Boston, MA – Following his release, former WWE Superstar Braun Strowman has found a new passion and has committed himself to becoming an actual train.
The recently-fired wrestler appeared early this morning at the Amtrak Southampton Rail Yard. Stunned onlookers gawked as the former Universal Champion ran up and down the tracks. Crowds gasped as the strongman pulled cars full of textiles while inviting people to visit the snack car.
“It’s the darndest thing I’ve ever seen,” said rail yard master Kenny O’Grady. “We’ve got this seven-foot-tall guy high-tailing it down the rails, making train noises. Honestly, we were all pretty scared since he’s so wicked big.”
Multiple efforts to remove Strowman from the premises proved fruitless. Determined to achieve his railroad dreams, Strowman actually began chewing on coal and blowing smoke out of his nose. A police negotiator was called in to defuse the tense situation.
“I said ‘Hey, kid. Are you alright?’” explained Captain Evan Nelson. “The big guy just shouted ‘All aboard!’ as he ran past me, his upper body baring moving. He said he wouldn’t leave until Mr. Conductor gave him a job.”
Eventually, authorities were able to surmise that Strowman was referencing the classic children’s show Shining Time Station. After a quick costume change and a job application, Strowman was convinced to leave the rail yard. He was last seen trying to purchase a ticket to the fictional Island of Sodor to visit Thomas the Tank Engine.