Over the years, though, it seems a new genre of motion pictures are being made, those that are longing to be so laughable as to be prime fodder for Mike Nelson and friends. But as the great David St. Hubbins once noted, there’s a fine line between stupid and clever. And our movie today is hovering way more to the former than the latter.
Behold the ridiculousness of Avengers of Justice: Farce Wars!
As you might suspect from the title, it’s a parody of super hero movies of today, with nods and winks to the Star Wars saga. With that in mind, it opens exactly as you’d expect: with teal lettering give us the location for the events about to unfold, namely “Pretty recently in a galaxy really, really close”. The obligatory scrolling text informs us further that the world is in the midst of a global recession, due to all the damage being brought on it due to the battles between superheroes and their nemesises.
You think I am actually going to stop and research what the correct plural of the noun “nemesis” is for THIS movie?
Regardless, I’ve heard of worse premises. Maybe this film won’t be so bad after all.
Oh who am I kidding?
Long story long, Super Bat and his wife Jean Wonder are no longer out fighting crime, but just hanging in the suburbs with their kids.
Did this movie just rip off The Incredibles as well?
I THINK IT DID!
We are quickly introduced to the primary bad guys of the film – Emperor Purple Guy and his sidekick, the Dark Jokester.
That is some lame renaming.
Speaking of lame, let’s have an RD REYNOLDS COLLEGE FLASHBACK!
Ok, this would have back back at Ball State University, my freshman year, a time at which I had very little money to go out and do fun stuff. I was also basically a shut-in, with very few friends on campus because, and I know you will find this hard to believe, I was something of a weirdo. So being a destitute with no friends, I would create my own games, one of which was called Lords of Justice. Think of it as Dungeons and Dragons, but with superhero personas instead of, I dunno, elves. I was able to somehow convince a few other dorks at old Jeep Hall to play with me. All the characters were Arachnaman level knock offs, one of which was a Joker clone with a perfectly round head we called “Funny Guy”.
So when I hear “Dark Jokester”, I have to wonder…did the buffoons writing this actually live in Jeep Hall with me back in 1987?
Because honestly, that would explain a lot.
So we join up with SuperBat (alter ego name of…wait for it…BRUCE KENT!) is down on his luck. He pretty much just sits around moping like a kid who invited a bunch of friends to play Lords of Justice and none of them showed up. I know his pain.
With all that said, this doofus SHOULD be happy – he lives in a beautiful house, has a smoke show wife, and two kids who are learning about their super powers.
His daughter is named Raya. As she is a girl, she is maturing faster than her twin brother and thus is getting her super powers first.
Really – the movie tells us that girls hit their super power puberty first. Don’t shoot the messenger, I’m just reporting facts. Her powers consist of the ability to levitate small objects and the ability to create bubbles. Don’t get too excited, though. These bubbles don’t work as force fields or anything, they are literally bubbles and nothing more. That’s a dollar store super power if I ever heard of one.
Which honestly is light years ahead of her brother Lucas, whose amazing ability is to make crappy robots, somewhere between the robot in Rocky IV and something from the Trolla Corporation in quality. Without trying to brag, I will state for the record that WrestleCrap Radio‘s Johnny 4 was better made.
And wait a minute – this movie is calling Lucas’ droid CREEPIO.
Unless the dolts penning this shlock have gotten expressed written consent from the geniuses running Auralnauts, I hope they get sued into oblivion.
I should also note that Bruce apparently hates his kids. He legit has zero nice things to say to them, and at one point he tells both his son and his daughter to get out of his house.
And this is the HERO OF OUR MOVIE!
You’d think having a completely unlikable protagonist would be an issue, but honestly, the villains are somehow even worse. I’d already mentioned Dark Jokester, but we have a Lex Luthor knockoff dubbed “Lisp Luther”.
I know, I know, my sides are splitting too.
Just when you think the stupidity scale is going to pop its coil, we are introduced to even more supers, including Captain Mexico and Thorbacca. There’s also Ironing Man, Tony Startch.
Hindsight being 20/20, “Funny Guy” may have been too clever for this movie.
We learn that Raya and Lucas don’t get along, so we get a VIDEO GAME FIGHT, complete with health meters and a ROUND 1 overlay.
It was at this point I realized that this movie is simultaneously worse than I’d expected, yet somehow not easy to mock as it should be.
What a strange combination.
Oh, and Tony Startch? Yeah, he gets a beer spilled on him and he explodes. Because, I dunno, reasons.
So while all this is going on, Lisp convinces Lucas he should steal Bruce’s car, the only thing that a-hole apparently loves. Despite having never met before, the two decide this is a great idea and high tail it out of there. Can’t blame the kid – I’d probably do whatever it took to get away from SuperBat too.
Just when I am about to ask, “Hey, isn’t Shawn Michaels supposed to be in this?”, Jean gets a text from the Incredible Master Yoga. She tells her husband to quit being a sad sack douchebag and go chat with him.
You know, at the strip mall.
It is at this time Shawn Michaels DOES appear..
…even if he does appear to be be more Shrek than Yoda.
Seriously, look at that.
That is SHAWN MICHAELS. The Heartbreak Kid. One of the greatest wrestlers of all time.
Remember that angle from like ten years ago where Shawn was broke so he had to work for JBL, this despite the fact that he made millions and millions of dollars in pro wrestling?
I see this, and can only assume that life has started to imitate art in Mr. Hickenbottam’s life.
Back at the dojo, Shawn has SuperBat train, fix the toilet, whatever.
Then Shawn falls asleep.
Oh no you don’t, pal – if I have to stay awake through this pile of crap, you do too.
Let’s see, what else happens?
Oh, we meet another super, namely BEAVERINE.
See, it’s like Wolverine, but, well, with giant teeth.
If any of this is making you laugh, like at all, I feel I should hold you down and slap you upside the head and neck.
Kinda like Yoga does to Bruce.
Oh, and if you think that Yoga ain’t gonna throw an obligatory super kick…
….well, then you are giving this movie far too much credit.
In fact, I feel >>I<< am giving this movie too much credit bothering to continually put together words describing it.
Seriously, how am I supposed to make you laugh explaining the animated GIF above? It’s Shawn Michaels dyed green pumping iron while a middle aged fat man lifts a tire.
I’ve never felt more like I was on drugs than I do right now.
All of this leads to the exciting final battle where Yoga battles Dark Jokester. He runs right at him with reckless abandon…
…and then promptly disintegrates.
Really, that’s it.
Oh wait, before this happens, Yoga warns him to “Stop your grinnin’ and drop your linen.”
I try really, REALLY hard to never swear on here. But I have to ask:
WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT EVEN MEAN????!!!
Shawn being dead, let’s just skip right to the end, shall we? SuperBat takes his car and throws it on top of Lisp, killing him and mercifully bringing on the credits. Upon seeing the atrocious special effects for the climax, I honest to God just put my head in my hands, nearly sobbing.
Mrs. Deal: “What’s wrong?”
Me: “It’s…it’s just that, this, THIS, is how I’ve made my name in this world. I didn’t do anything great. I didn’t do anything clever. No, I’ve just watched absolutely atrocious crap for twenty years then wrote about it. All with the idea that it might make someone laugh. You know, hopefully.”
Mrs. Deal (shaking her head): “Yeah. Hopefully.”
Look, I am not going to tell you to go watch this movie (though if you want to, consider yourselves warned it is on YouTube and Amazon Prime).
Instead, I am going to pay tribute to the hours wasted in my life watching this movie the only way I know how – by creating a music video tribute to it, complete with a song perhaps even dumber than Avengers of Justice itself.
I’d tell you to enjoy, but I don’t see how you could.