Tuesday Night Titans

The TNT Show

It has long been Vince McMahon’s dream that his company be more than just a pro wrestling promotion. Indeed, he fashions his employees as “superstars”, and gives them ample time to flex their acting muscles, which usually aren’t anywhere near as developed as their physical ones.

Despite these limitations, Vince decided shortly after his national expansion in the mid 1980’s that a wrestling…err, sports entertainment … talk show was in order. And thus, he unveiled Tuesday Night Titans – The TNT Show, which aired on the USA Network on, you guessed it, Tuesday Nights.

Think of it as a wrestling variety show. On any given week a viewer might see Andre the Giant singing the Fish Song, or get fashion tips from “Adorable” Adrian Adonis.

During one episode that aired during the holidays, “Rowdy” Roddy Piper even did a re-enactment of Charles Dickens’ “A Christmas Carol”.

Lou Albano blabbed about in a demonstration on how to bake cookies, which ended with Lord Alfred Hayes getting splattered in dough.

Jimmy Jack and Hoss Funk did Albano one better, not only dumping BBQ sauce on His Lordship, but hanging him from the world’s shortest tree.

Hmmm…Alfred Hayes being tortured. Maybe this wasn’t such a bad show after all.

Come to think of it, the show did feature highly entertaining weekly updates on the acting careers of “Magnificent” Don Muraco and his flunky Mr. Fuji, who starred in such epics as “Fuji Bandido” in which Fabulous Moolah portrayed a can can girl who took a bullet to the head…

…as well as the soap opera-ish “Fuji General”…

…and the very 80’s Fuji Vice, in which Muraco did his best Don Johnson impersonation (complete with monotone delivery of his lines).

Fuji was, of course, his trusty sidekick who was never at a loss for ancient Oriental sayings.

And remember that segment on Raw a few years back where Mick Foley performed “This is your Life, Rock”? Get this – that wasn’t even the first time that bit had been done on a wrestling show.

No, Vince “I’ve Got a Pompadour that Makes Wayne Ferris Jealous” McMahon hosted a version of the show featuring everyone’s favorite Rooskie, Nikolai Volkoff.

Volkoff’s “sister” brought out his baby picture…

…and told sad stories of their visit to Gorky Park when all the rides were broken.

Yep. As funny as it sounds.

Hosting makeshift versions of gameshows was actually a staple of the program, as TNT spoofed the Dating Game with a derivative called “The Mating Game”.

The Hart Foundation mugged for the camera and answered questions from the bachelorette like this.

No no – just kidding. It was more questions like this.

Hey, if it works for Jimmy Hart, it just might work for you!

As hilarious as all this sounds, the fun was short lived, as either Vince or USA pulled the plug on the show after just a season or two. WWE has yet to return to the bogus talk show format.

Unless, of course, you count Confidential.

Capt. Lou Albano (speaking a primitve dialect of Mongonese): “Now when you do that, don’t mix your flour with your sugar, because you’ll get a cleptic review and it’ll congilate, you gotta put it separate.”

Muraco (monotone – read like one long run on sentence; go ahead, try it): “Anglica lieutenant was way out of line my partner and I are gonna get the guy who offed your brother don’t worry about a thing you’re in good hands now come on we’ll get you home.”

Mr. Fuji: “Bad alibi like smell of old lunch – cannot stand the test of time!”

Bachelorette: “Bachelor Number Two…if I were a promoter and you were my wrestler, would you be excited or upset if I said I was going to screw you?”

Bachelorette: “Bachelor Number One – what is your idea of foreplay that can’t fail?”

Jimmy Hart: “Well, first of all, man, this never fails. I like to take you over to my apartment and turn the lights way down low. Then I’d take out some baby oil, oil up my megaphone and stick it right in your ear and sing the most beautiful love songs you ever heard in your life. That always works for me, man.”

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