Headlies: Rey Mysterio’s Damaged Eye Replaced With Googly Eye

10 Submitted by on Mon, 20 July 2020, 08:00

Winter Park, FL – Quick-thinking medical staff replaced Rey Mysterio’s damaged eye last night with a googly eye found in the Costume Design department.

The Eye For An Eye contest at last night’s Extreme Rules saw future WWE Hall of Famer take on Seth Rollins. Weeks ago, the “Monday Night Messiah” attacked Mysterio, damaging his eye on the corner of steel ring steps. The two exchanged several holds and maneuvers until Rollins got the upper hand on Mysterio, damaging his eye and ending the match.

“Unfortunately, the Performance Center did not have adequate medical care for this type of injury,” explained WWE Executive Vice President Triple H. “To make matters worse, the pandemic has overwhelmed area hospitals so our staff had to take, um, drastic measures. We’re all incredibly proud of their fine work and Rey will be back in the ring soon.”

To prevent further damage, a googly eye was placed over the ocular cavity. Officials determined that the damage was unfortunately too great to save the eye. Until a donor can be found, the googly eye will serve as a temporary replacement. The replacement will protect the damage and get a giggle out of anyone that sees it.

While feelings in the locker room remain grim, WWE CEO Vince McMahon has chosen to focus on the lighter side.

“Things are looking up!” laughed the billionaire. “I didn’t see that one coming! What an eye-opener! Eye-eye, captain! Jeepers creepers, where’d you get those peepers? Better get him to the EyeCU! Great googly moogly! HAHAHAHAHA!”

Doctors have advised Mysterio to avoid getting the googly eye wet and to frequently reapply glue to the area.

Written by

From the Northeast by way of Parts Unknown.
10 Responses to "Headlies: Rey Mysterio’s Damaged Eye Replaced With Googly Eye"
  1. Jerry says:

    Calling it now: 2025 or sooner, WWE will introduce a yearly “Eye for an eye” PPV to its calendar.

  2. Mr. Boing says:

    Can’t wait until this gets it’s own induction.. Hell just induct the entire show.

  3. Jackwagon says:

    “area hospitals”

    Surely that should be “local medical facilities”, if I understand WWEnglish.

  4. Seb Richer says:

    This is a clear candidate for Gooker

  5. Thomas Moffatt says:

    I get the feeling WWE is going flat out to try and win the Gooker of the Year. So far we’ve had:

    The Return of Santina Marella
    BIll Goldberg wins the Universal Championship for the second time within 5 years despite not being a full time roster member and only having ‘wrestled’ a handful of matches in that time
    The continuation of the Lana-Lashley-Liv love triangle
    The Otis-Mandy-Dolph love triangle
    Elias being run over by person (currently) unknown
    The exploitation of Jeff Hardy’s alcoholism – it was disgusting when WWE did it back in 1996 with Jake Roberts, it’s disgusting now and if Jeff Hardy relapses badly WWE should be ashamed of themselves
    This eye for an eye thing
    The Horror Show at Extreme Rules PPV featuring a no contest and a forfeit
    SmackDown in general – we are lucky if we get 4 matches in two hours but don’t worry there a repeat matches and plenty of tedious fillers
    And naturally, All Things Baron Corbin – when I see him in that wretched crown I want to chant “You Look Stupid!”

    Rant over – someone give me a good slap and tell me not to be a drama queen and/or bitter and jealous of the WWE superstars…

    • Jerry says:

      While there have been only few things this year, that count as great (in main WWE, the mens Rumble match and the Funhouse match come to mind), and most of the programming was uninspiring and somewhat bad (though I would not include the Otis/Mandy story in your list above), the things that were that bad that they shout out “Gooker!” to me are far and few between either… that karaoke carcrash maybe, though one single segment in the depths of a barely developed undercard doesn’t strike me as important enough to care in any way.
      The Hardy story is not even worth a shrug on my end; it’s not like they are turning him back into a drinker as a character (and if the driver was Zayn or Styles, it might actually turn out interesting in the end).
      Goldbergs title reign could be a Gooker. As could have been his previous one. On the other hand, it gave us a Fiend, that wasn’t dragged down by the title for a while. Honestly, there’s characters that just work better when they don’t have to pretend to care about a championship.

      Rusev-Lana-Lashley might make the cut this time, the way this nonsense fizzled into absolutely nothing. But likely too long ago when the voting comes for people to care.

      If you’re asking me, the one thing that should get the Gooker is the fact, that Wrestling as a whole kept going as an “essential business” all these months instead of taking a break.
      And I feel, it has been hurt more by this than it could have been by any nonsensical story.

      • Chris says:

        Is the identity of the driver still a mystery? I thought that it had been revealed that Sheamus was the driver, attempting to frame Jeff Hardy.
        He also might’ve “done it for the Baron, fellah!”, considering that Elias was Corbin’s opponent only the tournament, and Sheamus hit Elias, so Corbin might have talked him in to targeting Elias.

        I think the “eye for an eye” match is probably a major contender for this year’s Gooker. It’s hard to beat that level of stupidity.
        It didn’t even do much for Rollins as a heel, sadly. Mysterio was the one who proposed the match. It was the only way for Rollins to win the match. Worst of all, they had Rollins get sick after the match….if he’s a cold-blooded cult leader he should have at least revelled in blinding his opponent.

        • Jerry says:

          It has been implied that the driver was Sheamus, but he never actually confirmed it, so the closest thing we got is “a man with red hair and beard”, which could as well be former champ Zayn for some revenge on those who tried to “steal” his title. (My bet on Styles rather rests on the fact, that he was the only one who really benefited from it – He got a free pass in the tournament). They’re still keeping their options open while pretending the case is solved to make a possible reveal more surprising.
          In true WWE fashion, they’ll wait with the reveal until it really doesn’t catch any more interest (admittedly the fact that Sami is reasonable enough to sit out this season doesn’t help in this regard) and then blame the participants for its failure.

          I agree on your reasoning about the “eye for an eye”. Rey had the opportunity to enforce a stipulation and he chose this one.

          • Chris says:

            I was hoping that it would be revealed as Styles, but being 2020 WWE, yeah, I didn’t expect much.
            Especially as he did gain the most.

            I was thinking they could add a darker edge to Styles after being buried alive.
            They just seem to be ignoring that now though.

  6. Thomas Moffatt says:

    No, it was someone in a red wig and beard trying to frame Sheamus and Jeff – I’m half expecting it to be revealed as Baron and fizzling out in typically boring Baron fashion. It could be the eventually returning Lards Sullivan but it would do him more harmed to be booked in such a fashion. Or they might simply leave it unresolved.

    Eye for an eye was plain horrible, no matter how hard Rey and Rollins tried in the match there was the horrible lingering of a badly executed finish – and we got that.

    On Jerry’s comments about the karaoke crap – I agree it’s not gooker worthy but I put it down as part of the shambles of Smackdown. Compare it with NXT and the latter is so much better – the show moves at a better pace, with better announcers, not jerking back and forward from angle to angle, better character development, more bouts, very little filler and a product which has the viewer looking forward to the next installment – well, that’s my opinion.

    The cynic in me would like to suggest WWE are deliberately putting on poor episodes of Smackdown as Roman Reigns is inactive and they want to make it look like the product is suffering without him but I know that is far fetched and Smackdown had been substandard while he was active.

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