Headlies: Rusev – Lana – Lashley – Liv Angle To Now Include Literal Car Wrecks

4 Submitted by on Mon, 06 January 2020, 08:00

Oklahoma City, OK – After seeing the ratings success of the Lashley – Lana wedding on the last Monday Night Raw of 2019, Vince McMahon has demanded that actual car accidents be included in storyline. The decision came Monday morning during the creative team’s weekly meeting.

“We need something big! Huge! Something that will force the WWE Universe to keep watching even if their mother was on fire,” said a wild-eyed McMahon.

“Oh, you mean like compelling stories wrapped around entertaining and competitive wrestling matches?” asked Triple H.

“Save that ‘wrasslin’ for NXT, pal,” dismissed McMahon. “Car wrecks! That’s what we need. Twisted metal, big explosions, and deployed air bags! Remember when we blew up my limo? People still talk about it to this day! Why? Because it was an amazing moment.”

“Well, actually…” started Triple H before being cut off.

“I want Lana driving a Corvette. Liv Morgan gets a Ferrari. Lashley can drive an Escalade. Rusev will drive a Yugo. They’ll drive all around a parking lot for some reason and crash into each other. Out from the smoke and fumes emerges Lashley, ensuring this feud goes on another month! It will be amazing!”

McMahon then smashed his papers together and mimicked explosion sounds.

“Don’t you get it?” asked McMahon incredulously. “This is obviously a metaphor. It represents how we’re wrecking the competition!”

The writers in the room grumbled, but did not push back against the idea.

“Don’t forget to announce when Lashley has the twisty rockets, Vince!” exclaimed WWE television producer Kevin Dunn.

“Of course, Kevin. We’d never, ever forget to mention the twisty rockets,” assured McMahon.

Written by

From the Northeast by way of Parts Unknown.
4 Responses to "Headlies: Rusev – Lana – Lashley – Liv Angle To Now Include Literal Car Wrecks"
  1. Guy Incognito says:

    Last 2 lines were best part of the article.
    Nice slightly obscure reference there.

  2. CF says:

    For the love of god: Do *NOT* let Vince McMahon see a video of Britain’s “banger races”….

  3. Ben says:

    I wonder if some people will think that this article is real wrestling news once again?

  4. Jerry says:

    I’ll forgive all and everything about this storyline, if the end result is Rusev and Lashley kissing in front of the Saudi crown prince.

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