Headlies: Bob Backlund Refuses To Concede

0 Submitted by on Mon, 14 November 2022, 08:00

Glastonbury, CT – WWE Hall Of Famer Bob Backlund refuses to concede days after the election despite not running for office. The mercurial former WWF champion passionately defended his decision earlier today in front of a live audience.

Sporting a dark suit with red bowtie and suspenders, Backlund publicly aired his grievances.

“I refuse to concede!” barked a wild-eyed Backlund. “ This obsession with concession is a confession of depression! You can’t prove that I lost. I want a recount! And then I want a recount of the recount. Then, I want a signed and notarized letter from President Jack Tunney declaring me the winner!”

A crowd began to form behind Backlund as his refusal to concede veered off in strange and confusing ways.

“How can you have a bread bowl?!” raged Backlund. “A bread can’t also be a bowl! One cream cheese is not enough! Why can’t I get a pizza before noon? Attica! Attica!”

A cacophony of shouts and horns on the other side of Backlund drowned out the sound of approaching police sirens and someone begging him to pull forward. Finally, Backlund relented and picked up his order at the window.

Local election officials are baffled at Backlund’s outburst.

“There’s no rule saying you have to concede, especially if you weren’t in a race,” shrugged local election official Darcy Hartman.

“Next, you’re going to tell me a Golden Retriever can play basketball!” complained Backlund later.

Backlund has since been banned from the Panera on Main Street. In addition to his banning, Backlund has had his Unlimited Sup Club privileges revoked. In addition to paying a small fine, Backlund apologized.

“I apologize to the voters and to the hard workers at Panera,” said Backlund, enjoying his free apple. “Nowhere else can I find over-salted soups and mediocre bagels filled with sugar that will rot children’s teeth. Only cowards would rescind my Unlimited Sip Club privileges! I will never concede! Never!”

Written by

From the Northeast by way of Parts Unknown.

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