Big Show vs. Akebono Sumo Match

Big Show Vs. Akebono

Maybe it’s just me, but I thought this past weekend’s showdown between the Big Show and Floyd “Money” Mayweather was just about perfect. Sure, you could argue from a smarkish point of view that WWE allowing one of their biggest (literally and figuratively) stars to be KO’d by a welterweight boxer, but come on – that was a pure spectacle, and a highly entertaining one at that. After all, who didn’t want to see that little punk get pummelled? And who wouldn’t pay to see Show try to do it again?

You know what that is? That’s Floyd Mayweather living up to his nickname: Money.

And while it may sound strange (as I nearly saw my life end at the bowling ball sized hands of the guy), I was happy to see Show do so well, to perform so well in such a high profile position. After all, the poor guy has been involved in horrible angle after horrible angle since pretty much the beginning of his career. Remember when he was Andre’s son? Or when he was thrown off the roof of Cobo Hall? Or when he had the poops? Or when the Bossman stole his dad’s casket? Yeah, that guy’s been through the ringer.

Heck, he’s even been a laughing stock at WrestleMania itself. Consider this: in his WrestleMania career, he has never won a singles encounter. Heck, he’s only ONCE been involved on a winning team (a tag win with Kane at Mania 22). And now, with the Mayweather loss, he can add to the fact that he’s lost to a man 300 pounds lighter than him.

At least at Mania 21, he lost to a guy heavier than him.

Yes, yes, kiddies – Big Show actually once fought a guy BIGGER than him, at WrestleMania no less. And I bet you don’t even remember it.

And if you do remember it, I bet you wish you didn’t.

Big Show’s opponent for this encounter was Akebono, a mammoth mountain of a man whose greatest claim to fame was being the first ever foreigner (he hailed from Hawaii) to achieve the rank of Yokozuna (the highest rank in sumo, not the former WWF champion).

Now don’t ask me why, exactly, WWE thought that bringing in a legit sumo master to face their giant was a good idea. Especially when 99.9999% of all WWE fans had never even heard of the guy.

Regardless, the match was on and soon enough Show was outfitted with a robe of his own.

As a special treat to the fans that paid $500+ for ringside seats, he stopped on his way to the ring, lifted it up, and showed off his gams.

You know, I just can’t get over the robe he’s wearing. Seriously, take a minute and gander at that thing. Doesn’t it look like something that Anna Pearl ‘Mama’ Jensen Klump would wear?

And apparently Akebono had the same fetish with “Eddie Murphy in fat drag queen getups” movies.

Maybe the Japanese find that intimidating. I don’t know.

Soon enough off the robes come and…

…oh dear Lord, that I did not need to see.

And I never, ever in one hundred billion gazillion years needed to see…


Seriously, I need to know: who was in on the brainstorming session that contained the idea, “You know what would do big business? BIG SHOW IN A THONG!”

So the bout starts with the ceremonial stomping of the feet, looking for all the world like two T-Rexes going into battle.

As I look at these shots, and see Show in this squating position, all I can say is man am I glad they didn’t combine this with the Eddy angle.

That would have been bad stuff.

Anyway, after some stalling they run into each other. Well, “run” being a figure of speech, as the two more plowed into each other with all the speed of tectonic plates.

After a stalemate, Show backs up and gives the signal for the chokeslam. I’m not quite sure, but I am willing to bet that is probably not a legal sumo move.

And if it is, I really need to start watching more sumo.

Moments after Big Show’s terrifying roar, Akebono casually catches Show in an exchange and tosses him from the ring.

Poor Big Show – he looks like the world’s biggest baby.

Well, the world’s biggest black thong wearing baby, that is.

Still, Show was man enough to admit his defeat and raised his opponents hand.

And I have little doubt the two hit the town and celebrate as two giant fat men would want to do…

…heading to a buffet, and no doubt simply pulling up a chair in the process.

And that was pretty much that. Akebono was never again seen on WWE TV, which is a shame. After all, since he beat the Big Show, and Mayweather beat him as well, I think there’s only one surefire, money main event for next year’s card:

Eh, one day I will learn to stop giving WWE ideas.

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