Luscious Stuffed Green Peppers. If none of that grabs your fancy, you might want to try Big Bossman’s Pepper Steak. Remember that horrible angle where Bosser kidnapped Al Snow’s chihuahua, Pepper and then cooked him and fed it to him? Well, here’s the recipe! And here I thought Rikishi’s Rump Roast was tasteless. Maybe it’s just me, but when I look at Rikishi’s ass, I’m encouraged to STOP eating, not start.

Nor do I rush to the table when I see a recipe for Hardcore Holly’s Big Beefy Balls. In fact, this book has a thing for recipes with balls, as not only did we get Edge’s Balls and Hardcore Holly’s Balls, but we also get Pat Patterson’s Big Cabbage Balls. There’s also a recipe for Mr. McMahon’s Big Boiled Grapefruits. Note for future cookbook authors: unless you’re catering to the gay male/skank whore audience, don’t populate your book with recipes that bring to mind men’s gonads.

For those desiring lighter fare, the book has something for you too. Not much, but something. Ivory chimes in with a One Pan Fish Dinner, while Michael Hayes gives us P.S. Potato Skins. Not real sure how potato skins loaded with bacon, cheese, and sour cream is good for you, but according to the book, “if it’s a potato, it can’t be bad!” Whatever you say, cookbook!

Sides are next. Fans will be elated to know that it isn’t just big stars like the Headbangers (?) and Brother Love (?????) that get recipes in the book, oh no. This thing features everyone even remotely associated with the promotion at the time. For instance, Hillbilly Jim teaches us how to learn, love, and make collard greens. Ever wondered what Tony Garea has with his chicken? Me neither, but you’ll find out on page 142 (SPOILER: it’s Vegetables and Wine over Rice).

But my favorite has to be Test’s Tostados. J.R. explains: “If you are craving good Mexican food and don’t feel like going out, this recipe really delivers. I can just see Test, a smooth operator, whipping this one up for one of his lady friends.”

There you go, guys, the secret to landing a hot chick like Stacy Keibler – whip up some TOSTADAS.

We wrap up with desserts and beverages, featuring such delectable delights as Doodles Are Jericho and Godfather’s Makin’ Chocolate Pie is Easy. I’ll say. See, what you do is make some pudding, then pour it into a premade graham cracker crust. I guess the WWF felt they had to dumb down the recipes for their target audience. But Godfather Pie is rocket science compared to Big Bossman’s Cookies. For those of you on the fence about buying this book (come on – it’s only $5.99 at High Spots!), I think I’ll just give you the recipe verbatim:

1 or 2 packages of ready-made cookie dough

1. Cut the dough into slices
2. Place the slices on a cookie sheet sprayed with nonstick cooking spray.
3. Follow the directions on the package for times and oven heat.
4. Enjoy.

When we come back, Ray Traylor kicks it up another notch.


Discuss This Crap!