Headlies: Braun Strowman Trains To Become A Train

6 Submitted by on Mon, 07 June 2021, 08:00

Boston, MA – Following his release, former WWE Superstar Braun Strowman has found a new passion and has committed himself to becoming an actual train.

The recently-fired wrestler appeared early this morning at the Amtrak Southampton Rail Yard. Stunned onlookers gawked as the former Universal Champion ran up and down the tracks. Crowds gasped as the strongman pulled cars full of textiles while inviting people to visit the snack car.

“It’s the darndest thing I’ve ever seen,” said rail yard master Kenny O’Grady. “We’ve got this seven-foot-tall guy high-tailing it down the rails, making train noises. Honestly, we were all pretty scared since he’s so wicked big.”

Multiple efforts to remove Strowman from the premises proved fruitless. Determined to achieve his railroad dreams, Strowman actually began chewing on coal and blowing smoke out of his nose. A police negotiator was called in to defuse the tense situation.

“I said ‘Hey, kid. Are you alright?’” explained Captain Evan Nelson. “The big guy just shouted ‘All aboard!’ as he ran past me, his upper body baring moving. He said he wouldn’t leave until Mr. Conductor gave him a job.”

Eventually, authorities were able to surmise that Strowman was referencing the classic children’s show Shining Time Station. After a quick costume change and a job application, Strowman was convinced to leave the rail yard. He was last seen trying to purchase a ticket to the fictional Island of Sodor to visit Thomas the Tank Engine.

Written by

From the Northeast by way of Parts Unknown.
6 Responses to "Headlies: Braun Strowman Trains To Become A Train"
  1. Jerry says:

    Ever since the first Choo-choo, I cannot help but picture Strowman on rollerscates, singing the tunes of Starlight Express. I’m surprised, that, compared to kids shows, this comparison is brought up rarely.

  2. Thomas Moffatt says:

    I would have release Jinder Mahal, Boring Corbin and the unfunny comic relief and his tired routine known as R-Truth over any of the other releases.

    It’s been a real head scratcher for releases, call ups and returns this year – I keep wondering who will be next – AJ Styles? Kevin Owens? Drew McIntyre?

    Don’t worry, there is the return of Eva Marie and rumours Brock Lesnar is active again. And who else might return? Mason Ryan? Heidenreich (because his Little Johnny gimmick is being used)? Ryback? Ezekiel Jackson? Who knows…

    I was surprised Cesaro wasn’t released for Vince’s own amusement and I don’t see Roman Reigns dropping the title unless it is to John Cena or Goldberg…

    I give it three years as RD will be working on the Death of WWE and When Vince McMahon’s Brain Stopped Working Properly…

    • Robert Ewing says:

      i concur thomas The Death of WWE will be coming sooner than we think

      • Jerry says:

        At this point, I do no longer believe, that an end of WWE would be caused by the quality of the product. Said to say as someone interested in wrestling, but the brand name carries itself. Even if it loses most of its audience, it is still treated as the major player. Somewhere between Taker vs Flair at Wrestlemania 50 and “This Is Your Life, Mansoor part IX”, they’ll remain the first thing, people think about, even if it’s just to complain.
        If the company falls, it does so due to financial messups. Maybe one of the next incarnations of XFL might do the trick.

  3. Mr Boing says:

    His new manager if Strowman
    Wrestles in AEW should be
    Sir Topham Hat

  4. Adam Dennis says:

    Does anyone recall them using sound effects in the New Generation era?

    I remember them playing a splash or fart noise or something occasionally when Doink did his top rope finisher and also the commentators doing random sound effects now and then like a chainsaw?!?

    Old Vinnie never changes

leave a comment