Special Note from RD: This is yet another trek down memory lane, as I take a look at one of the worst holiday movies ever made. This has nothing to do with wrestling, but in the spirit of the season, I thought it might be fun to cover. If you just want wrestling, hit the back arrow now. If you want crap, however, continue on!
At least once a week, I get an email from a loyal crapper asking me how I ever managed to watch so much horrible wrestling. How on earth could one man sit through not only sit through disasters like the Gobbeldy Gooker and the Shockmaster, but go back and watch them over and over, research them, and catalog them for future generations?
The answer is simple. I’ve seen worse. MUCH worse. I’ve seen TV shows that would make you long for the the relative genius of angles like the Black Scorpion. I’ve listened to songs that make the WrestleRock Rumble sound like a lost Beatles tune. And I’ve watched movies that make Body Slam look like an Academy Award winner.
Movies like Babes in Toyland.
If you see this thing sitting on the shelf at your local Hollywood Video, you could almost be forgiven for mistaking it as something worthwhile. The list of folks in the film is actually pretty damn impressive: Drew Barrymore, Keanu Reeves, Richard Mulligan…hell, even Pat “Mr. Miagi” Morita puts in a special appearance! Surely with a cast like this, things couldn’t be too bad, right?
Before you get too excited, I should probably note that this was three years before Keanu even got stuck in the Iron Maiden (“EXCELLENT!”)…and that this was during Barrymore’s post-ET, pre-Poison Ivy drunken and drug-riddled growth spurt. Oh boy…
The flick starts off on Christmas Eve, introducing us to Lisa Piper, portrayed by 12 year old Drew Barrymore. Much like Drew herself, Lisa’s a little girl who’s growing up too fast, never allowing herself to be a kid.
With warnings of a blizzard approaching her home, Lisa runs through the night to the local toy store where her older sister Mary works. The store, creatively named “TOYS”, is jam packed with last minute shoppers hoping to nab hot holiday gifts like…
PLASTICS!
And what a bargain at just $5!
After all, who wants a stupid old Cabbage Patch doll when you can buy the raw consumables and smelt one of your own?
Mary’s boyfriend Jack (Keanu) also works at the store and offers to give everyone a ride home in his totally bitchin’ jeep, dudes.
Different folks have different ways of confronting adversity like a snowstorm. For example, it appears that Li’l Lisa took a few swigs of Southern Comfort…
…while Jack decides instead to SING!
Oh dear Lord, NO. Not the dreaded CINCINNATI SONG!
Let me tell you, I own the Randy Savage CD, and I’ve heard clips of Chynna Doll’s musical tour de farce.
They all pale in comparison to this inane, annoying, ear splitting, mind numbing fiasco of a tune. And the worst part is after the very first time you hear it, you NEVER forget it. It haunts you day and night until you just want to grab the nearest ballpoint and puncture your ear drums.
Despite singing the worst song in the history of man, Jack rams his ride right into a tree, and Lisa gets KO’ed. She soon finds herself on a sled, flying through the sky, and looking totally and completely STONED OUT OF HER MIND.
Lisa in the Sky with Diamonds, indeed.
Lisa plummets headfirst into Toyland, which in reality appears to be a rundown amusement park of some sort.
According to the writers of the film, however, it’s the mystical home of fairy tale creatures such as Mother Goose, the Three Little Pigs, Wee Willie Winkie, and, of course, Paul Revere.
Yes, PAUL REVERE.
Don’t ask…there’s way too much crap still to cover for me to try to explain that one.
Lisa is quickly befriended by Georgie Porgie, who is the head foreman at Toyland Cookie Co. He walks around and offers people cookies that he keeps beneath his hat. Oatmeal Dandruff, anyone?
Amazingly, that wouldn’t be the most disgusting aspect of Georgie. No, that would be the ever present CAMEL TOE he sports.
Georgie gives Lisa a walking tour of Toyland, stopping to point out a giant bowling ball atop a hill, which is home to the film’s villain, Barnaby Barnacle. “When he gets mad,” Georgie explains, “he just rolls his house down the hill and knocks people over!”
But today is a happy day for the evil Barnaby, as he is marrying Mary Contrary (who was actually Lisa’s sister Mary earlier in the film).
You’d think that even a heel like Barnaby deserves better than Mary…if she is truly quite contrary, she’d just be arguing with the poor guy all the time.
Barnaby: “Would you like pizza for dinner?”
Mary Contrary: “NO!”
Barnaby: “How about clam chowder?”
Mary Contrary: “NO!”
Barnaby: “Maybe an RC and a Moon Pie?”
Mary Contrary: “NO!”
Damn, that gets old just typing it.
Anyhoo, the wedding is interrupted by Lisa, who gets all up in Barnaby’s face with such ferocity that you’d think he was cutting off her dope shipments.
Barnaby then threatens terrible agony and intense pain for “Lisa Cinciwhatski.”
What…is he going to make her watch this film?
With the wedding averted, Mary is free to run off with her true love, Jack Nimble Jr, played by Keanu.
See, it’s like The Wizard of Oz, in that the little girl gets KOed and then dreams of a land in which all her friends are there as dorky characters.
And I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this yet, but the acting in this film is beyond horrible; I’m talking Nipple H level bad here.
Of course, no one seems to give a rat’s ass about it – I mean, look at Keanu in the picture to the left…it’s like, “Just 15 more years til the Matrix…just 15 more years.”
And I haven’t even gotten into the fact that the preferred method of transportation in Toyland is the use of these cheap ass go karts that make bubbly farty sounds as they sputter around town.
And I’m not sure that they should allow Drew to be driving around anyway, seeing as she is well…you know…*glug glug glug*
With Barnaby hot on their trail, the foursome make their way to the Toymaster’s Workshop.
“He must be very important!” exclaims Lisa.
Yes…not just anyone can have a dilapidated barn painted pink and white.
It turns out that the Toymaster is actually Santa’s right hand man, as he and his Pikmin create all the toys in the world for St. Nick to haul out to spoiled children every Christmas Eve.
In his spare time, he also has a vial in which he collects all the evil in the world.
I have no earthly idea why he would do that (and God knows the movie doesn’t bother to explain it), but I guess everyone has to have a hobby.
Meanwhile, Lisa looks on with enchantment in her eyes at TM’s massive collection of ornate bongs.
We wind up back at the cookie factory where Jack and Georgie try to find the secret entrance to Barnaby’s Lair.
But not before we get an even more detailed look at Georgie’s testicular taco.
Please, dear reader, do me a favor: just for a moment look at that image to your left.
I know I’m no big time movie director, but wouldn’t someone on the set see that and think, “Hmmm…maybe we should redesign that outfit?”
And wouldn’t the poor sap in the suit notice the excruciating pain caused by his way too tight trousers splitting his nutsack in half?
So of course Barnaby captures our “heroes” and sprays them with flask o’ evil he has since swiped from the Toymaster. Barn’s plan is to turn the do-gooders into no-goodniks.
And indeed Lisa’s wacky chums begin to growl and cavort. However, Lisa is unaffected, apparently because she is from Cincinnati.
And so yes, they reverse the potion’s effects by once again singing that awful Cincinnati song.
As for little Lisa, she’s uh…yeah.
Toymaster is able to sober Lisa up long enough for us to discover that the only way to stop Barnaby’s growing army of the undead is to remember the true meaning of Christmas.
The birth of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ? Well, um, no, not according to the Toymaster.
You see, the true meaning of Christmas is to BELIEVE IN TOYS. Sadly, we don’t get to see Lisa finding Geoffrey Giraffe lying in a manger.
Lisa finally admits that she does, in fact, believe in toys (whatever the hell that means), which excites the Toymaster to the point of anally raping a rocking horse.
Toymaster unleashes his toy soldiers and wipes out Barnaby’s band of baddies, bringing peace to Toyland once and for all.
Lisa then hops aboard Toymaster’s sleigh (apparently Santa was on siesta this year), but not before she gives everyone a gratutious panty shot.
The movie ends with Lisa and Toymaster delivering presents to the children of Mars.
Say hi to K-Mar for us!
As I watched this thing, I suddenly understood why little Drew Barrymore turned to a life of booze and drugs: she had to make this movie. I almost had to start doing heroin just to get through it myself.
Yeah, compared to this Vince McMahon’s exploits are a walk in the park.
– Jack: “Welcome to glorious Cincinnati, the queen of Ohio’s alpine ski resorts! (???)”
Everybody sings!: “I…come…from…C-I-N-C-I-N-N-A-T-I, CINCINNATI! The best town in O-H-I-O Ohio, USA! At first they called it “Cincy” but since “Cincy” was so natty, they named it Cincinnati so they say!”
Farty Bubbly Sounds