Headlies: Jean-Pierre LaFitte Steals Chris Jericho’s Cruise Ship

6 Submitted by on Mon, 03 February 2020, 08:00

Miami, FL – Miami Police have reported that the Norwegian Pearl cruise ship that recently Chris Jericho’s Rock ‘N’ Wrestling Rager, was stolen by former WWF star Jean-Pierre LaFitte.

The ship, which was used to tape the January 22nd episode of AEW Dynamite, was docked at PortMiami for an extensive hosing and scrubbing. Somewhere between Saturday night and Sunday morning, the ship was taken.

“It’s standard procedure to thoroughly clean, delouse, and bleach the entirety of the ship after a pro wrestling event,” said Norwegian Cruise Line CEO Harry Sommer. “Do you know how hard it is to get spray tanner and Four Loko out? We actually had to sink the ships used for the WCW Bruise Cruise. The smell of 3D Doritos and Buff Bagwell’s hats was just too much.”

Jericho admitted that he may be at fault for the theft.

“The details of the night are a little hazy for Le Champion,” said a groggy Jericho. “We were hitting the shrimp cocktails and white wine spritzers pretty hard. The last thing I remember was Jack Hager doing a killer rendition of Rapper’s Delight. I, uh, may or may not have left the keys in the ignition when we docked.”

LaFitte, wearing Bret Hart’s jacket, sent a video to Jericho and the authorities bragging about his crime.

“It is I, mon ami, the dread pirate Jean-Pierre LaFitte!” taunted the eye patch-wearing wrestler. “Mousier Jericho, I am obviously now in control of your Good Ship Lollipop, no? Quel dommage, but have no fear. I shall take good care of her as I sail the Seven Seas in search of treasure and indie wrestling titles. Au revoir!”

The ship was last seen headed towards the Bermuda Triangle before disappearing from radar. Police are currently questioning Paul Burchill for any possible leads.

Written by

From the Northeast by way of Parts Unknown.
6 Responses to "Headlies: Jean-Pierre LaFitte Steals Chris Jericho’s Cruise Ship"
  1. Caveman says:

    I thought it was Moxley.

  2. Andre Reichenbacher says:

    Oh my GOD, I absolutely HATED this gimmick back in the day. WWE had a viking on their roster at one point, so why not a freaking pirate? I just couldn’t understand why they made “Quebecer Pierre” into THAT. Because I actually liked the Quebecers at the time, you see. Having him be one of the many lame mid-carders feuding with Bret Hart in the worst year WWE ever had, that was bad enough. But then came the incident where he wouldn’t put over Diesel in Montreal, and the Kliq got him blackballed from the company as a result. His career resurrection as PCO in Ring Of Honor has really been impressive, I have to say. I wasn’t a fan of the gimmick at first but it grew on me eventually. He really got over as a member of Villain Enterprises and now he’s ROH world champion. I congratulate him for that, he’s one of wrestling’s best comeback stories in recent memory! PCO IS NOT HUMAN!

  3. Thomas Moffatt says:

    Sources also advised that once Jericho has retrieved his Cruiser from Lafitte it will be revealed that he has got behind with the payments on the Cruiser and maybe forced to go one-on-one with a new arrival to AEW who will be out to ‘Repossess’ the vessel…

  4. John C says:

    That would be a titanic struggle.

  5. CF says:

    Joke’s on him — thanks to coronavirus, he can never leave! WAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!

  6. Felicity says:

    I think there’s a word missing from this sentence:

    “Miami Police have reported that the Norwegian Pearl cruise ship that recently Chris Jericho’s Rock ‘N’ Wrestling Rager, was stolen by former WWF star Jean-Pierre LaFitte.”

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