Jean Pierre Lafitte Takes Over Three Rivers!

WWF Magazine, December 1995

Arrr matey! We’s headin’ back to the days of yore…eh, I can’t even finish a sentence in piratey talk, so let’s just skip such frivolities and dig into this craziness from the December 1995 issue of the OFFICIAL WWF Magazine, featuring none other than the buccaneer that stole Bret Hart’s leather jacket, Jean Pierre Lafitte!

Our narrator today would be someone you likely know – yep, our old pal Vince Russo! “When I boarded the stunning Gateway Clipper the night before SummerSlam with Razor Ramon, the 1-2-3 Kid, Bam Bam Bigelow and a navy of other World Wrestling Federation superstars, I was looking for nothing more than a nice, relaxing evening. I mean, as nice and relaxing an evening as you’re ever going to get here in the World Wrestling Federation!”

He tells us further that this cruise was set up by the World Wrestling Federation Travel Club, which specializes in wacky packages for Federation fans. How am I gust now hearing about this? “This sailing extravaganza saw 150 members of the club take a ride on the rivers with approximately 15 Federation superstars! That’s one superstar per every 15 people!” Bravo to Vinnie for getting his math correct!

Things quickly go awry as a late passenger shows up..and promptly takes over the boat! “I just wanted to go on a ship and hang out with some fans,” Russo bemoans. “I didn’t want to play Peter Pan and the Pirates, I didn’t want to walk the plank, I didn’t want to hunt for buried treasure, and I certainly didn’t want to play Captain Hook with JEAN PIERRE LAFITTE!”

But this happens, and he hunts down Russo. “YO, MATEY! You’re that varmint that writes for that Federation magazine – AREN’T YOU?” He immediately commandeers Russo to follow him around as the chaos begins, with him hanging the Jolly Roger and then grabbing the wheel. I dunno, this actually sounds kinda cool.

To the BUFFET we go next, scarfing down food “like a croc that’s been on Slim-Fast for a month!” He then begins to flat out steal everything that’s not nailed down. “When Five Finger Nelly wanted something, he took it all right…every day was a 100 percent markdown day of “THIEVES R US” with the swashbuckler!” As if that wasn’t horrible, enough, he then decided to steal from Alundra Blayze!

And that was the end, as our pirate pal ran off with his treasure, looking to sell it the following morning. Here’s hoping the next issue has a detailed account of the wrestling pirate showing up at the local pawn shoppe and cashing in his loot.

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