As I write this, Will Ospreay has just won the AEW World Title at Wembley Stadium. It was a fun event, and it very heavily focused on the local British culture in a truly celebratory manner. It seemed a far cry from the days of wrestling past, which hailed England in skits such as the one we are inducting today, wherein Lord Alfred Hayes had a tea party for the British Bulldogs.
This would have taken place on the legend(arily bad) TNT Show, known at times as Tuesday Night Titans. It truly served as a showcase of the bizarre, allowing WWF head honcho Vince McMahon to wheel out skits that wouldn’t fit on a traditional wrestling show. Here Vince introduces us to the festivities, and, as Greensleeves warbles in the background, explains that according to Lord Alfred Hayes, this will be the most exciting segment in the history of TNT. I somehow doubt that seeing as this show once featured the legendary Fuji Bandido, Fuji General, and Fuji Vice. And who could forget Tito Santana explaining the concept of a TACO to a bewildered McMahon? Anyway, if you look closely even halfway glance at the screen you can just see Dynamite Kid rolling his eyes. Better be careful with that tea, your Lordship – ol’ Tommy Billington ain’t afraid of pulling off some pretty nasty ribs.
Alfred introduces us to Stuart Grainger, who while not a butler, is a gentleman’s gentleman and will be assisting in serving high tea to the group. Of course the Bulldogs would know all about this type of service (they’re British you know!), but others in the party may not. I mean, there’s an outside change Vince might, but…
…I somehow doubt poor Moondog Spot would have a clue.
Thankfully, Stuart is there to explain everything to us (while sneaking in a barb about how Americans don’t drink their coffee boiling hot the way God intended!). I should also note that despite Alfred very clearly stating 15 seconds earlier that Stuart is not a butler, the chyron tells us that he in fact THE BUTLER.
I mean seriously, I do too.
So Stuart rambles on and on and on and on about tea to the point that Dynamite is literally yawning. No idea why Davey looks constipated, but hopefully some nuclear hot tea will help clear his bowels.
Before we can partake in such delightful beverages, Stuart and Alfred regale us with descriptions of the pastries that will also be on offer. And it’s a good thing that they are talking them up, as they look like the most disgusting assortment of ‘treats’ imaginable. Nothing against English food, but that stuff looks like it was pulled out of a trash can.
Alfred asks Vince what he thinks about all this, and he mumbles something going to break. Spotty ain’t down with that however, and decides he’s waited long enough for his vittles and heads up to woof down some crumpets. Alfred is completely appalled at the Moondog’s manners and promptly slaps him upside the wrist. If this leads to a dog collar match pitting Al vs. Spotty, it will all be worth it.
Finally, it’s time to eat, as everyone digs in to enjoy the pastries. I mean, except for Spotty, who decides to just gnaw on his bone. As disgusting as that stuff looks, pretty sure the Moondog is the smartest of the group here.
And just as soon as I say that, Spotty decides he at least wants to try a custard tarts and sneaks up to the table which freaks everyone out. Heck even Mr. Fuji is aghast, so much so that he breaks a saucer of fine China over the poor dog’s head!
No doubt needing to wash down those nasty biscuits, Spotty grabs a cup of tea and proceeds to…well…bathe himself with it.
Having cracked that plate over the dog’s head, Fuji realizes something: this China isn’t fine Japanese China, it’s some cheap bootleg crap. And the tea isn’t good Japanese tea, it’s horrible ENGLISH tea. It took you this long to figure that out, Fooj?
He then allows Spotty to wreck havoc on the table, smashing tea cups and biscuits all over the place with his trusty bone. The Bulldogs are so offended at this lack of respect for their culture they…well, they kinda move slightly in their chair. And that was the whole segment. As much as I love crappy old wrestling bits, at the end of the day I think I prefer this way of honoring the UK and its people.
Eh, that or I’m just a huge Ospreay mark and was looking for someone to shoehorn that incredible entrance onto my site! 🙂