You know, life is funny sometimes. This week, I went back and did the “lost” 2001 Gooker Award Winner, the infamous InVasion catastrophe. Just doing the research for that made me so angry that I very nearly said to hell with watching WWF/E forever. It really was that infuriating, and if you don’t believe me, well, we’ll be reposting it next week so you can read it for yourself.
But then I looked over the poll results for the winner of the 2003 Gooker Award…and I smiled. And I laughed.
I laughed so loudly, in fact, that my wife came into the room to see what was wrong. With tears in my eyes, I pointed to the screen, where a senior citizen was standing in a wrestling ring wearing only his Fruit of the Looms was about to marry a 20-something brunette beauty. After about thirty seconds of watching the proceedings, she looked at me, bewildered, and asked, “What the hell is this?”
I was able to stop laughing just long enough to utter two words:
“It’s WrestleCrap.”
Ah, Al Wilson.
Al was an elderly man, introduced to Smackdown viewers as Torrie Wilson’s father. That was it. There was no controversy. There was no storyline. There was no incest. Just a guy and his daughter on TV. Most fans at home probably thought it was just a one-time appearance as a favor to Torrie, who had just appeared in Playboy and was one of the hottest Divas WWE had.
But the next week, for no apparent reason, Al showed up again. And again. Hmmm…that’s weird. Why was this old geezer back? And why is Dawn Marie giving him the eye?
It was soon very apparent what was going on. Dawn was jealous of Torrie’s fame, and had concocted a plan to get back at her.
That’s right, she started coming on to Pappy.
At first, it was just a glance or a hug…but it didn’t take long until they were neckin’ like two teenagers. Soon enough they were cavorting about the shower together, buck nekked! (Well, to be fair, Dawn was naked, but Al was fully dressed. Perhaps no one had ever explained the basic procedure for using a shower to Al, or maybe he was just so senile that he forgot he was supposed to disrobe. Whatever the case might be, there they were, dripping wet and ready to party as Torrie walked in.)
Al was in heaven. And knowing that he soon might literally be in heaven, he knew that time was of the essence; it was time to pop the question. “Dawn,” he mushmouthed, “will you marry me?” Shockingly enough, Dawn agreed to become Mrs. Wilson.
None of this made any sense. In fact, it couldn’t have made less sense. The whole world wanted to know: just why was Dawn with Al? What reason could there possibly be for this sexpot to be hooking up with a man old enough to be her father?
If you said, “because she wanted to swap vaginal juices with his daughter”, step up and collect your prize.
Yep, that’s what it was. Dawn revealed the shocking truth to Torrie: Al wasn’t the only Wilson she wanted. No, she also wanted Torrie herself! Dawn gave Torrie an ultimatum – she would call off the wedding if Torrie would accept her invitation to a cootchie kissin’ poontang party. In an effort to “save” her father from nights of unbridled passion with a woman half his age, Torrie agreed to Dawn’s indecent proposal.
Poor Al was heartbroken. Why would his fiance forsake nights of Geritol-fueled passion in favor of slurping away on Torrie’s tuna taco? He couldn’t understand it. Just as things looked most bleak for our hero, Dawn explained that while she did spend the night with Torrie, everytime she looked in Torrie’s eyes, she saw Al. And she loved him.
Al was touched..and the wedding was on. True to her word, Dawn showed up on Smackdown to be wed to her loving husband. Not only that, she was going to do it IN THE BUFF. That’s right, it was time for pro wrestling’s first ever naked wedding. Despite the protests of Stephanie McMahon, Dawn slithered out of her wedding gown and down to her bra and panties.
As if that weren’t exciting enough, the bride dropped yet another bombshell – Al was going to get naked too! And sure enough, Al dropped his trousers, standing proudly mid-ring in his whitey tighties for all the world to see. Amazingly, no one objected, and the new Mr. & Mrs. Wilson were introduced to the world. Al and his new bride celebrated the sacred occasion by dropping to the mat and dry humping.
There wasn’t a dry eye in the house.
It would get even more absurd during their honeymoon, which was, of course, televised to the world. After numerous love making sessions, poor Al finally collapsed into bed. He collapsed, alright – he collapsed right into DEATH ITSELF.
Yes, poor Al Wilson was DEAD.
I think I speak for all red-blooded American men when I state that when I go, I’d like it to be from a sexual overdose at the hands (and other body parts) of a 25-year old hot piece of ass.
Dawn was devastated. Wearing a black gown that would make Elvira blush, the widow explained how Al was her entire life, and how it was his wish to have his wake televised. Torrie, of course, showed up to the funeral and had the audacity to blame Dawn Marie for killing her father. Dawn was so upset about these allegations that she broke an urn over Torrie’s head, which lead to the first ever Mother-In-Law vs. Daughter-In-Law match up at the Royal Rumble. Torrie won the match, but in a way, we were all winners.
After all, Al Wilson was dead.
I have to admit, as idiotic as this entire angle was, I absolutely could not help but die laughing during parts of it, the wedding ceremony in particular. It was just so over the top stupid that no one could possibly take it seriously, and it wasn’t like it involved main event wrestlers or anything. It was two girls who weren’t doing much in a stupid angle that everyone acknowledged was stupid. Even Tazz and Michael Cole, the Smackdown announce team, would make fun of it. It was like everyone knew it was dumb and instead of hiding that fact, they reveled in the idiocy of it all. Just seeing Al dancing around in his underwear was hysterical, one of the funniest/stupidest things I have ever seen in the wrestling business.
People often think that WrestleCrap has to be something so horrible that it hurt the business, that it killed off fan interest. And while this whole fiasco was indescribably horrible, it was also a whole hell of a lot of fun.
And rest assured, it was most definitely WrestleCrap.