Backstage Assault

Backstage Assault

“If you’re a hardcore WCW fan, then this isn’t the game for you. It fails to impress in nearly every way, and certainly doesn’t deliver a presentation worthy of the WCW license”

“WCW Backstage Assault is an assault on the good sense of the game-buying market.”

“The latest installment in EA’s fledgling wrestling series is here and it… well, it sucks. There’s really no getting around it.”

Give me a folding chair and a moment alone with the evil bastard who caused me to have to play this.”

That, friends, is a random sample of reviews of the WCW game Backstage Assault. And while those views may be just a little too harsh, there is no denying that the game is a pathetic waste of plastic.

Even the premise behind the game is idiotic – it’s a wrestling game without the ring. That’s right, this is the first wrestling game that features NO RING WHATSOEVER.

Whoever came up with that idea should be strapped in a chair and forced to watch “WCW 2000: How to Lose $80 Million in Just Twelve Months!”.

You know you’re in trouble when you boot up the game and one of the highlights shown is the Junkyard Invitational.

Here’s a little hint for would be videogame designers: if you’re going to show a video at the beginning of a wrestling game, you might want to feature GOOD matches.

And you may want to create graphics that are at least decent enough so you can tell who the characters are supposed to be (that’s Lash Laroux to the right, in case you couldn’t tell).

The graphics are really terrible, as all the grapplers appear angular, with pointy chests and disfigured bodies.

With no ring, would be WCW brawlers step into various backstage areas that are made up of equally pitiful graphics. There’s a loading dock, a bathroom, a locker room, and a broadcast room.

Here’s another tip to EA and Kodiak (the developers of the game): don’t force users to stare at Eric Bischoff during one of the game’s way too lengthy loading screens.

So you go backstage and hit each other with trash cans. Of course, the collision detection is so shoddy that just locking up with your opponent is a chore in and of itself.

Sometimes, though, if the moon and stars align just right, you can catch your opponent on fire and hear Tony Schiavone yell inane things such as this.

Over half the game is locked away at the beginning, which is a real shame, as you won’t want to stick around to unlock stuff.

And if you want to start out with Lance Storm, Rey Mysterio, Scott Hall, or one of the other popular guys in WCW, you’re out of luck. However, you CAN play as Doug Dellinger from the get go.

Yes, WCW Head of Security Doug Dellinger.

All in all, it’s about as fun as a shot to the nads (which is accompanied in game by various cartoonish sound effects).

There’s no tag team matches, no four player support, and basically, no fun.

As the losing screen says, “SORRY!” (which is, ironically enough, a far superior game to this pile of crap).

The first WCW games released on the N64 (WCW-nWo World Tour and WCW-nWo Revenge), during WCW’s hot period, were great games – far superior to the later ones.

And now, with the company struggling for its very existence, we get games like this.

What was that line about life imitating art?

Tony Schiavone (in his “This is the Greatest Nitro in the History of Our Sport” Hyperbole mode): “Oh my goodness! BURNING SPANDEX!!!”

Various slide whistle and kookoo clock sounds.

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