A Truly TNA Thanksgiving Featuring Pilgrim Allie!

Happy Turkey Day everyone! You may think I should put a disclaimer on that about this only being for the US, but when our good friends at TNA are involved, there are usually turkeys a plenty for everyone, am I right? Regardless, according to my calendar it is indeed Thanksgiving so we’re going to feast on a heapin’ helpin’ of wackiness courtesy of the November 24, 2016 episode of Impact Wrestling.

And we’re kicking things off meeting with Allie, who you may know from recent times as The Bunny in AEW. I’ve always thought she was a fun performer, and while she could be enjoyable at times, I really think she was at her best during her run in Impact. Here she was Allie…a cute, very happy young girl who wanted to do the right things. If she was a Dungeons & Dragons character, she would be lawful good, and do you know what? You can have fun with that type of character. She was simple…but not stupid. She just wanted to do good things for her friends, including the folks in the audience. And by doing so, she was a huge fan favorite.

But of course a hero needs her foils, and she had great ones in the form of the good-for-nothing duo of Maria Kanellis and Laurel Van Ness (Chelsea Green), who set out to make her life a living hell. For you see, while Allie didn’t have a big family growing up, she would play with dolls and pretend she did. And she wanted her little paper family to have a nice Thanksgiving. And you can just imagine what Maria and Laurel thought of that. Yes, they read poor Allie the riot act, telling her how stupid she was.

In fact, they were so appalled at her they weren’t sure whether they should laugh or cry! Oh, and that guy she liked, Braxton Sutter (who she would wind up marrying in real life, I should add)? Yeah, he was going to be with Laurel, not Allie this Thanksgiving. And one last thing…they’d be enjoying their dinner as Allie served them all their food. This made her sad. So very, very sad.

Incredibly, almost angelically, adorably sad.

You’d think that a fancy Thanksgiving dinner would take place at Laurel’s palatial estate, maybe Maria’s penthouse suite, but no – it’s happening in the most festive place imaginable, the Impact Zone.

Out comes poor Allie, all decked out as a pilgrim marm. She looks as though she is fighting back laughter as she comes down the aisle. As much as I love this, I have to ask – why couldn’t they have done a special Thanksgiving entrance video for her with turkeys running around and stuff? Heck, even I have the ability to do stuff like that and I’m just some hack on a website!

Into the ring we go and the browbeating continues, with Maria and Laurel taking turns mocking the poor girl and saying she must be sweating like a pig in that outfit. Laurel says she wishes Braxton was here to see this…so she brings him out as well.

He comes out smiling and waving, thrilled to see Allie. He goes to give her a hug, but Laurel of course cuts him off as she is Laurel’s man, not Allie’s. In fact, Maria tells Allie to not even LOOK at him.

Maria then takes over the proceedings, telling everyone that since it’s Thanksgiving, they should all say for what they are thankful. She leads off by noting that she is grateful for being the first lady of professional wrestling. Also, she’s glad that Mike is around and so is Laurel.

Attempting to continue as “Allie” chants fill the arena, Bennett chastises the crowd telling them “I’m giving thanks, so please shut your mouths!” He is thankful for food, Maria, and Tom Brady. I was right there with you until you mentioned Brady. Good heel move.

Laurel is up next, who is thankful for Maria, her hot date Braxton, and Daddy’s Black Amex.

Allie then interrupts saying how thankful she is for all the fans in the Impact Zone. Fans: “Yay! She’s talking about US!!!”

Before she can say another word, Maria cuts her off and tells her to start serving the food. While she does so, Laurel asks Braxton what they should do together later. “I have a few ideas, actually,” she coos. “You know what they used to call me in college? Laurel van YES.”

At this point, Maria can take no more, calling Laurel, and I quote, “NOTHING BUT A BIG MEANIE!” Further, she slaved over the dinner for hours and there’s not a single vegan item on the menu! Wait, if you were the one cooking, shouldn’t you have thought about that? Regardless, she grabs a pie behind Laurel’s back and if you don’t know where this is going…

…well, I question that you’re actually a pro wrestling fan. Also, mad props to Allie for gently putting the pie in Maria’s face. I did a Roselyn Bakery Death Match years ago and the guy basically punched the pie into my face. To this day, I still have a scar from where the aluminum foil buckled and gouged my chin!

Maria’s freak out is absolutely incredible, with her flipping her lid in a legendary manner. Even better may be Bennett tasting the pie drippings, enjoying them, and going back for more with his tongue wagging. This is yet another case of this not being the worst of wrestling, but in my opinion, the very best. Oh how I loved this bit! And the wedding of Laurel and Braxton was even better. I’ve mocked this company many times, but when they got it right, they got it RIGHT. They did here, and for that I am very thankful! Also thankful for everyone who’s been following us the last 23 (!!!) – I hope you all have an incredible turkey day!

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