Bikini Blast Off ’96

Bikini Blast Off

The WWF would have you believe that WrestleMania X7’s gimmick battle royal was the greatest collection of horrible gimmicks the Federation has ever assembled. As is often the case with Vinnie Mac’s hyperbole, this simply isn’t the case. There was once an event that had a greater collection of stupid characters, idiotic comedy, and sheer, unadulterated stupidity – and it wasn’t even designed to be bad!

If you don’t believe me, I urge you … nay, I DEMAND you rush out and find a copy of SummerSlam 96. Besides the awesome main event of Shawn Michaels vs. Vader (in which Shawn loses it mid-match because Vader is out of position for an elbow drop), you will see truly how diverse the WWF can be, as their preview show (or “Free For All” in WWF terms) proves the old adage “for every action there is an opposite reaction”.

And thus we begin.

With the event being SummerSlam, the WWF decided to throw a pool party. So they put up a pool and threw down some sand…indoors.

Yes, this fun was not in the sun, although everyone – the wrestlers, the announcers, passersby, acted like they were on the sands of Waikiki.

Hell, Todd Pettengill even wore CLAMDIGGERS for the occasion!

Things start off very nicely, as the WWF divas at the time, Sunny (Tammy Sytch), Sable (Rena Mero) and Marlena (Terri Runnels) were prancing around in itsy bitsy teeny weeny bikinis.

It didn’t take long, however, before things deteriorated and Marlena is rubbing tanning lotion on Goldust’s beefy backside.

After making sure his booteus maximus was adaquetly protected from the harmful ultraviolet rays of the overhead flourescents, Goldie cavorted about in a g-string and parasol.

Meanwhile, Marc Mero proved he wasn’t the sharpest knife in the drawer by using some aluminum foil to improve his tan.

Who was present wearing some shades over his hood…

…while Aldo Montoya played catch with the Smokin’ Gunns.

All the WWF was missing was Frankie Avalon!

Anyway, Jerry Lawler was floating about in the pool, having a grand old time…

…until Todd pointed out something brown and presumably very stinky floating at the bottom of the pool!

Who ya gonna call?

Why, the wrestling plumber, of course! TL Hopper made his way to the middle of the pool, then submerged to retrieve the object in question.

TL took a whiff…

…and then proceeded to take a big chomp out of it!


Don’t you know that you’re not supposed to go in the water for at least 30 minutes after eating poop?

This was, of course, a horribly unfunny take off on the old movie Caddyshack, as the brown bar turned out to be a Baby Ruth.

From a red hot vixen to a guy eating a turd.


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